feeling lonely and scared

[seastorm]

I have been feeling alone and afraid since I left my job a month ago. I work with abused children and it got overwhelming for me. There is little can be done for many of them and I have way too many to work with. The system I work in wants me to do short term intervention and refer them on. Except there is nowhere to really refer them on to.
Besides this I have gained a lot of weight and my knees are so bad that I could not walk sometimes. So I am kind of a wreck right now.

I have been reading Alice Miller and she says the body will develop illness if past childhood abuse is not uncovered and dealt with. I agree. I came to this site to deal with my exN  and I did not get into my relationship with my mother. She passed away a year and a half ago. I was too afraid to deal with it. For some reason. Now I am remembering a lot of her cruelty, but it is so mixed up with her helping me at other times.

So I feel shunned. This comes up when I start to uncover stuff about my mom. I start to feel pretty paranoid with everyone. This is very hard. Adjusting to not working is like suddenly coming to a complete stop. My job was way too much of my life and I stayed too long. Until my health took a serious downturn. The good part is that after a month I can sleep without sleeping pills and I dont have panic attacks. I can sleep. My overeating has calmed down.

Basically I really have to attend to my health now.  I am just really shakey emotionally. I keep remembering my exN and sort of obsess about it. Especially when I wake up in the morning. I have been fighting calling him. I havent but I fall back into that addictive behaviour.

Sea Storm

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((Seastorm)))))))))))

AAAAHH-OOOO--GAAAH!

Do you think you need an N?

Or how about:
--a support group
--an Emotions Anonymous group?
--an ACOA group (the fellowship travels well for children of Ns)
--a relaxed and welcoming spiritual or meditation or church community?
--a women's group?
--a very gentle walking group?
--art therapy class?
--any creative group activity?
--a healthy eating group?
--a simple container garden plan?

love
Hops

[Sealynx]

Sea,
Hops has given you some great ideas, especially the ACOA group, because they are just about everywhere. You might wonder what you have in common with them because your mother didn't abuse substances...quite a bit. One of my partners from many years back was in AA. I would occasionally tag along for a meeting and attend one of the other sessions that ran simultaneously. The ACOA folks were exposed to many of the same issues we were. When their parent drank, they didn't exist except to facilitate the drinking.

I'm glad you quit the job with abused children. For many years I worked with inner city college kids, the ones who had failed to get basic Math, English and Reading skills. Many came from abusive homes or neighborhoods where abuse was rampant. They needed constant support and like your job, my role in their lives was limited. I tried to support them but the weight of their problems were huge. I could do little for the student whose only sibling was shot dead in a senseless drive-by or the girl whose entire family was on drugs and stealing everything she bought for herself and her children. I think we are drawn out of compassion to those who need help but it is also a form of extreme giving that resonates with the nature of our abuse. We are the ones who need the supportive environment and while healing others is noble, it is also exhausting. Give your local AA a call and ask where the ACOA meetings are today.
S

[sKePTiKal]

Hey Sea... big HUG for ya!

I'm sorry you're going through a poopy time right now. But it is OK, even if it doesn't always feel like it... because you're no longer participating in an N-relationship. It doesn't always feel "right" to take care of ourselves, because of living so long under the demand for things to be always about the N. Sometimes, I think, indulging in vices and deliberately neglecting ourselves is a sort of "silent scream" of "WHAT ABOUT ME??? SOMEONE PLEASE HELP!!" Some health issues fall into this category, too.

But of course, there is no one but ourselves who can provide that kind of help. And N's do their best to convince us that we're not able to take care of ourselves (substituting an "empty promise" of that they will care for us) and that somehow we don't measure up to qualify for that kind of care. They work hard to brainwash us into not even noticing that we can provide that kind of care for ourselves, make wise lifestyle choices, and are the kinds of people that attract friends. All the better to isolate the "victim" and keep them under N-control. Again, for empty, broken promises of care from the N.

HOGWASH, I say!

YOU are the powerful one who can protect and take care of yourself. The N is weak, pathetic, a parasite, a vampire... who simply can't exist without another to feed on. It takes some time after escaping that kind of "danger" to adjust to feeling safe again, to begin un-doing the damned damage, and re-making "the way you are"... feeling that you are entitled to good things and giving them to yourself; making the life changes you WANT to - NEED to - make. Be kind and patient with yourself and know that there are friends here who will be happy to see you succeed and will comfort and care when it seems difficult.

