If you must keep in touch . . . . how do you cope?

[Redhead Erin]

Hey all,

For a number of reasons, I have to keep in touch with the bitch.

For those of you who have to stay in touch for some reason or other, how do you mange?  I have been getting terrible headaches, sabotaging my own diet, becoming depressive and suicidal when I know I have to see her.   The situation is becoming untenable and I don't really know how to cope. I have to go see her again in the morning. 

The situation is this:  I usually go out to dinner with her on Tuesdays and then my son stays with her on Friday while I work.  So that means I have to see her twice a week, more or less.  I also sometimes take her with us on family outings and so forth.  I see way too much of her. Oh, did I mention she lives 90 minutes from me?  SO every time I see her, it is a 3-hour round trip.

I settled into this pattern b/c if she perceived that she was not getting enough of my attention, she started pulling stunts like imaginary prowlers and fake chest pains. If I try to pull back form this level of involvement, she starts her tricks again. 

The trouble is, this is too much for me.  I work 5 days a week, and homeschool my son. Tuesday afternoon could be a good day for us to get out and do some field trips or for me to get my house clean, but instead I have to go see her every week.  I really could pick up another shift at work, or I could do something I want to do. I have very little time for friends, hobbies, and things I want and need to do.  She has no regard for me, my time, or whatever else.  It really is OK with her if I just drop from exhaustion, so long as I make that Tuesday trip to see her.

I really want out of this situation.  Unfortunately I accepted a lot of money from her when we really needed it.  She is paying my car note. I also suspect that her memory may be starting to slip, so I need to keep an eye on her. We will likely inherit a lot of money from her some day, and I really do not want it all to go to my "foster" brother, which she will probably do anyway.

How can I cope with this?  I don't really feel as if I have the energy to insulate myself from her crap any more.  I blew off going to see her last week b/c I had a killer headache, and I will not be seeing her next week b/c I am going to the Smoky Mountains.  SO I have to go see her this week, in spite of the fact that I have 9 million-billion things to do and I have an American Legion meeting AND i have to work tomorrow. 

Honestly, I would rather nail my foot to the floor than go see that woman.  I ma dreading this.  How to cope?

[Gaining Strength]

You write that among other things you could do on Tuesdays is to get another shift at work - but it looks as if meeting her IS a shift at work becuase you also write that part of your hook into her is that she paid for your car. So it seems that in some ways your Tues trip is part of the "job" of the debt you incurred from her.

The way I have been able to work out involvement with people I would otherwise be in NC with is by changing (not them but) my attittude towards them.  After years of being angry and being treated horribly by my mother, I finally came to see her as a sort of infantile person who was more an object of pity than anger.  That is a very concise description of a very complex shift but it has worked and it has change dmy life for the better.

[swimmer]

Redhead Erin-  Hi there.... Hang in there:).  I soo understand what you are saying about the money part and not being able to completely manage family life with an N mother.  Some N's are so terminal, and we are the ones that drop from the terminal nature of the disease.  

This is just an idea, how about not showing up on a Tuesday, and take it one week at a time.  If you are exhausted and can't show up for her, you are not oblidged to be her keeper.   My mother gave me some money for Xmas right when i was thinking.... I'm so done with her.  It kind of felt my soul was being prostituted in some way.  Unclear expectations under an unclear & unspoken contract..... Very confusing!!! So I really don't have a gold answer here.

It's so classic NM how your mom is pulling this on you now.  I remember how you posted feeling so good about your health not to long ago.  You deserve to have a healthy existance in whatever way you see fit, without being yanked around.  NM's will never understand we need to be there for our children, because they obviously are emotionally not there for anyone, even themselves.

It's hard.... Be nice to yourself whatever happens:).   

[Logy]

Gaining Strength,
Your coping mechanism is really effective, I started looking at it this way and it has made a difference.  I adopted the same mentality about 1 year ago.  I feel saner when I look at her this way.  Funny thing, I almost think she subconsciously recognizes this shift.  When I am with her, I ignore her attempts at control.  I remain distant but pleasant.  When she acts or says something crazy, I walk away, not in an agitated state but in a calm, hmmm, I see something over here I want to pay attention to.  Her level of confusion is almost humorous to me.  But I finally feel like I am in control of my life while not getting angry or being rude.

Keep in mind, Erin.  She offered to give you the money.  But that doesn't mean she owns you.  That doesn't mean she has the right to abuse you.  Be appreciative of the gift but with a sense of your own identity. 

My sister and I both struggled recently with being too busy to see much of her, especially after she moved further away from us.  She got our point and then started looking for other outlets for her time, especially church.  And then told us ALL the time how "busy" she was, that her church people "needed" her so she wasn't going to spend time with us (we were chanting "YAHOO").  As we suspected, the church people are not playing up to her need to control them, and she is now talking about getting out of it.  We'll see how it goes from here.   

[nolongeraslave]

I feel as if no matter how many coping skills you have or "prep" exercises you do, it's just an on-going war.

I try to tell myself that I won't let NM's comments bother me, but they do. The anger is a natural reaction, along with the over-eating, body aches, and mental exhaustion. It's like I have to re-read all of the books on dealing with narcissists every second. I usually talk to my friends or my therapist.    Having a good support system that understands what you're going through helps a lot.  


RedheadErin-I understand feeling as if you may "owe" NM back if she helps you financially. My therapist once said to look at their money as "restitution" for what they have done. Their financial help doesn't give them the right to abuse or control us.  The problem is they can push our buttons to make us feel that way.

