Therapy matters

[Worn]

I had a session with my T last week and we were on one subject that I had been going on about for the last three sessions about a current life situation.  I was tired of hearing myself talk about it and felt like I had covered it in full.  So I said I'm tired of talking about this.  She said ok, what are your plans for this summer?  I don't really have any plans as yet and am just aiming at surviving this semester at this point.  I said I felt like I needed to get a job.  So we got to discussing some issues I have around my employment.  It wasn't what I wanted to talk about and I had more pressing matters on my mind, but I went along with the discussion because that's what I do.  I'm a pleaser I guess.

We got to the end of the hour and I finally blurted out what had been on my mind.  That I had been feeling depressed lately.  She said very gently that we had gotten to the end and that now I was bringing up a serious topic.  I was instantly flooded with shame.  Shame that I was an inconvenience, that I wasn't assertive enough, that I couldn't ask for what I needed.  Shame that I had screwed things up again. 

She explained that she needed to let me be more directive in the sessions and asked me how she could help me do that.  She took responsibility for not being more aware of how I wanted the sessions to go, and of letting me do that.  I felt much of the shame leave me when she did this.  I think it was a learning/growing experience for our relationship.  I'm just glad I have a good T.  I've put up with so many rotten ones, ugh.  Worn

[sKePTiKal]

Sounds like she's a good therapist indeed!

You know, some of my sessions I would just chit-chat about very inconsequential stuff. Sometimes I felt like I was simply paying her to be my friend. But that's because there was something important or heavy weighing on my mind - yet I didn't know how to say it; how to talk about it without sounding whiny... like some little kid who really, really wants something but expects to be denied or told "that's not how you ask" or "you're too big/old to act like that over something you should've gotten over a long time ago".

SIGH. I was getting in my own way. Or other times, the topic made me so uncomfortable I'd la-la-la my way through a session, dancing all around my topics... until the next week or later, when I couldn't avoid the "elephant in the room". Not saying any of these apply to you. But, when the T is very patient and allows you some time/space like this with yourself; moderated of course - to figure out yourself what you're doing - it can be leading up to an important topic or breakthrough.

(((((worn)))))

It's gonna be OK.

[Ales2]

Wow - thanks for sharing that. I have been so frustrated with therapy lately (and again! I've ranted about my frustrations before on this site before) that I frequently want to quit (like every other session). Problem is - he IS the best T for me to be seeing ( a published expert on N Mothers) - if I fail to really get what I want from sessions, there wont be anywhere else to go... he's my last hope..   I feel that I'm not being assertive enough either in asking for answers - he knows I'm depressed and I think he is reluctant to get to the heart of the matter or the truths I need to hear (probably my own shortcomings about dealing with my life)  or letting him know how much I am frustrated by therapy itself. 

Anyway, I wish I had something I could offer you...but I can say that I feel the same !! Shame is what happens to me too when I think about "quitting" therapy!

[Twoapenny]

Worn (((((((((((((((()))))))))))))))))))))))

I've had loads of sessions like that.  It can be so hard to even put into words how you feel - or recognise that you have feelings - because you've spent your whole life having to hide or ignore everything about yourself.

I've found asking my therapist to ask me questions helps me.  I spoke to her about sessions like the one you describe, where I just chit chatted about nothing in particular.  My head would feel really fuzzy and I wouldn't be able to describe the session afterwards.  I didn't like those sessions, I felt like I hadn't moved forward.  So we talked and I can't remember which of us suggested it now but if I don't have anything specific I want to talk about I ask her to ask me questions, and she then starts asking me stuff about when I was a kid.  I often find I can't answer the questions, my memories are so vague and if I do describe something to her and she asks me how I felt at the time the answer is always "I didn't feel anything!".  But they help because they do get me thinking through the week and I find it starts to shift things around inside, if you see what I mean.  She has said it helps her as well because she gets a better picture of what my home life was like when I was young.

I think T can be a bit of a rollercoaster but you sound like you have a good therapist there.