[seastorm]

Thank you, thank you, for your wisdom and kind words.

You are so right. I need to fill my life with good things now. I have felt really tired and drained and I guess after years of working in the trenches I am pretty burned out. The good part is that I can have some time and space to get healthy again.
Loneliness seems to come and with it fears about all sorts of things when I make a big change, even if it is for the best.

I am so haunted by my ex and it hits me when I am vulnerable, tired etc.

Phoenix Rising : talk about deliberately neglecting ourselves is a silent scream. I know I did the right thing in leaving my job. After I left I just sort of collapsed into exhaustion and feelings of helplessness. It is hard to make a change. At least for me because I have to cross a void  of chaos and fear to do it.  I really thank you for your help.

Hopalong:   Ah oo gah . Right. Warning . Flashing lights.  I need to connect with a good group.  You are right. I am tired now and will do this. not sure exactly where though. This isnt the big city for sure.  I could go to church though. Right now I am very close to my cat who seems to know something is amiss and cuddles me a lot and is really sticking to me.  I am so sorry about your beloved dog. They are such good companions for us, these little animals.

SeaLynx: The extreme giving is true. I stop and just start into space for awhile after writing that. It was ridiculous what was required from one person. Impossible. And if I failed then it spelled catastrophe for a child. Tooooo much. Tooo often. I have no desire to go back to it.
Having time to think and feel has brought on an avalanche of feeling, memories, loss etc. I would rather go through it though than get sick and die.
There are people around but I have really isolated myself. I dont feel like chit chat these days and so many people dont want to talk about feelings. So I have to go to where they do that. I looked up the house for sale that my ex and his new gal were living in and it is a mansion on over an acre. Good grief. It is worth 1.2 million. I was curious and found out it was for sale. It is bizarre that he is suddenly such a rich guy.  The house is an Edwardian treasure. Maybe it is envy or a sense of failure. Nevertheless the house is for sale. He never did get a job and it was not all  my fault. His words really haunt me. Bev, you are a loser, people shun you, you are mentally ill.  All my worst fears.
My mom said the same things.  They are not true but they are like fibre glass under the skin.  Both my ex and my mom were Ns. My boss was an N.  The school principals were Ns. So I am getting out of the net of Ns. Boy I sure felt trapped.

Sea storm

[swimmer]

Seastorm-

Good for you... sounds like you are on the right track.  I know what you mean about a job that just needs, needs, needs more of you- it's a vaccuum.  Often these types of workplaces are set up wrong, so it's impossible to give enough to fix much.  I work in healthcare, and after leaving a crazy university hospital job I slept about 17 hours a day for a month.  I put on some weight at this job cause I was so tired.... I forgot the difference between feeling hungry and exhaustion.  Then I climbed a few mountains and traveled for a year with my hubby.  So restorative!! 

Be easy on yourself and celebrate the good parts of your experience, about the "small" things.  If you were in contact with children, I'm sure words you said will carry them thier whole life.  There is time to move on definately..... and celebrate what went right!  I would never have traded that job I had for anything, but the time came for me to move on as well. 

You sound so emotionally healthy Seastorm, for recognizing what you need.  Well adjusted people recognize what they need and go after it. Congrats on your new phase, or however you define it:))

[swimmer]

Another idea Seastorm.... If there is a local Ymca near you it is a great community with healthy values.  The pools are clean and have wonderful water aerobics classes, exercise classes etc.... It's just a place to go everyday without riffraff, and everyone there is focused on something healthy.  The staff are so respectful as well.  It's been a Godsend through the transitions in my life, especially through lonely ones:)

[seastorm]

Thank you all for your help. I marshalled myself out the door. Went to a watercolour show where a friend was showing her work for the first time. I met a woman who wants to sing blues and Cole Porter songs  together. So lots happened. I phoned another old friend and will go visit her on Thursday. We are going to a salmon bake at the reservation and protest the salmon farms. I bought two videos by Rodney Yee on Yoga. So there ya go.

