Bear can SEE

[Hopalong]

Oh Bear, that photo is magic.
I bet it is amazing. Mysterious, compelling, the man and his own father. I yearned to see it when you described it.

What a treasure. What an important thing. I'm so glad you have the print.

You MUST scan it or have it scanned and preserve it...once you do, you can make a beautiful large print of it, frame it as it deserves, hang it in a place that greets you.

"Bear, you saw us. You can see..."

Okay, present day.

Guess what? Despite the pain of your mother having tried to squelch it, this is such an AWESOME thing to have uncovered and shared. What a wonderful stirring of your soul...back to life. YOUR definition of life.

Please, please...go buy a camera.

No expectations. Just DOING, PLAYING, enjoying for yourself, how you can see...

Oh hooray.

love
Hops

[bearwithme]

Hops,

I'm so grateful.  Thank you for cheering me on.  It's funny because sometimes you "give up the dream" and move on with the thought, "Naa, that was then, this is now."  But the more I think about it the more I feel close to the "ability" to even dream a dream, even if it's 33 years old....I thought it died along with my self esteem!

My Nmom had the ability to quash a lot of those dreams as they popped up in my childhood so I have felt dreamless, in a sense.  I wrote more of my story as those have come before me have done so eloquently on the Members Story.  I love reading your stories and I'm so not alone.

As for the photo, it is grainy and hazy but I'll do my best to get it out of the archives and make it my own, again.

I CAN SEE!! 

Bear

[Hopalong]

Not only that but you can WRITE, Bear.

Just read your latest addition to your story.

Honey Chile...you are something amazing.

WHAT a triumph that you have so much clarity in your mind and depth of story and comprehension of what you've been through. You are so SMART that you are creating a new trajectory--you're changing that family tree.

You are really amazing. Lord, what photographs you will take and art you will make.

I am SO GLAD you have leapt past the idea that you "were responsible for facilitating a relationship between her and your daughter..."

THANK HEAVEN YOU HAVE LEARNED BETTER!

Lots and lots of people grow up okay even fine, without grandparenting. It is not a requirement for a good life. I met two of mine verrrrrrrrrrrry briefly and never knew any of them well.

Sure, in a cozy mentally healthy village a bio-extended family would be nice. But in your case (and so many others)...the hell with that!

Have you ever considered finding a comfortable church community to get comfy in, with classes and potlucks and a bunch of activities, so your little girl can grow up feeling like part of a large safe group?

(Mind you, I'm quite paranoid about the effect of traditional religious teachings on girls, though I mightily love the Golden Rule. In my case, the only one spacious and vague enough for me to enjoy the community stuff without fearing for my mental health, is Unitarian Universalism. But the Quakers run a darn close second.)

Anyway, it's just a thought about how you can create PHamily and your little girl will just know she's loved. Not be hung up on whether it's BIOgrandma, or just some old lady she sees every week at a happy place (where people sing and stuff) who adores her. ADOPT a grandma for your wee child, she'll thank you forever!

(I had until last year when he died a close, very familial and very loving relationship with an old man family friend who had no children of his own. He and I were absolutely PHamily and I'm grateful forever for him.)

It can be done and boy do you and your dear ones deserve it!

hugs,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Bear - I have never given up on my dreams even though in some ways I might seem to old.  Hold on tight and don't let them go and never let anyone take them away.

Thank you two for allowing us in on this thread.  It is warm and encouraging and uplifting.

[bearwithme]

Geez Gaining, this board is for all of us including all the threads involved.  I don't take advantage, or I try not to. 

The Member's story board is amazing.  I love reading the stories there, like they are all mini novels waiting to be published someday when the author realizes they have a gift to tell us what happened to them, so personal, so deep and so real.  It is THEIR story and no one elses, yet we relate as if it was us individually.  I think some of the stories are uncanny to mine.  Like some tell their story and I think, my gosh, THAT'S ME  and someone else is telling it!!

I think Hops struck a chord in the "dreams" department.  When did our dreams fade?  What day was it exactly?  Was is one instance or did it take decades to erode away what we thought was going to be "us."  I'd love to find out.

Bear

[Hopalong]

When did our dreams fade?  What day was it exactly?  ....   I'd love to find out.

I figure that's another stage of grieving.

Part of me, when I ask myself those kinds of questions, is just recently beginning to be TIRED of that sense of loss, and I'm starting to respond to myself when I yearn for old dreams:
ahh the hell with it--what do I want to do NOW?

The past really is gone. that used to be about "gone" as in oh god, I lost it, I wasn't given or didn't create the yesterday I wanted.

Now, not consistently but more often, gone is about "I've released it". When I release it, I get my present back.

I want to be present, in the present, live my present. (With a practical but not panicked eye on the future.)

(Don't manage it all the time--of course old stuff sure does get triggered...but I don't get stuck for such long stretches in bringing the past into my present as much or, well, incessantly, as I used to...)

love,
Hops