Thanks for all your replies!!
It's just so comforting to hear others talk about how their families have affected their weight. And KJ, wow are we from similar backgrounds! I was skinny and active, too, until my mom and her live in boyfriend split up (he was the one who really took care of me). I think you're right about that bit about them reading the same insanity advice. That gave me a real laugh.
There's nothing worse than someone going on a diet and then talking endlessly about their diet, so I don't like to bring it up too often.
I know what you mean, but I never get bored of it because I think that's because it's about learning to take care of yourself. It's about learning to listen to what your body needs - and to respond to it. Some people just gain weight and have problems with it. Some people have biological predispositions to be on the heavy side. But I also think it's something that touches on so much of what so many of us here were denied as kids. Caring, listening, and learning to care about ourselves.
My problem is that I look in the mirror and I see a slight reflection of her. I never resembled her, but I am starting to show some of her features. I hate my looks now! I hate seeing Nmom in the mirror!
Does anyone else look like their N?
I look like my mom more and more, too. People used to say I was my dad's twin, and didn't look anything like my mom, but now my face really looks like hers. More and more every day, really. It's very strange. I'm reminded of how much she dated when she was my age, only I'm not responsible for a child and I've had more time to work through my problems without taking it out on my own children.
So I ate and ate and ate to sooth/care for myself. Now where Nmom comes in is that we lived out in the country -- no food store anywhere remotely close. So she supplied me, enabled me. My weapon of destruction -- Chocolate Chip Cookies made with Criso. I made at least one batch a day, every day for months and ate most of them. Couple with puberty, I ballooned to over 200 lbs' on a 5' 1" frame. Yikes!
Oh boy, me, too! I actually grew up in an inner city neighborhood, but you couldn't get anywhere without driving, and she was so lazy about going to the grocery store that we either ordered pizza or went through the drive thru of whatever fast food chain she was in the mood for. On the other nights, I had to "scrounge up something" for myself. She actually used to say that to me. Sorry, but you're gonna have to scrounge something up tonight. I'd "understand". But what was there to scrounge? Instant mashed potatoes. Captain Crunch Cereal. A bag of Tater Tots. A tube of croissants. Real nutritional, huh?
My NGrandmom used to put me on diets and into athletic programs during the summers, but she was just as bad. She would sneak up behind me at the dinner table and poke me to see how fat my shoulders were. Surprised she didn't just stick an apple in my mouth.
When I told my mom about that later, she was all shocked and got mad. Oh, and started talking about how badly she was treated by her own mother. When I asked her why she left me at grandmom's all the time (I practically lived there because she was the babysitter when my mom was on dates), she said it was because she thought grandmom was nicer to me. Even after she'd seen grandmom's tantrums and threatened her that if she continued she never see her grandchild again.
But I digress.
I can bike. I can even jog some again! My Nparents, especially Nmom, were death on participating in sports and PE -- they would not let us do it, they would not give a reason why out side of "we can't afford it". Self-care is an abberation in our household.
Isn't it amazing? Sports were practically banned in my household, too. The reason was that sports were for idiots who couldn't do anything better with themselves. Sports were for the masses. Sports were antithetical to art, culture, and intellectualism. It took a looooong time for me to finally break through all those lies to discover that I love dancing and playing basketball - and yes, jogging. And isn't it amazing what a good hour of physical exercise will do for your mood? You're so right about better means of self-care. Eat better foods, feel better. Get excercise, feel better. And all of a sudden, there you are in a 10-12.
But guess what? When I started playing basketball, my mom told me that she used to play, too. In fact, she took over the conversation with all her basketball insight. Groan. How do they live with all their contradictions???
The funny thing was the more weight I lost, the more detached I could become from her anger. It was like I became more self-contained, more myself.
Me, too. I felt like I was finally showing through all the fat. THIS is what I really look like. THIS is really who I am. Not that fat miserable person you insulted and criticized. THIS is who I am when you're not making me miserable.
THIS is who I am...plus flappy skin.
Well, I finally started looking into surgery because I finally decided that it would be okay. Wow is it expensive, though! Humph. Maybe I'm gonna have to learn to live with it after all!
Something about deciding it would be okay made me feel a little less resentful, though. Or maybe it was doing the research and thinking about a life beyond this literal baggage.
Wildflower