[Logy]

nolongeraslave,

You're right.  The overeating, body aches, exhaustion.  For me also the smoking, overspending, lack of self care.  No matter how much we understand about the issue, we still suffer.  Just when you are on the brink of peace, something happens and it is all shattered.  So you spend all your energy to get back to the middle, and hang on by a thread.

Logy

[Lollie]

When I am with her, I ignore her attempts at control.  I remain distant but pleasant.  When she acts or says something crazy, I walk away, not in an agitated state but in a calm, hmmm, I see something over here I want to pay attention to.  Her level of confusion is almost humorous to me.  But I finally feel like I am in control of my life while not getting angry or being rude.

That's pretty much where I have landed with my mother, too. Logy, I think that's a perfect description of what is called "medium chill." It's a powerful way of coping with the "in your face" unpleasantness without feeling like the soul has been sucked out of you and without coming away feeling like a horrible person.

Erin, I used to see my mother every Sunday. She lives about an hour away, so it was pretty exhausting and time consuming. I was her N "supply," and I always left her house feeling like she had fed off of me. So I made the decision to wean her from me (as if I were a drug or something, LOL). I gradually stopped going every week. It was almost as if I were training a dog! For a few months, I missed one week b/c of whatever excuse I had. Then I went down to every other week for a few months. And from there, I went down to once a month.  I now have my visits tapered down to once every three months, so there is hope.

First, I think you need to think about what boundaries you want have with your mother. And then you need to decide how you want to enforce those boundaries. You need to be consistent, though. For many years, my mother would call me early on Saturday mornings. Since it's the only day I ever really get to sleep in, and since I didn't want to talk to her that early in the day (I am not a very patient or put together person in the mornings), I decided it was worth it to draw a boundary. I asked her to please wait until 9 o'clock to call me. She tested my resolve for weeks. The phone would ring at 8:30, 8:45, 8:55. And even if I was awake, I'd refuse to pick up. Then, I would return her call after I had my first cup of coffee and some time to center myself. It didn't take her long to catch on. It really was like training a dog.

As for the "prowlers" and "chest pains," the only thing that you can really do, being 90 minutes away and all, is to tell her to dial 911. It's not heartless. It's what any rational adult would do if they needed immediate medical assistance or protection from the police.

[Redhead Erin]

Sad to say, the Police have seen through her years ago.  She has a lot of fun for a while, getting good looking young cops to show up at her door and tell her everything was ok, they weer there r to protect her.

Logy, that is where I try to be most of the time.  It works most of the time.  And GS, I do try to consider the car note as part of my "job." (But if you consider I usually make about a buck and a half a shift, on average, that note is costing me $600 a month!  I could more easily earn the money myself and have some left over!)

But like everything, there are good days and bad days.  Sometimes I just cannot take it.  It is exhausting and I don't always have the emotional resources to deal with it.

Funny thing is, she used to always buy me a bunch of groceries, but she stopped doing that when my visits became more regular.  This week I got a big box of groceries again!  WTF? She was also very pleasant, which was a big surprise. 

[gratitude28]

Erin,
Can you cut down the contact at all?
I just spent a looooooonnnnnnngggg two weeks with my NM. She was awful - to me and to my kids. I think the only way to deal is to minimize contact. When I am with her, I am quiet. I let her say all her garbage (the same stuff I have heard my whole life) and ignore it. I no longer listen to anything she says and when she says something mean or insulting, I counter with, "Why do you think that." She stammers and sputters. She actually avoids me now because she doesn't get anything she needs from me.
I know what you mean about the sabotaging oneself. I fall into that so easily. Try to stay grounded.
xo Beth

[gratitude28]

BTW, my mother had an "episode" while she was here too. what a joke. She was "so dizzy and couldn't calm her heart and was breaking out in a sweat." Of course she forgot about it the minute something she wanted to do came along.

[ann3]

Hey Erin,

My 2 cents:

"I usually go out to dinner with her on Tuesdays and then my son stays with her on Friday while I work.  So that means I have to see her twice a week, more or less." 
Suggestions:  See her once a week, probably Fri is better since she stays with your son.  Or, change your sched so you don't need her to babysit Fridays, or hire a sitter.  It would be even better to figure out how to see her once per month, then once every 2 months.  Very much like Lollie suggested: taper off.

"I also sometimes take her with us on family outings and so forth. "  Suggestion:  Stop doing this  !  Don't tell her about family outings & then, you don't have to take her with you.  Also, how about encouraging her to take trips on her own, like a cruise?

It's perfectly reasonable for you to have boundaries with NM & live your own life, just try to do so in a gentle manner.

Good luck,
ann

[Redhead Erin]

I think I am going to drop a couple of the Tuesdays.  I hate them and the restaurants are wrecking my diet.  I am going to tell her I need to make more money so we can go on the dreaded family vacation in July. 

I also try to limit my contact with her on Fridays by a) having my husband pick up our son or b) going out for drinks with a friend and then telling her I am so tired form working so long, I really can't stay to visit.  It works a little.  Besides, by the time I have to deal with her, I am cushioned by a couple of drinks anyway, so it is easier to cope.

[gratitude28]

Another note here, Erin. I used to call my parents every week. I stopped doing it, because I was sick of them and NM had done something to irritate me. She never even noticed/cared that I cut the contact. Now I talk to them very infrquently and she seems glad for it. So there is a chance that it will not have a huge impact overall if you cut back the one day (or even a week at a time). I think the only reason NM deals with me at all is because my dad asks about us. I guess there is one more reason - when someone asks how we are and she has no clue, she scrambles to make contact. I am sure she gets some puzzled looks when people realize she knows nothing at all about us.