I opened a letter by accident.... Ughhhh

[swimmer]

I did the mistake of opening a Christmas card my mother sent us last year..... Part of it said "they" were praying everyday we would accept them into our new family (we just started a new family a year ago).  For those of you who don't know I'm NC.  I'm trying not to take on the role of the scapegoat and live under her world of thoughts today.  I need encouragement today from any of you who have time for a post......

[sKePTiKal]

OK. Breathe deep.

You get to decide how best to protect your little one - and yourself. It does not - by virtue of biological motherhood - entitle "Ngrandma" to visiting rights. Not if it upsets you, makes you anxious or nervous - the babe will surely pick up on your upset.

It's fairly accepted practice for a new family to sort of keep to themselves as they adjust to the new arrival's schedule and all the changes that occur. Yes, sometimes family members are there to give a hand & coo over baby, too. I'm just saying you can make this about you - instead of Nmom.

Couple more deep breaths - and try to nap at the same time baby does! Helps get you through the night feedings. 

[bearwithme]

Whoa.

I have to agree with Phoenix.  I completely understand the guilt and the possibility that you may feel selfish or that you may be making a mistake, etc., now that you opened the card and read those words.  You are human for good sake and have a heart, a good one, and that's good.  This is the difficulty of our lives in NC.  But keep going.  Look forward.  Keep looking through that windshield instead of the rearview mirror because your driving forwards, not backwards.

I don't know what else to say.  My heart feels your anguish.  When I had my baby 2 years ago I was not even LC but now I am.  With a baby, it changes a lot of things and don't be afraid to feel what you feel because you are not cold hearted or selfish.  You are protecting your own the way you see fit but that doesn't mean you are not allowed to struggle through some challenging moments.

Just a thought here: (don't get mad at me for saying this)

If you decide to let your NM see the baby, you won't be failing.
If you decide to stay NC, you won't be failing.

((hugs))

Bear.

[swimmer]

Thx for your encouraging words Phoenix and Bear.

I see what you are saying Phoenix.... There is not an obvious role I'm supposed to play here to make this about my mother.

 My daughter is 17 mos old now and my NM had a chance already when my daughter was 2mos old.  Total disaster visit and NC ever since.  It's always about my mom and I get overwhelmed with her needs, and get distracted when every word that comes out of her mouth is negative, it's like really bad TV fuzz with the volume all the way up...  I usually just tune her out, but since I had my daughter my mom feels a responsibility to "save" my daughter from my husband.  I have to focus and take care of my daughter, and I think my mother is actually competing for attention!

Im so grateful to get support to protect my dear husband and daughter from this board.... I sometimes feel guilty like I should provide my mother with a grandchild.... I'm afraid my daughter would lose a mother in the process though.  My mother absolutely does not see that I might have a separate thought on my own.... She will pretend and go along for the ride, and then dump on me when I'm vulnerable or not paying attention.    

It's funny how I'm still scapegoated, even though I'm not in contact.  I'll never shake this image!!  I just can't apologize for being born anymore, and she will never get it.  This is not very virtuous of me, but I wish she would just move on to another target.    

[Ami]

(((((swimmer)))))                       x o xo              Ami

[swimmer]

Thx again here Phoenix, Bear and Ami:)

No I'm not upset by what you wrote bearwithme.... I read this as I should do what I think is right for me and my family, whatever I do.

I wasn't clear in the initial post, my NM already met my daughter once when she  was 2 mos old what a big mistake!!!!!  My mother kept saying things like, don't you hate it when your baby ignores you???  My daughter was clearly overwhelmed with my mother smothering her... My daughter kept looking away as this is the only way she could get away from her insensitive stimulation.  Anyways.... How could a newborn ignore anything...  The sense of responsibility she is placing on her already to please her is so strange.

I think I'm better though, I hope this wave of self doubt and panic pass quickly.  How can I be there for my family with a grownup toddler grandma to look after emotionally.... I'm just sooo done, the end of an era.

[gratitude28]

My NM just came to visit and was so rotten to my daughter that she is heartbroken. She is having a hard time believing her grnadmother is that mean. So, while your family wants contact, I would bet it is a control issue, and not a real desire to be part of your life. I have kept my kids from knowing what their grandmother is for a long time. She showed her true colors. But I have also never let them alone with her, and never would. There will be a lot of decisions for you if you do deide to let her back into your life.
Hang in there. And congrats on your new baby!!!
Love, Beth

[Logy]

My mother kept saying things like, don't you hate it when your baby ignores you???

What???  And this woman was a mother herself? 

I hope I don't offend others by my next comment.  I am a praying person and have strong belief in God and everlasting life.  But whenever my NM talks about praying, that is a red flag to me that she is about to manipulate me.  Praying to her is one, getting her own way, and two, making a socially acceptable comment to get approval.

Having my baby and seeing the sick interaction between NM and my child started my journey towards healing.  I could step outside of my childhood and view the interaction of NM with children from another perspective.  And never underestimate a mother's desire to protect her children!  And while you are protecting your child you may have opportunities for healing.

Hugs.  Logy

[swimmer]

Logy-  it is so reassuring I'm not alone in this, that my good intentions are not malicious.  I could have written what you wrote in thought, but you articulated it beautifully.  Thx sooo much, I can't believe I'm not alone.  My FOO acts like my intentions are so novel, they are just thouhtful of my new family and thier needs along with me.... Which is a good example to kids...

[Redhead Erin]

Hang in there, swimmer.  You are doing fine.  Of course you should protect those near and dear to you.  You don't owe her a thing. 

[sKePTiKal]

Hey swimmer - one of my grandmas was like your mom. The other was very, very different. Sort of "bad witch" and "good witch".

I gotta tell ya - I STILL can't stand the thought or any reminders of Gma #1. I felt, as a kid, and even later grownup... that there was something evil about her; that was confirmed later with things she did to me, one of her 7 husbands and my dad.

It takes a while - and parenting helps - to finally understand that when things are always "given" with emotional strings attached, we don't owe those people very much, at all. I call that "emotional blackmail".... where outwardly everything is all good intentions, meaning well, "praying for you".... when in reality the ulterior motive is to push the buttons they created in you to feel guilty... to feel that you are "wrong" to choose what is right for you & your family... and to later justify their sense of insult & injury when you don't kowtow to their silly efforts to control you.

[Hopalong]

Swimmer I bet you'll get to the point where you don't even want to give her the precious time and energy you spend THINKING about her!

These baby years are so precious and you deserve to enjoy them with joy.

Count those tiny toes until you're hypnotized into happiness.

You deserve to enjoy your life and your mothering...just set aside 15 minutes a day to obsess over the old bat, then dump her from your brain and have HAPPINESS with your baby! (Forgive bossy notions...just my tone today, meant with love...)

xo
Hops

[swimmer]

Hops- recieved with a smile, thx..... Xcellent instructions, I'm taking them to heart:)