The Way They Think ...

[Sealynx]

My sis and I got in a discussion a few days ago. She commented that my aunt refused to let my niece fill the tub and take her usual long soaking bath while my aunt was a guest in THEIR home. I immediately said that was controlling and she shouldn't be supervising a 12 year old taking a bath anyway.

I then told her that when I told our mother that I had ordered my neice a laptop because she had straight A's this year, went to district for Science fair and was going to state for Piano (hoping she might offer to chip in or help out with software), she said that I shouldn't do that because "all the other children would be jealous and try to hurt her!!"

My sister said that she thought my mother and aunt acted the way because they came from a large family and my grandparents didn't have a great deal of money to give them what they wanted. She said that they couldn't take a long bath because there were eight other kids who had to be bathed.

I thought that was an interesting comment because I don't think early habit patterns should still be controlling people who are pushing 80 years of age! To me, my mother was expressing how she would still feel when someone got something she wanted. She is very like a jealous child who always wants at least the "appearance" of what others have. She doesn't appear to understand what it means to own something for its true value...like owning a computer to take notes and do homework.

By the same token my aunt's insistence on sticking to her "rules" has kept her virtually friendless. Once she takes a position on something she holds to it just like a stubborn child and will fly into a rage if she is not allowed to have her way.  While I think my sister might be right about where some of these habits came from...the interesting thing is that neither of them ever "grew" past that childhood stage. They are both the same selfish mean-spirited children they were 70 years ago. I think it is very true that N's simply don't mature emotionally...

[Gaining Strength]

Whew - it gives me the heebie jeebies just to read how they act.
Actually, I think that our childhood dysfunctions get worse as we age unless we intervene to heal or correct them.

Not surprising but tragic and waring.

[Hopalong]

I think your sister was right, to also see it in the context of their real childhoods, how deeply they were marked by their own experiences of deprivation and fear. I would like to know more about the Depression's effects in terms of psychology.

What alarms me is the problems we Boomers have, too. A whole different set. And our kids? Whew.

I think you are right, that Ns stopped growing. There's a desperate inflexibility in disordered personalities that disables their ability to respond to the present. Their negativity and loneliness is pitiful. Their selfishness is cell-deep and yet they think it's necessary. And it drives everyone away.

They are sad reflexive creatures, without reflection.

Maybe some Boomers, reflect too much. I wish it were possible to really see it all, like Buddha.

love,
Hops

[teartracks]

Hi Sealynx,

One more possibility on the refusal to allow the 12 year old to have a soaking tub bath...back in the day, the idea that you might 'catch a disease' from bathing after others was fairly common, at least in the culture I knew.  Just a thought.

tt
PS  Sometimes behaviors are simply based in fear.  Justified or not, fear is nearly always debilitating in one way or another and not always based in the need to control just for the sake of controling.  

[Sealynx]

I think it points to the importance of empathy in emotional growth and development.

[teartracks]

I think so too, Sealynx.  More and more I try to pause and ponder a little deeper than the obvious in behaviors (mine and theirs).  I try to dope out the fear that drives the behavior.  That often reveals a subtext that is far more effectively addressed with empathy and compassion than with hostility.

tt



 

[bearwithme]

the interesting thing is that neither of them ever "grew" past that childhood stage. They are both the same selfish mean-spirited children they were 70 years ago. I think it is very true that N's simply don't mature emotionally...

Yes and yes!  They are children in their minds, that never grew past the age of 2 or 3: Selfish, self-serving, tantrum throwing...lack of empathy...

Bear

[Portia]

TT:

That often reveals a subtext that is far more effectively addressed with empathy and compassion than with hostility.

How about neutrality?.......

[Logy]

I also agree with your sister's analysis.  N's do not seek personal growth.  They are emotionally stuck in the same cycle as a three year old, no matter how old they are.  Any behavior from them that suggests personal growth is a manipulative attempt to draw someone back who refuses to let them get away with that behavior.  At first I wondered why, when they have the emotionally maturity of a three year old, they have manipulative skills that I most often attribute to a higher level of thinking.  But then I thought about the Youtube video of the 2 year old boy having a crying fit.  Yeah, this is the N.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gk-OfmmRaqs

[Sealynx]

LOL, Logy,
When I watched that it reminded me of my mother having a screaming fight and then instantly turning off the anger and switching to "normal or even sweet" just like that child did, so she could answer the phone!! So very true!!! I think we should all have this video on our cell phone so we can watch it when our N's act up and ground ourselves in the reality of the situation. This is such a gift Logy. I'm going to share it with Sis!
S

[gratitude28]

Seal,
It is sweet that your daughter came up with a kind explanation. My daughter often does that too. I think we have done well with our kids if they try to look for the good in these trying and often ridiculous situations. There may have been a reason, or it may have been purely control. Either way, your daughter was able to accept it and go on.
Love, Beth

[Logy]

Portia,

Agree.....Neutrality.

Logy

[teartracks]

Hi Portia,

Agreed - hitting the old neutral button is often the best way to go.

tt

[Sealynx]

So true about neutrality. We were brought up by people who had an opinion on everything and everyone. Sometimes we need to tell ourselves that we don't have to play the opinion game at all or be engaged by anyone's mindset, especially if it doesn't enhance our being.