Disorganized Attachment (by HeartofPilgrimage in Another layer of the onion)

[SallyingForth]

GS, Have you read stuff about disorganized attachment? It sounds a lot like what you are finding in your research. Disorganized attachment is thought to occur in children whose primary attachment figure is either FRIGHTENING or FRIGHTENED. In other words, the child is being emotionally or otherwise abused, so the parent frightens him/her ... or the parent (usually the mom but not always) was an abused child who dissociates and acts unpredictably. Most of the research identifying disorganized children assess attachment about 18 months of age ... and the freezing (what you found called it "defensive immobilization") is one of the responses these kids have when the mom re-enters the room after a brief absence. The kids typically do other things that are difficult to understand --- like sidling up to the mother rather than approaching her directly, with their gaze averted --- or twirling in place --- or doing a stop-start approach, like they're trying to both approach and avoid all at the same time.

I felt the need to start a new topic here rather than comment on Gaining Strength's "Another layer of the onion" as that is their topic.


I can relate to this in my own childhood. The parent that frightened me was my bio-father. It occurred at 18 months old on purpose to cause several things. Number one: make me dissociate and become multiple, which it did. Number two: cause me to question my gender identity, which it did. Number three was part of the abuse - to freeze and become immobile, unable to function. My father wanted me to be perfectly still. If I moved he'd rape me. He'd leave me in the corner to be perfectly still. There were several odd layers happening at once. Averting my gaze was part of it too.

Looking back, I finally understood why I could not possibly stand still, I could not stand still at any age. No matter what my body would sway after attempting to stand still for a long time. It was natural and normal. My bio-father was not normal — a sadomasochist, a psychopath, and a narcissist. He was a very frightening man due to his size and height and what he would perpetrate on me.

My guess is my perpetrator and the other perpetrators in my childhood knew exactly how to 'get' what they wanted from me.

[Logy]

Oh Sally!  What horrendous abuse!  How you have suffered!

My heart aches for you. 

Many, many hugs coming from me to you!

[HeartofPilgrimage]

Sally,

I am speechless by what you suffered beginning as a baby. I am almost tempted NOT to say "I'm sorry" because that sounds so weak and ineffectual in the face of what you suffered. But I'm going to say it because I want you to know that I am TERRIBLY SORRY that such things exist in this world. I am TERRIBLY SORRY that it was you that had to suffer.

Yes, I have no doubt that you experienced disorganized attachment. Some day you may want to read John Bowlby's attachment trilogy. He formulated attachment theory from ethology, the study of animal behavior. He noted that observations of gorillas found this ... when a baby gorilla was horribly frightened by a big male gorilla, if there were no other available adults, the baby gorilla would seek proximity to the gorilla who frightened him ... this "run away, no, find safety" mixed message from the inside resulted in a disorganization of behavior.

I am glad you survived. I hope you are thriving.

Some people have problems labelling other people as "evil." But I can find no other explanation for what you describe --- other than some people are pure, unadulterated evil. There can be no other word for such savage mistreatment of a baby. Or of such mistreatment of a child, an adolescent, or an adult. But especially a baby.

[SallyingForth]

Hi HeartofPilgrimage,
My FOO who I lived with included my mother (OCPD and N), my step-dad (OCPD), my oldest brother (N), another brother, and a youngest brother (OCPD). My mother, step-dad, and oldest brother mentally/emotionally abused me from a young age. I did not cling to any of them. I do not understand why, except that I found solace in retreating into myself. No safe place existed.

When my bio-father picked me up from my FOO, I knew what was coming and he became the person I clung to no matter how sadistic he was. His boyfriend was equally sadistic. I can relate to that 'run away, no, find safety' mixed message.

I did become a highly functioning multiple in order to survive the ordeals both my FOO and bio-father put me through.

[Gaining Strength]

what I suffered was severe enough to cripple me for decades - the entirety of my life to date (but not for the future to come.)  But what I suffered is not even on the scale of the torture that you suffered from such a horrendously young age.  I don't know how you survived but I am thankful that you are here and are willing to share your pain here with us.

[SallyingForth]

what I suffered was severe enough to cripple me for decades - the entirety of my life to date (but not for the future to come.)  But what I suffered is not even on the scale of the torture that you suffered from such a horrendously young age.  I don't know how you survived but I am thankful that you are here and are willing to share your pain here with us.

Thank you!

I survived through dissociating and becoming multiple. In my head, I used to playact out the abuse. It was the major tool I had to keep my sanity. However, it took me ten years in therapy to understand the playacting was a survival tool not something which indicated I was crazy. In a fleeting moment, I mentioned it to my DH and he just said, 'so?'. I had admitted my deepest, darkest secret and my DH still loved and accepted me. He did not believe it was abnormal.

Once, I had a therapist try to commit me to a psych ward because of what I started to remember and the playacting. She thought I was certifiably nuts. During those early years in therapy, I mentioned one time in my journals what had happened to me. When I told this to this abusive therapist, the lady who tried to have me committed, she now had proof I was crazy. The year was 1989. No one had ever talked about human experiments in therapy. I called them 'military medical experiments.' I did not find out until years later why I called them that. My bio-father was in the Navy.

I write my novels using my playacting ability.

[Gaining Strength]

an abusive therapist to add to it.  I simply marvel at your strength.  Your strength is legion.  I see it is a perfect gift.

[swimmer]

What a sweet innocent age, 18 mos.  My heart also aches for your experience and your painful memories.  Sweet pure child.... that man is horrible!!!!!!! 

[Portia]

I love your picture SF.