[Worn]

Thank you guys for the support and insights.  I've been in and out of therapy since I was 18.  I have always had a very hard time talking about what really mattered.  Many times I just had a hard time talking at all.  I used to freeze up and feel like it would take an effort of will I wasn't capable of to start talking about what hurt.  I would usually end up stuffing whatever negative feeling I was having back down and then I frequently couldn't even recall what it was that had been bothering me.  Is that dissociation?

I like the question asking thing Tap.  Like you said, I may not be able to answer it then but it will start the thought processes. 

I go today for another session.  I'm always anxious when I go.  I tend to be a anxious person.  The first time I stepped into a T's office I had my first panic attack.  He was asking me beginning questions such as how many siblings do you have.  He had to stop the interview.  I was literally terrified.  I've come a ways since then but the revealing of any part of my true self to another person is still unnerving.  This is a relatively new T so we're still getting to know each other.  Worn

[Ales2]

Good luck with your T today Worn. I hope it goes well for you.  I'm in the waiting room and going into T in about 10 minutes myself. 

[Nonameanymore]

Well done on finding a very good therapist Worn.

P.

[SallyingForth]

I go today for another session.  I'm always anxious when I go.  I tend to be a anxious person.  The first time I stepped into a T's office I had my first panic attack.  He was asking me beginning questions such as how many siblings do you have.  He had to stop the interview.  I was literally terrified.  I've come a ways since then but the revealing of any part of my true self to another person is still unnerving.  This is a relatively new T so we're still getting to know each other.  Worn

I can so much relate to your anxiety and panic attack, Worn.

Over thirty-three years ago I saw my first therapist. I remember that day as if it happened yesterday. After sitting down in a comfortable, overstuffed chair, the therapist asked me about my family. I broke into tears and could not speak. My sessions were three times a week and I did not speak a word, not even say 'hello', after the first appointment until three weeks later. All I did was cry. Later, she told me I had had a nervous breakdown. She had wondered if I could continue to go to school. However, she never told me that (until twenty years later).


Several years later, I learned I was an introvert and that plays into how I feel about telling another person my truth. Add to that, abuse by several therapists and the recipe for mistrust is strong enough that I used to always wait until the last minute to share the heavy duty stuff. I soon learned I was sabotaging my own therapy and changed my tactics. It took seeing the same therapist for nearly five years before I could bring myself to tell the 'gory' stuff at the session's beginning. Even then, I censored it due to my abuse and trust issues.


Do not be too hard on yourself, Worn, as this is new therapeutic relationship. She sounds like a great therapist. Most everyone who's been abused has trust issues.

[Portia]

Sally
What you've written makes me feel very grateful again to have found this board. I wouldn't go back and change anything about what I have experienced here. I also very much doubt that it could have happened face to face.

[sKePTiKal]

Portia - you make a very good point! The online environment can be a little easier than F2F for some discussions. But, I think I benefited from both. I was so self-isolated that I needed to experience building that one on one trust relationship with someone. I needed to learn how to say those things that I couldn't even tell myself.

Once I found the board and started to open up here - it actually helped with my sessions and helped with my progress. I think they're very different - but both serve useful functions in healing and becoming whole.

[Portia]

Hi Amber, didn't think about making a point, was only stating thoughts. But yes, I see your point about building a trust relationship. Not sure I would be able to trust any one (single) professional person, not without a lot of investigation and recommendations. And as a somewhat isolated introvert, whose recommendations would I trust? But it's not just being an introvert of course; it's other things. Such as 'knowing' that nobody would know the inside of my head like me, but also 'knowing' that I can/could be influenced away from my own 'knowing'. 'Self'-preservation kept me away from one-to-one. But that's just me, and it made sense for me. Now it doesn't matter.

[Worn]

The last session went very well.  She asked me what I wanted to talk about at the beginning and waited for me to begin even though it took me a few minutes.  I told her some of my memories of my childhood and she agreed nm is crazy.  Not hard to do lol.  She suggested I write out my anger at my parents.  That I allow myself to be angry with them and write to them.  Not to be mailed of course.  I've done this some before and it does help.  There is a LOT of anger in me though. 

