A "dating success" that I wanted to share

[nolongeraslave]

I made a dating thread a long time ago, but deleted it. We often doubt our instincts, and I wanted to share a story about how my instinct was DEAD ON with a guy I only met for 2 coffee dates.

This guy just e-mailed me  a rude comment after saying I wasn't ready for dating (Frankly, I don't have to tell him what my business is. I only met him twice).  

On the first date, I felt funny b/c he was asking me "Do you like me? Am I your type?". It came off as insecure when just meeting someone. My friends said 'Oh, it's not a big deal" (never trust other people over your instincts).  He also told me that I came off as reserved. Um, so what? I just met you. Are you looking for me to go wild and in your face on the first date?  I went home feeling uncertain about this guy, but felt like giving him another chance.  The "Maybe I'm looking into it too deeply" thought.


On the second date, he was asking what my exes looked like, what my guy friends looked like, and if my other dates asked me out again.  All of this confirmed to me that he was needy, and he may even be controlling by wanting to know all of that on the second date. It did feel like he was rushing into things ( a sign of an abusive man)  When I went home, I decided to cut things off.

He e-mailed me a few weeks ago saying "No phone call or e-mail in a month. What's going on?" That sounded demanding to me.  When I told him the truth about not being interested, he wrote me back said "Yeah, I bet you met someone else. Way to add an insult, huh?  WTF? And, this guy kept telling what a nice guy he is. (another sign of an abuser. Nice guys don't need to advertise themselves).


I thought about responding to his rude e-mail, but decided not to. I'm NOT going to deal with someone who guilts me and gets mad just b/c I don't want to date them!

I'm just HAPPY that my gut instincts on the first date were right! Now, I finally know to trust it when comes to dating. My mom is a big fat f*cking liar when she tells me that I don't know anything about this stuff.

[nolongeraslave]

Another thing: I had no attraction to this guy.  It feels good to realize that I'm not always going to be attracted to controlling and needy types (people that are my FOO).  I only gave him a chance to see if he was a nice guy that clicked.   

I made a thread a long time ago about being worried that every person I'm attracted to is the "wrong person." I feel so much better that my mate choosing radar is getting better.

[Lollie]

Good for you! Now go ahead and block his e-mail 

[Logy]

Oh yes!  Congratulations!  Thanks for sharing.  Good to hear about one of us trusting our instincts and staying true to ourselves.

[HeartofPilgrimage]

GOOD FOR YOU!! WOO HOO!! Chalk one up for our team ...

I don't know how, but somehow my husband and I are both healthier psychologically than any of our four parents. Maybe we "felt familiar" to each other because of our screwy FOOs, but somehow we both found each other ... and have been each other's stability and source of growth for almost 25 years now. IT IS POSSIBLE!

[gratitude28]

nolonger,
I think our instincts are almost always right on! You should be extremely proud of yourself! what a great story to read! I wish I had been as smart as you when I was younger!
Love, Beth

[Twoapenny]

This is great news, NLS!  Not only did you pick him up on your 'dodgy date' radar but you've dealt with the situation really well, too.  Good for you!  Here's hoping some nice dates start heading in your direction really soon

[nolongeraslave]

Just found this quote from a dating article

"There are very few things in this world that are stronger than a woman's intuition. But people don't give themselves enough credit. They draw conclusions about people in the blink of an eye, yet they don't want to trust themselves."

HOP-That gives me a lot of hope to know that you found someone healthy. Do you mind me asking if you were instantly attracted to him when you first met?

Thanks everyone..I just thought I had to share!

[ann3]

"Now, I finally know to trust it when comes to dating. My mom is a big fat f*cking liar when she tells me that I don't know anything about this stuff."

YAY!!!!  NLS, I completely relate.  Right:  we now trust our gut & will follow it.  We remove NM's invalidating tape from our brain & replace it with "Yes, I do know what I'm doing.  I will follow my intuition & my gut".

[Logy]

HOP,

btw, when you talked about your success with your husband, my first thought was to my daughter's relationship with her boyfriend.  She grew up with me, a single mom, struggling with the issues of my FOO and my failed relationships.  Her boyfriend has even deeper issues with his family - N members, parents' alcoholism, siblings who cut themselves.  They started dating as freshmen in high school, stayed together through high school and college, even though both went to college in separate states and now live on separate sides of the country.  But they have a bond stronger than I have ever seen in most relationships.  I believe that they also are psychologically stronger than where they came from and share the same experiences.

And my NM, my daughter's grandNM, hated this guy, has talked him down to me and my daughter for the past 10 years.  I'm glad my daughter understands - "DON'T LISTEN TO GRANDNMA".

[Ami]

(((((NLAS))))
 I wish I had this Board when I was in college like you are!  Keep coming here and discussing things!                                         Ami

[Hopalong]

Wow, NLAS...that is totally inspiring.
What an important, huge, massive, awesome realization.

You respected your instincts. You listened to them and trusted them.

That's a whole person, who does that. I'm so happy for you.

And Pilgrim...I may find him in a nursing home, but even pushing 60 I hope
I'll find someone to love and rely on and build that with one day. My
parents lived to be quite old (dad 86, Mom 98) so I could have decades of
that happiness ahead. Once current crises, calm, I may go looking again!

thanks NLAS for this heartening story.

xo
Hops

[nolongeraslave]

I'm glad you enjoyed it! I was wondering if it might have been boring, haha.

I always tell myself not to ask other people for dating advice, especially if they haven't been in abusive situations... but I still do it anyway when I'm uncertain. What's a red flag for is not a big deal for someone else, but our intuition is there to warn us of danger.

The only girl who thought this guy was weird right away was someone who also got out of a narcissistic marriage.

[KatG]

It's encouraging for me to see someone else be self validated and gain in life. That is a success, congratulations and good for you!

[lighter]

Yay! yay! for instincts: )

Mo2