It is weird to be unemployed. I feel like staying in bed for three weeks and reading and ordering Chinese Food.  Except I fall down the bunny hole or the black hole and freak out. No wonder people keep busy, busy, busy. At least I am not deeply grieving anything right now. Although I have noticed that people who are grieving are on the edge and have their hearts right out there. I seem to relate to those folks better than people who are ....;....


Sea storm

[CB123]

Seastorm,

I read your post with a lot of sympathy...just want to reach out and give you a hug and tell you it will be okay. 

When you are scared, I know its hard to change your perspective...but I see where you are as such a healing place.  I hope you can give yourself the time to really nurture yourself and let yourself heal.  I understand how long long hours at work can suck you dry. 

I recently read an article by Dominique Browning that really touched me...she was talking about losing her job (layoff) and what a huge catalyst it was for her to rethink her life.  Not at first, of course.  At first, she curled up in a ball and ached.  So makes me think that this is part of the process, since I have heard of this with other people too.

Anyway, she has a new book out...I am looking forward to reading it. I also enjoy her blog Slow Love Life.  Its about how being out of work gave her time to really see things around her.

Love
CB

[seastorm]

Hi CB123

Thanks for your help and kind words of encouragement. Everything you say is very true. This is a big opportunity as well as being a big transition. It is not a neat and tidy package for sure. I alternate between feeling so alone and then so relieved that I am out of the job.
I look back on it and think," Who would want to put themselves in a position of witnessing little children being abused and then given lipservice as help. Who would want to swallow what abusive parents give for excuses. There is so much wrong with how we are raising kids and I cant stand to watch anymore.

I am moving forward and consciously creating a life I can love. I joined a gospel choir. Always wanted to do that. And little things like drinking my tea in the morning very slowly and watching the birds and the river. I am amping down.
This morning I was thinking that I believe that my Nmother,s behaviour was my fault. And npartner's behaviour was my fault. I think this is why it hurts so much. I tried Tapping to deal with this belief. I want to get through all this and I am a little at a time and no one is undermining me or sucking the life out of me. So there is lots of hope.


Sea storm

[Worn]

I think I experienced some of the same kind of burnout you're talking about seastorm.  I worked with people with developmental disabilities for 11 years.  After watching abuse, neglect and their rights being trampled AND management doing nothing about it.  They actually were mad that I was bringing up the issue.  I ended up just walking away.  I went through the trouble sleeping and tons of dreams where'd I'd wake up so angry about the situation.  The dreams stopped after a few months and I slept better.  Glad you're feeling some better also.
Take care, Worn

[Hopalong]

LOTS of hope, Seastorm.

You have still the right to be happy.
It's hard when you have been exposed to such sadness, to remember.

But do remember.

The universe is here for you too. And it's okay to love yourself now,
and to begin to shed suffering.

It doesn't mean you're no longer caring. It means you are honoring life
and healing yourself, and you just no longer live on the battlefield.

You have done so much. It is okay to rest and revive your spirit, and to laugh.

with love,
Hops

[Sealynx]

Sea,
Stephen Dunn is my favorite poet and I have always been drawn to this poem by him....It describes the way I used to live my life.....and the way I would let my family restore the dysfunctional patterns I tried to leave behind. They would pretend to be angels of love as they criticized me and shoved me back out into a world I wasn't equipped by them to understand.

    The Guardian Angel

    Afloat between lives and stale truths,
        he realizes
    he's never truly protected one soul,

    they all die anyway, and what good
        is solace,
    solace is cheap. The signs are clear:

    the drooping wings, the shameless thinking
        about utility
    and self. It's time to stop.

    The guardian angel lives for a month
        with other angels,
    sings the angelic songs, is reminded

    that he doesn't have a human choice.
        The angel of love
    lies down with him, and loving

    restores him his pure heart.
        Yet how hard it is to descend into sadness once more.

    When the poor are evicted, he stands
     between them and the bank, but the bank sees nothing
     in it's way.

    When the meek are overpowered
     he's there, the thin air through which they fall. Without effect

    he keeps getting in the way of insults.
    He keeps wrapping his wings around those in the cold.

    Even his lamentations are unheard,
    though now, in for the long haul, trying to live
    beyond despair, he believes, he needs
    to believe  everything he does takes root, hums
    beneath the surfaces of the world.