Today

[Worn]

Nm turned 70 today.  I went to pick out a birthday card and stood there for about 20 minutes reading beautiful, loving cards for moms.  I finally found one that had 'Mom' on the front and on the inside said 'Three little letters that make all the difference, Happy birthday'.  I got that one.  Made me think of milk of magnesia at the time.

She thanked me for giving her 'such a lovely card'.  It was depressing reading all those cards about how moms are the best thing in the world and how they are people's rocks, blah, blah, blah.  She might be a rock, but she threw it at my head. 

I was talking with nm and f and was trying to get information about a childhood memory.  I didn't want to let them know that was what I was doing.  So I asked them if they thought this incident might have something to do with my back problems.  It doesn't, but it was a way of asking without letting them know what I was really asking. 

I have two herniated discs and one disc with degenerative disc disease.  I have gone through physical therapy, steroid shots in my spine, and at one point was losing the use of my left leg.  I have told them many times that I am in almost constant pain from this.  I've been going through this for about 1 1/2 yrs now.  When I asked about the childhood memory my f asked if my back was still bothering me.  I said all the time.  He then went on to tell me about how when he went canoeing one time his shoulders ached for days.  Then nm said she took a typing class and her shoulder hurt for awhile after that.  WTH?  Are they both N? 

They both wear me out.  I am exhausted.  Four hours time with them and I can barely take it.  Tonight I am Worn...out.

[swimmer]

I hope you recover quickly Worn.  To have to recover from seeing your parents..... I know what you are saying.  My mom took me to an ear nose and throat dr to evaluate me for a tonsillectomy.  My mom started interrupting the Dr. and asking about clicking in her jaw or something like that.  It was the first time I really thought, there is something not quite right here.  I was a little irritated, said something and she was really huffy and puffy about it.  I was 17 years old at the time. She was so casual about everything, my having surgery and her asking really dumb questions while the Dr. barely had time for my questions.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Worn,

One of the reasons I stopped seeing my folks was because of the way I felt after I spent time with them.   I suffered from depression for years and often just put on a brave face and didn't tell anyone.  After going LC, I found my moods dipped and peaked much less.  I remember being on the phone to my mum one time - nothing major happened, it was just a 'normal' conversation with her.  I felt really fuzzy headed and disconcerted afterwards, and realised that, had that feeling been more severe and lasted for two weeks, it would be classified as clinical depression.  Since then I paid a lot more notice to how I felt when I was around her.  They are completely exhausting to deal with - escpecially when you have your own health problems going on.   Hope your back feels better soon.

[sKePTiKal]

So, did they have any insight into your memory - or did they just avoid it by talking about your back problems? Sounds like the memory was pretty important to you.

[Worn]

My memory is of me, about 4 or 5.  I remember laying in the living room on a blanket all day because my legs hurt.  I remember not walking as much as possible because it hurt so much.  I remember being at church and my dad looking down at me then picking me up and carrying me out and getting my legs x-rayed.  My dad is a pediatrician. 

I know I had the leg pain because my mom would talk about 'growing pains' I had in my legs.  I remember distinctly the pain from times later in childhood when I experienced it.  Growing pains don't usually last more than a few hours.  My dad would know that any refusal to walk or extended periods of pain would indicate something more than growing pains.  So why did he wait until the middle of church to get my legs checked? 

My parents said that I never refused to walk.  Maybe I didn't, but I do remember avoiding it as much as possible.  I remember crawling at one point because it hurt to stand. 

They said they remember getting my legs x-rayed because they were afraid it was a bone disease that my dad had when he was little.  They said they never found anything wrong. 

To me, them admitting that they thought it might be the bone disease my dad had means I was in considerable distress.  That my memory is probably mostly correct. 

Is the bar for medical neglect lowered when your father is a pediatrician?  When he has instant access to medical facilities and you are ignored for days anyway? 

I had a similar experience as a 21 yr old.  I had been having repeated migraines for a week.  Literally one migraine after another.  It was on average two a day with me sleeping about 6 hours between them.  Nausea, vomiting, extreme pain, the works.  I was living at home at the time.  I realize now that Imitrex or a similar migraine medicine could have easily been gotten for me. 