The first time I tried this exercise (this time) I wrote about 5 sentences.  I couldn't really get angry with them.  I couldn't feel my anger.  I actually felt like something like tar was coming out of where I keep all those angry feelings and just covering my body.  My limbs felt incredibly heavy and tired.  I laid down and took a nap for three hours.  When I woke up I was still incredibly tired and ended up going to bed a couple hours later.  I wondered if I was going to be able to do this exercise, but figured if I couldn't I had just discovered a terrific remedy for my insomnia.  So I waited a couple days and tried again. 

This time I used my computer to write.  I type much faster than I can write.  I have two pictures of my mom that she looks like her true self in.  All other pictures of her she looks like the sweetest little lady you'd ever hope to meet.  In these pictures you can see the real her shine through.  The face I saw everyday that no one outside the family ever did.  I put these pics beside my computer and started typing.  I ended up typing half a page.  i could feel my anger and I expressed it.  I had a mixture of emotions follow after doing this.  I felt scared that I would be 'punished' for this.  This was an emotion from my childhood where any expression of negative emotions was not allowed.  I felt relief, like a bit of my burden had been lifted and I felt stronger because of it.  And I felt incredibly sad for everything that had happened.  I hope this sadness will turn into empathy for the child I was.  Just thought I'd share this.  Thanks, Worn

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Worn - sounds like you've found what will work for you! My whole journey started out with pictures; old old pictures. I guess it connected more with the visual, pre or non-verbal parts of my brain... and like a key to an old trunk, it opened up a lot of things that had been just "stuffed" away. It's interesting that the computer works better for you than writing, to me.

I guess it's peculiar, on my part - but I found that longhand journals, always with a pencil never pen - let me dive right into those emotions. Not that I ever erased much or corrected spelling, grammar or transposed letters. Maybe - and this is just a guess - it's 'coz I was able to connect to my feelings - myself - when I wrote my first diary with pencil, all those years ago. Everyone creates their own customized way of working through this, I guess.

I also connected with that feeling of exhaustion and "tar" you described. I guess some of that - for me - was the weight of the burden that I'd carried in that old trunk all those years. It gets lighter and easier, with more practice, even though there are difficult places along the way.

I'm glad things are taking a good, productive turn for you!

[ann3]

"It can be so hard to even put into words how you feel - or recognise that you have feelings - because you've spent your whole life having to hide or ignore everything about yourself."

"revealing of any part of my true self to another person is still unnerving."

"It took seeing the same therapist for nearly five years before I could bring myself to tell the 'gory' stuff at the session's beginning. Even then, I censored it due to my abuse and trust issues.

"I couldn't really get angry with them.  I couldn't feel my anger.  I actually felt like something like tar was coming out of where I keep all those angry feelings and just covering my body.  My limbs felt incredibly heavy and tired.  I laid down and took a nap for three hours."

"i could feel my anger and I expressed it.  I had a mixture of emotions follow after doing this.  I felt scared that I would be 'punished' for this.  This was an emotion from my childhood where any expression of negative emotions was not allowed.  I felt relief, like a bit of my burden had been lifted and I felt stronger because of it.  And I felt incredibly sad for everything that had happened.  I hope this sadness will turn into empathy for the child I was.  Just thought I'd share this."

Just want to say:  yes, yes, yes.  I also experienced this stuff.  Therapy takes our time, our energy (emotional & physical), our money, but, there's a wonderful pay off:  we can finally figure out why we are how we are & what we want now.  As we go thru it, we change, we evolve.  I find I'm a different person.  I'm not the person I was prior to therapy.  I'm still in therapy & I'm still changing, getting to the root of my troubles, but also figuring out what I want in the present.  Sometimes, I can't get to the root of it, the origination point & I've come to accept that too.  I've come to accept there was a lot of dysfunction in the past but now, I'm freeing myself from those dysfunctions.

(((((Worn)))):  sounds like your therapy is going really well, even though it's painful. 

[Hopalong]

Worn, that is wonderful. I am so glad for you. I imagine how draining it was but feel the power of your life force getting through it too.

I think you're a brave person. When you're done with anger, you'll be done. You won't be a Janey One Note.

Life is long. You've gotten your healing work started at a young age and that is just huge.

Good for you.

Hops