Sympathy/Empathy- being kind to a Narcissist

[Meh]

My mother had surgery recently. I was kind to her about the process. Prior to this I had very limited contact with her.

If I am not sympathetic she will say to all of my relatives how cold and uncaring I am. When I am sympathetic she treats me like crap.

Because I was sympathetic she thinks its an opening to start bothering me again, she is sending me E-mails every day trying to give me idiotic advice. She fully admits that the advice she gives isn't based on any sort of facts at all. Yet she opens her mouth and just says stupid stuff.

If I do have a conversation with her the conversations are these round and round pointless conversations.

I'm really tired of the emotional see-saw feeling.

Writing about her and reading on this site haven't changed me or her but it has given me more insight into the weird relational patterns.  

She wanted to meet me for her birthday and mother's day, she insists upon it, continues to bother me over and over.

When I finally meet her and spend time with her she is so distracted like she can't stand to be around me. I can't talk about anything important with her. Her main concern revolves around her pet poodle's bodily functions even though the dog wasn't with us she is still concerned primarily about where the dog is going to poop, where ever we go she is looking for spots for her dog to poop. Not only that but the places we eat lunch or have coffee at she has to describe to me in detail about the restroom facilities. It's embarrassing.

I said I needed to get my hair cut and she asks me how much it costs. I tell her it's between $40-60, I live in a city this is really not even the max amount people spend on their hair. I don't get my hair cut very often, maybe once a year. My mother says: "whoooo that's a lot of money to spend on a hair cut." --SHE spends that much on her poodle's hair cut twice a month. My mother spends more money on her dog's hair doo then I spend on mine yet she complains to me how much I spend on myself. F-her.

I can't stand the b*tch. Just needed to vent.

I notice how both of my parents my father and my mother have used this getting sympathy thing and then twist it into something weird.

My mother repetitively over and over again pushes me to do things that I already have told her I don't want to do. She doesn't have any basic respect for me, of course it's nothing new.  She nags me to the point that I want to yell at her and slap her. I never have of course. If I did scream at her she would probably just laugh and tell my relatives how terrible I am.  

I think it's really best not to do anything kind for a Narcissist.

There is this term in politics called stonewalling. Well, I feel like I need to "stone-wall" my mother and well most of my relatives to be sane.

I guess that statement says that I grew up with a mother that I needed to protect myself from emotionally. I already know this, I'm not sure why I'm writing it. It's like I have to continue to explain to myself what is happening.

The set of emotional experiences that go along with dealing with a Narcissist just feel so strange and screwed up. Yet it's constantly like I have to explain and justify the weird experience. There is no solution except complete avoidance.  

Oh and my B*tch-Mother tells me how I don't have a normal life. She thinks I should live in a big house and have lots of this-and-that and I don't and because I don't she says that 'I'm not normal". I know I'm not NORMAL!!!! How could I be!! Ahhhhh!!!!! I hate her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Gaining Strength]

It sounds awful Helen.
And it sounds all too familiar.

My mother says nasty things about me behind my back regardless of whether I am nice or not. 
By some miracle I have learned to let it go.  Once my "knowledge" was confirmed by a woman who was working for her, the validation gave me some kind of peace.  Who knows why.

I hope something happens that gives you peace of mind in spite of the insanity.

[Sealynx]

Hi Helen,
My mother called me today to ask if I could "smell' the oil in the gulf. After I said no, she then launched into her usual script of "filler" questions none of which she really wants the answer to. She simply felt she "should" call me because that act made her a good mother. The questions, comments and suggestions are always the same no matter how many times I've expressed my lack of interest in them. I see them as her inability to assimilate new information of any kind rather than her really being attached to these old conversations.

 I think the problem is that they get they are supposed to do things like talk to us once in a while or see us on mother's day etc.. but since they are incapable of the kind of feeling normal people have, these events are as emotionally empty for them as the "scripts" they generate are annoying and crazy making for us. They simple can not have a normal emotional interchange so they rely on doing things like giving whatever advice comes to mind (regardless of whether its appropriate) or chattering about their lives, which is all they really know. They are like broken records.

[Twoapenny]

Hi Helen,

You have my sympathy.  I've not had any contact with any of my family (apart from one lovely sister) for three years now, and never will again.  I just found it impossible to deal with any or all of them.  My mum used to do the ill health thing when things weren't well between us - I'd get a cryptic message that would give the impression something was seriously wrong, get in touch, be lead a merry dance for several weeks (and put up with it because I thought she was dying) and then find out there was only a minor health problem in the first place.  The last attempt she made was several years ago, when I first stopped responding to her.  She wrote to my son every week with all the family information (he was four at the time, autistic, couldn't read and even if he could I wouldn't have let him read what she had written) and there used to be comments in there about having to go away, being at the doctor's, having to attend a funeral, so much sadness going on, etc.  There would usually be one comment a week, all designed, I believe, to get me to contact her and find out what was going on.  Conversely, she never mentioned my uncle, who had been ill for months and was thought to be dying, knowing full well that I would actually like to know how he was.  To this day I have no idea whether or not he made it.

I have no advice to offer re dealing with this because all I was able to do was walk away.  Thinking of you, though xx

[gratitude28]

Helen,
I know what you mean about the see saw. My NM will ignore us for a long time, and then something makes her realize she has done so and she doesn't want to "look bad" so we get all kinds of calls and emails... It is so annoying. And none of the interactions, as you pointed out, are ever normal. When she starts on this phase, I just want to tear my hair out and make her go back to her hidey hole. For me, the latest is that someone she cares for joined facebook. So now she is frantically checking out my page, commenting on our lives (she is so out of touch with us and doesn't want this person to know). I'm really hoping she will stop soon as it's completely annoying.
Hang in there Helen! You sound like a onderful and enjoyable person. Branch out and try your hardest to shake off your NM's weirdness and sickness.
Love, Beth

[BonesMS]

Helen, I can relate!  I dealt with a similar situation with NDoofus who has a mother suffering from Alzheimer's.  I finally had no choice but to cut all ties and walk away because it was just too crazy-making and complicating my own health issues.

As for the crazy N's who keep posting stupidity on our Facebook profiles/walls, I figured out how to use the "hide" feature.  Heaven!

(BTW, when I checked my Facebook page, I found a message in my InBox from an N playing the sympathy-ploy game by pretending that she is being victimized by one of her young grandchildren.  NBitch forgot that I am already aware that she lives up north, two or three states away and the grandchild in question is STILL LIVING WITH HER MOTHER a few miles away from me, attending high school and preparing for her graduation in two weeks!  Dumb NB*tch!  I'm sick of the games!)

Bones

[Meh]

Hi Helen,
My mother called me today to ask if I could "smell' the oil in the gulf. After I said no, she then launched into her usual script of "filler" questions none of which she really wants the answer to. She simply felt she "should" call me because that act made her a good mother. The questions, comments and suggestions are always the same no matter how many times I've expressed my lack of interest in them. I see them as her inability to assimilate new information of any kind rather than her really being attached to these old conversations.

 I think the problem is that they get they are supposed to do things like talk to us once in a while or see us on mother's day etc.. but since they are incapable of the kind of feeling normal people have, these events are as emotionally empty for them as the "scripts" they generate are annoying and crazy making for us. They simple can not have a normal emotional interchange so they rely on doing things like giving whatever advice comes to mind (regardless of whether its appropriate) or chattering about their lives, which is all they really know. They are like broken records.

This is what I experience with my mother, the filler questions etc., you explain it well.