Taking inventory after three years

[seastorm]

Its been three and a half years since N left for other woman.  I remember how I thought i could not live through the pain of this let alone finding out that he has swindled me out of tens of thousands of dollars.  Once he left the pieces slowly fell into place. There was a porn picture sent to him by the daughter of his new girlfriend. This was so beyond my comprehension then.

When I was in my greatest pain and almost ready to give up I wrote to this board and it was my lifeline. God Bless the people here who come with empathy and experience.  God Bless the ones who are not judgemental and who are still laughing after years of healing.
It is a humbling experience to be attacked by an N. The attack is so multifaceted: financial, slander, swindling, cheating with other women, lying on the grand scale and down to the last minutia. A forum for survivors of this is such life saving thing.

I still read everything I can find on Narcissists and Psychopaths. I rarely tell anyone about my experience because I only get revictimized by them because they cant begin to understand. I turned myself inside out trying to survive. I went to Al-Anon and learned about co dependence, I went to A-A because I learned about addiction, I went for EMDR therapy, I went for Cognitive Behavioural theray ( the only therapy covered by my medical insurance, I found a friend who had been married to a pedophile. My sister was there for me many times when I thought it would be easier to kill myself.  I am through the worst now But I could slip back if I violated the no contact rule, or worked in a place with an employer who was narcissistic.

I went on stress leave recently after agonizing over leaving my job. My boss is a full blown N. who would cheerfully work people to death. From some new place in myself I have faith that turning away from a job that is way too stressful, with a huge caseload, and letting go of it believing that there is a better life for me. Of course there is a whole new set of stressors to deal with but I am coping really well. One step at a time. Even if I feel like staying in bed I just keep doing small things each day and when I do I feel much better.  I have learned so many things from this board. One of them is that we each have to create our own web of security. This is done by NOT LETTING BAD STUFF IN>  This is necessary for a long time. My canoe is tippy and I cant really take on much right now and I am honouring that.

Today I sat on the porch steps of my friend and we listened to the little birds and watched people walking by and felt the sun on our faces.  Living in a rainforest causes one to really appreciate the first sunny day of the spring.  I was happy. We put flowers in our hair and laughed and I was so grateful that I could be happy again. I thought that I would never be happy again. I am a tough cookie but this last relationship seared me to the bone.  And I am happy. Sometimes I wake up and feel the old fear that has no clear thing attached to it. Just general horror. Just feeling like the rug got pulled out and there is no safe place anymore.  But it doesnt stay for the whole day.

So for those who are still in the throws of grieving, there is hope.

Seastorm

[Sealynx]

Thank you for this story Sea.
 I'm in a transition period right now. Luckily it is no where as painful as yours, more of a nagging emptiness related to completing a phase of life and not yet knowing what to seek in the next.  I've been asking for guidance and paying attention to my dreams. That works for me. Good luck in your journey. That next door to a beautiful future will open when you are ready to walk through it.

[lighter]

I rarely tell anyone about my experience because I only get revictimized by them because they cant begin to understand. I turned myself inside out trying to survive.

To for those who are still in the throws of grieving, there is hope.

Seastorm

I absolutely identify with your statement regarding re-victimization when explaining anything about N's/sociopaths.
  Mostly, I'm fine with letting it go, but there are times when we must/or feel we must, speak of these things.

Keep your face in the sun, SS.

Thanks for your message of hope.

Mo2

[seastorm]

Thanks for the replies. I listen to them and they offer a lot.

I realize that i have wild dreams and am still working through things. If I look at the dreams in a Jungian way they are telling me that my own shadow is overwhelming me. This is so complex that it boggles my mind.
I have tried to numb myself but dont succeed very often. That is when I start overeating.

Yes, there are times when we have to speak these things. That statement resounds with truth.

I still have times when I put one more piece in the puzzle and they drop from my subconscious as soon as I wake up. Dealing with a pyschopath, there are so many secrets and so many compartments to what they do, that the only sense of it is felt in my body in the form of exhaustion, anxiety, aches and pains.  At first I got the tip of the iceberg and that blew my mind. Then other things dawned on me, like the financial wheelings and dealings that undermined the future that I had worked so hard to protect. Then the cruelty of what he had done and how calculating he was.  Even I think, O quit complaining, but there it is.
Yesterday I realized that he got me to pay the fifteen thousand to fix up the fishboat, AND he probably got the guy he leased the boat from to pay it to him again. Why else would he organize the information so carefully. So unlike him I thought then.
These are big amounts of money. He had me so snowed. He wanted to MANAGE our finances because I was busy supporting both of us.

I notice that many people on the board are sort of through the worst of the pain. Or they arent talking about how they feel. They have figured out that their lives were mauled by an N. And it was catastrophic. Then for me I began to see the connection between the N and my parents. That was very painful. And now I cross another wilderness in looking at myself. Each stage precipitates loneliness and a feeling of being unsupported. If it was a dream it would be like falling into a dark well and having only a slippery log to support me and after much struggling to get a small foothold and gradually getting out that way. Getting out might not happen.
Very scarey.  Am I so much worse off than other people who have gone through this?

[Hopalong]

Yes you WILL get out.
No you're not the worst example of how bad a survivor of an N can feel.

"Mauled by an N" was a perfect description.

But you have come SO far. Far enough to sit in the sun in a rainforest, put flowers in your hair, be moved by birdsong, accept happiness in a present moment.

I am absolutely positive that this is your lifeforce moving and gaining strength. No nightmares will stay with you all day always. They just won't.

This is REAL psychological strength you're building and noticing. It's not an aberration or an accident. You ARE healing.

