That's okay, Bear, heavens, I don't care about mistakes.
You came to VESMB after my mother had died--that was March of '09, so it was an easy error.
No offense taken! (I heard some loving support even if you had the precise subject mixed up!)
My dear D has had some therapy, but she was living elsewhere. Now she's marooned with me until she recovers financially and her shock over the suddenness with which she needed me as a safety net has been expressed in a lot of anger at me, for maaaaaaaaaaany past errors I made that contributed to her issues. The problem was, she did so much blaming with so much relentless intensity that it got so hurtful we lost our connection, really. I literally can't take being attacked so much.
That's the real sadness. I'm over M-day. That day was just more than I could handle. I had spent a week having friendly encounters with kind strangers, making friends wherever I went. I had also been thinking about her so much and so lovingly. Buying special things I knew she needed or would enjoy to bring home, etc. So when on M-day she raged at me again....I just couldn't take the contrast. I had felt so happy away. Coming home to her misery (expressed in nasty hostility) just broke me open.
No more huff, though. I had a great howling cry, which I needed. And I feel better. I think SHE needs this too, there is so much pain underneath her behavior. Yet I can't fix it or comfort her, because in her mind, I've become the trigger for it.
I do believe that years will heal this. It has just been an incredibly sad reality check. To face where we actually are now.
If anything's a test of faith, it's holding on, loving her always, knowing she may turn her back on me pretty completely and I don't know for how long. But I'll be here.
You know, sometimes I think....this is the OTHER side of NC.
It's a great power, children have. I'm glad I forgave Nmother...was reading something on salon.com today about a NC situation. Couldn't help it, I felt sorry for the clueless mother who'd so alienated her D that they hadn't spoken or had a real visit in years!
Hops
