NM left message on my voice mail

[JustKathy]

I think her definition of a horrible tragedy is your NM's death.  To N's that is the most horrible thing.

I think that's EXACTLY what she means by that. My NM is supposed to be dying of cancer (I say "supposed to be" because she claimed to have a month to live, last June). When she was diagnosed with her alleged terminal cancer, she started sending me guilt letters saying things like "one day you'll learn the truth," "one day you'll realize that I'm not the evil person you told everyone I was," and so on. None of it made any sense. She was just being a gigantic drama queen. They definitely see their own death as a HUGE, earth shattering event. The planet simply cannot continue to rotate without them on it. And we, the children, will no longer be able to function without them.

[swimmer]

That's great you erased it Bear!!   Toxic!!!!!  Gives me the shivers....

[Baddaughter]

I still love that story.  Love love love it!  Help me Steeevve!  I hope by now that I'm laughing with you.   

The veiled threats not so funny -- what in the world goes through their minds?  And how come it is so directed that multitudes of their other acquaintances (many lifelong) never seem to detect anything "funny." 


My mom passed in Feb and yesterday I inadvertently retrieved one of her voice mails from last April (09).  She was in high form for this message.  I've lost my whole family as a result of her shenanigans over the past year -- and then she checked out and didn't get to enjoy the fruits of her labors -- so your story is resonating with me this evening. 

But more than one time, I wanted to drop kick her into next week.  I swear to you that I never hoped for her death or expected it any time soon.  But I have become a prayer warrior of sorts the past few years and never cease to be amazed at the results and the path it is taking me down.   So even with all I have lost and all that I won't ever have -- my life without her in it is easier than when she was in it.  I had been totally no contact from July 6th until now, so it wasn't like her passing made that much difference, at least not in the here and now -- but now I find that her death has somehow Intensifed all the Staunch Loyalty of her.  She was a saint before -- but now -- well can ya hear the choirs of angels?

So it is not entirely a hardship that none of them speak to me anymore.  I ran into some of my cousins this evening and first cousin would not make eye contact.  These folks never seemed involved during the years and years that I was devoting my life to some screwball appease my parents pilgrimage.  None of these people ever had words with me or spoke to me directly about my situation or anything -- life long relationships -- just gone -- up in smoke -- won't return calls -- won't open dialogs -- look for excuses to extend snub to additional family members -- so my ploy the past two months is to beat them to the ignore -- I'm kind, polite and breezy and fast -- I've seen too many episodes of Jerry Springer to antagonize any of these whacks. 

As much as I applaud it, I commiserate with your frustraton in losing it -- they are not worth it and it just makes them set their jaw and act worse -- but at least the anger was landing where it was aimed instead of hurting youself mentally or causing you stress illness -- that seems healthy.  If she doesn't like -- she can change or stay away (and other dreams).  Lately I've been fantasizing that I was switched at birth -- aahhh -- nice.


Love Biddy

[Hopalong]

You were, Biddy...come back!

I'd much rather have you than my brother.

Hops

[bearwithme]

Biddy wrote:

I ran into some of my cousins this evening and first cousin would not make eye contact.  These folks never seemed involved during the years and years that I was devoting my life to some screwball appease my parents pilgrimage.  None of these people ever had words with me or spoke to me directly about my situation or anything -- life long relationships -- just gone -- up in smoke -- won't return calls -- won't open dialogs -- look for excuses to extend snub to additional family members -- so my ploy the past two months is to beat them to the ignore -- I'm kind, polite and breezy and fast -- I've seen too many episodes of Jerry Springer to antagonize any of these whacks. 

This is an outrageous experience.  They are all N's!!  My NM's family is the same way.  Most are crazy N's like what you described above.  It's funny, they like to "pit" one against that one without hearing both sides of the story.  They love, love, love the gossip and to believe this one about that one and did this and did that  and oh my gosh.  Your cousins should be ashamed of themselves--they have no right whatsoever!!

Swimmer, JustKathy: thank you for those words and supporting me. I so feel this now.  I feel supported and believe I'm doing the right thing, not only by your experiences but in my own unique way, which makes it even MORE right and honest.

I'd like to quote Biddy "what in the world goes through their minds?"  This is the thing I grapple with on a daily basis.  Do they even have the ability to think?  No, actually think, think, think.  What could possibly be going through her mind when she called and heard my voice on the message machine?  Not that I need to know, but it's both perplexing and fascinating to me.  I'd like to know if she rolled her eyes or grimaced or felt bad in the least way.  I'm trying to humanize her here, aren't I??  Because she has only dehumanized me all my life!!

The questions I have will never be answered.  I need to stop feeling frustrated with this...oh, someday. Someday.

Bear

[Portia]

Hi Bear

 I'm trying to humanize her here, aren't I?

It's like having a computer running the most basic operating system and imagining that it's capable of responding like Windows 7. It isn't capable. It runs the basic programs - survive, get attention - but isn't capable of running Other People Are Separate (and therefore: compassion, empathy, understanding etc). You might imagine that OPAS lies dormant inside that basic OS, but it doesn't. The neural architecture withered away long ago; it was never used.

Maybe we'll be able to upload OPAS one day (don't hold your breath). Until then, it's a good idea to keep your imagination in check and only judge by behaviour.

Remember: it's not only you that she dehumanizes, she does it to everyone. And it's not through a purposeful attempt to 'do it to you' - it's simply the program running what it does. My two cents.

[bearwithme]

It runs the basic programs - survive, get attention - but isn't capable of running Other People Are Separate (and therefore: compassion, empathy, understanding etc).

Portia, I think your right.  This is evident during the big blow out where I went "white with anger."  I couldn't see straight and all I heard her say was "what about yoooouuuu?"  What about me?  What about me?  What about me? What???? 

Her basic program is all about her but when things go wrong, it's all about the OTHER PERSON = ME!! (Or when I was growing up it was my dad, then when he disappeared, it was my brother, then when he disappeared, it became me).

It's been me waaaayyyyyyyyy too long.

Bear

[Portia]

It seems a bit of a contradiction Bear, that on the one hand it's all about 'me', but then there's zero responsibility for own actions or decisions etc...all responsibility is someone else's, all 'blame' is elsewhere. Yeah, there has to be a victim, a current repository for all the bad stuff. Has it ever been me I wonder? i wouldn't know. Sometimes i think mine fears me a little - possibly going on the basis that everyone is like her - and that idea should be enough to scare anyone. But she probably does it behind my back, not to my face. I represent too much of her own mother to her - and there lies the fear i think. Damn strange!

Hope you step out of the game Bear.

[Butterfly]

My T explained that Ns are so extremely emotionally disabled that one cannot expect anything rational, straight or sensible to come from them.  It is as if they don't really exist as their own persons but only reflect their immediate need of the moment whether it be attention, soothing, blame, etc.  Almost like a newborn animal.  They don't seem to have their own opinions or ideas but only what they hear from others.  It has been my experience that they are not capable of any introspection whatsoever.  Very scary that they exist - the next great scourge of the modern world.