Just continue to be kind to yourself. Coming out of a mauling takes times. Healing takes time. Just like a survivor of a wild animal attack, you have your scars. And maybe some flashbacks. But time really does heal.

You will be over the shock eventually. And eventually, you will even be over your anger and bitterness.

The N who stole from you, was stealing his own soul.

You are poorer. You were harmed. But you are well on your way to wholeness...and one day, consistently happy for most days, you'll find that he, and even what he did, has become boring. Because your life has risen to fill you.

You have dignity, worth, and meaning. It ain't the same as money, but on our deathbeds...that's what we've got.

love,
Hops

[river]

   I notice that many people on the board are sort of through the worst of the pain. Or they arent talking about how they feel. They have figured out that their lives were mauled by an N. And it was catastrophic. Then for me I began to see the connection between the N and my parents. That was very painful. And now I cross another wilderness in looking at myself. Each stage precipitates loneliness and a feeling of being unsupported. If it was a dream it would be like falling into a dark well and having only a slippery log to support me and after much struggling to get a small foothold and gradually getting out that way. Getting out might not happen.
Very scarey.  Am I so much worse off than other people who have gone through this?
 

Im glad you said this.  Yes, Im not in the acute stages, but I feel so much damage has been done to me, that place of nothing to get ones feet on, for me like nothing inside, there was, but that its been lost and damaged ~ by the various encounters with N.s in various shapes and formats.  The feeling of loneliness and being unsupported particularly resonates for me.  (the 'self in exile').   I want to tell you theres a study group by skype and you may find it a support, this is what I hoped it would be, support and a stronger basis from which people with these issues could regrow, and also perhaps to create a format for a network for recovery as per al-anon/ addiciton recovery, but specifically for those who've sustained this particular damage.  I need to do a proper info post about it, but wanted to mention it here anhyway for you or anyone who's interested. 



 

[Logy]

Seastorm,
It might feel that most are through the worst and on the way to healing.  In one instance I feel I am.  But then someone else brings a topic that exposes a deep pain, sometimes I never even knew it was there.  So I spend time withdrawing, from this board and from my life.  That is the beauty of sharing.  When someone shares something that brings me pain, I grow a little bit.  I reflect.  I learn.  To me the pain tells me I need to explore this a little more. 
I am cautious about who I share with.  But when I put a little nugget out there, I have found some true gems.  I just know now how much to share and when to pull back. 
On the other hand, I haven't met the next N in my life.  Just working on how to protect myself.
Logy

[seastorm]

I think it is ok to talk about whatever is going on in you and me. Like the void.  What is this VOID? How big is it? Does it make a sound? Does it threaten to swallow you up? Is it tar?  Is it a chasm of no support and loneliness?  I really hate that place. Somehow I think it is necessary though. I have been through it a few times and learned it is better not to fight the current. It is beyond intellectual control by and large.

Just don't fall into Zombie-land.  I don't want to just become a numbed out noonie who has lost my creativity. I seem to be all over the place these days. Up and down. Out of work now. Missing the wounded birds there. But cant go back. No support. Too many kids.

This place has helped me get my equilibrium back so many times. I think it is best I keep posting.

Sea storm

[Logy]

"Just don't fall into Zombie-land.  I don't want to just become a numbed out noonie who has lost my creativity. I seem to be all over the place these days. Up and down."

Seastorm, you really hit a nerve with me.  I think that is where I am at.  I have more understanding but I don't have any peace with it all.  I used to be a creative person.  I feel like a pawn in society's game.  The energy and life has been sucked out of me by all the demands.  My dream vacation is to go to a monastery where nobody talks and all I do is wander the grounds, get lost in the woods, watch nature, nod to the occasional human.  No demands other than to eat, drink and sleep.  Maybe then I will feel that urge to draw, paint, think.  Or just lay in the grass and watch the clouds.

Logy

[seastorm]

Awwwww Logy that is exactly what I mean. At least you are thinking it would be a good thing. I think I would like to have a .....Conference in the sense of sitting under umbrellas and eating nice things and being in a garden and talking to like minded souls who have shared this journey.  We are all so isolated.  I am too battered right now. Mast broken, sails ripped, rudder hanging by one bolt, that sort of thing.

I think of the compassion and wisdom and goodness shown on this site and I feel lucky to have discovered you guys.

Sea storm

[Logy]

Seastorm,
I am up for that conference!!!  Nobody there but all of us.  And the silent, gentle souls who take care of US.  Nobody expects anything from us other than to just exist.  And we all learn that it is ok to just be.  Sometimes I just want to hug, really hug, not cyber hug, the people here. 

The conference has no agenda.  No scheduled activities everyone is expected to attend.  Maybe a meeting point at the beach, in a cabin, around the fire at night, that if you choose to attend you can meet up with others who want to discuss a particular point.  Or you can just sit by yourself, or with a new friend, watching the sun set, enjoying the silent connection.

Ah!  Just thinking about it makes me feel better.

Logy

[seastorm]

I can just see the sparks from the fire flying up into the night sky toward the stars. And there is a place for us.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

Seastorm,

You are a poet and have a heart much, much bigger than anything that has ever happened to you.

love,
Hops

[seastorm]

Thanks. That is very, very nice to hear.

I remember the poem you sent long ago and the little fish that glittered in the swamp.

Love,

Sea storm

[CB123]

Sea,

I am so honored to have gotten to watch your journey these last three years... I think that you and I came to the board at about the same time.  I stand in awe of your strength and how far you have come. 

You inspire me.

Love
CB