How do I stop...

[angrygirl]

from becoming a N parent? Is this genetic?

[Anonymous]

Who knows if it's genetic, but I highly suggest staying away from these people. Took me 35 years to figure that out. I don't care to get involved in their arguments, don't care about their guilt trips, don't care what they think of me or my loved ones..nothing. The sky is not blue in their world...it's more like plaid:-). You can't expect rationality from these people, so stop gauging your life on their expectations. Easier said than done, but you finally reach a point where you just don't care anymore.

If you're questioning whether or not you'll become an Nmonster, you're not one. They can't see that there would ever be anything wrong with them.

[flower]

Hi angrygirl,

my 2 cents

I'd say treat your kids like you want to be treated - the golden rule will help combat any tendencies you have picked up. (and we all have picked something up from Ns IMO and have those tendencies) Think long and hard -what would I feel like if I were treated like I am treating my children.  Ask others' opinions if you are unable  to put yourself in others' shoes  by way of imagination.

Believe your kids as much as possible. Respect their opinions.  Use good manners towards your children.  Be honest with them and don't keep secrets about things they should know. Honor your word to them. Keep your promises. Respect them. Help them to become independent as they grow older....things like that.

[Anonymous]

If I think that for one minute I am becoming a controlling, manipulative person.....I back off.

But there are some behaviors that I am sure we do not even have a clue we are doing.  I know if you are raised by an N that you will have picked up some negative traits.  My daughter calls me "Negative Nancy...."  Funny, I always thought I was upbeat and had a positive outlook on life.  Think that was all negatived right out of me!!

Now I try to do everything just the opposite of Nmom.  But again, some of those terrible attributes had to come through.

[Anonymous]

I think learning the arts of apology and validation is key. My mother did neither of these things.