But there was nothing.  After a week of this I was awake at 4 am with another one.  I was worn out and began crying.  My mom came in and awkwardly comforted me.  I said I wanted to go to the ER.  She said ok, and my dad stuck his head in my room and said I'll take you.  I waited for about an hour then asked my mom when we were going.  She said my dad had left for work.  I just broke down.  I was exhausted and so sick.  She called him back to the house and he took me to the ER.  They did an MRI and sent me to a neurologist. 

Turns out my brain had swelled and was causing the migraines.  They put me on a round of steroids and I was better in about two days. 

I really don't know what to say to that.  Worn

[Portia]

Worn, your parents make you sick, are a threat to your health, like being next to radioactive stuff. Isn't that what toxic means? Yeah all those cards with very inappropriate words on them. I was pondering whether there might be a market for cards that tell it like it is, but with humour. There are some, but they aren't for for MOTHERS! Glad I don't have to choose cards any more. It feels light to glance at them and think, oh, i don't have to do that any more.

much love
(((((((((Worn)))))))))

[Worn]

I think you are right Portia, they are toxic.  I think I'm realizing how toxic they are. 

For about the last four years I've made a commitment to not giving nm any cards that have anything on them that I couldn't agree with.  No more flowery prose, just the basics.  There is usually a card or two for mother's day or birthdays that are rather generic.  I think they make them for just such a purpose.  Giving them to mother's who weren't so motherly.
Worn

[sKePTiKal]

WOW. Sounds like you've got a lot to work with there, in that memory.

[Worn]

Yeah, guess I do.  Sorry for dumping all that here.  I just started writing and it didn't stop.  Worn

[Hopalong]

Kindly retract that apology, Ma'am!

I am VERY glad you "dumped it" here.

That's what here's FOR!

You deserve to be listened to.

love,
Hops

[Worn]

Thanks for reminding me Hops.

Apology retracted.

Old fear of 'bothering' people.  Issues with self worth are attached. 

I remember being spanked for 'bothering' guests we had at the house.  I was actually just interacting with them.  I think nm didn't want to share the spotlight with a 6 year old.

Worn

[sKePTiKal]

Worn, honey...

you've got a great head on your shoulders and these memories are full of the "keys" that will unlock a new understanding of yourself and this relationship with your parents. It helps a lot to just start writing and see what comes out. It helps to write it for other people to see and respond to, too. The comparison between how people respond here - and the "old FOO" responses - can be a building block in your healing and growth process.

"Seen and not heard" was something applied to lots of us, as kids. I was even told it was impossible for me to have the feelings I had; that I wasn't old enough to have those kinds of feelings. DUH - huh? How nuts was THAT??!

[Worn]

It's strange, these boards.  Like you said PR, 'seen but not heard' was a huge thing for many of us.  Here on this board I can't be seen, but I AM heard.  Thank you everyone for that.  It is without price.

These two memories are hard for me to understand.  I have a need to understand the 'why' behind things.  When learning a new concept I often have to understand why it works to completely learn it. 

If I really look at the why behind these memories all I see is pain.  I don't think I want to know why this time, but I still have that urge. 

The memory of me as a 21 yr old came to me as I was writing about the first memory.  That memory is intact.  I know the whole story. 

T time this week should be interesting.  But then, it always is.  Worn

[Worn]

Talked with my T today.  Told her these two memories. 

Talked about my friend calling yesterday.  We see each other a couple times a week at least.  I've been really busy finishing up the semester so I told him I wouldn't be around for about a week.  He called and we talked for about 2 hours.  I could tell he misses me.  That he misses me being around.  That I am missed. 

Telling my T about this I couldn't stop crying.  She said I'm not invisible.  My soul wails at the thought that this is true.  It's like water in the desert.

I'm still crying. Worn

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((Worn))))))))))))))))

...to the woman who wanted to name herself "Worm"

xxoo

Hops