To belong somewhere, to find meaning

[Meh]

I read an author's response to a question "Do you feel alienated out in the remote country".

He responded that he felt alienated in the city. He is an educated, skilled, wealthy, known, attractive person and he stated that he felt alone in the city or alienated.

It makes me wonder how much of my experiences are due to something that I perceive as a personal problem with myself or how much of my experiences are shared by others.

I tell myself that there is something wrong with me and that is why I don't feel right, or why I feel "off", or just plain grumpy.
I tell myself maybe it is my "malformed personality" that prevents me from entering the "main stream".

All I know is I don't feel "right" where I am. And I ask myself will I ever feel "right" anywhere?

I'm not a child, I'm adult, as an adult I still seem to be faced with a childlike question of "where do I belong"-"where do I fit in"-"what is my purpose"- "what is the meaningfulness of my life's work".....

I feel like maybe the whole world left me behind. Then sometimes, like when I read the author's statement, I think that my experience is not so uncommon.

Yet, I go sit in the park, and everyone is with other people, I'm there sitting by myself, thinking it's a nice day and looking around, I'm seeing mostly families or people who are all in connection with others. Even the homeless men congregate and stake out their turf on one end of the park. I don't seem to belong anywhere at all. And I wonder about the women who walk by me and give me these looks, they are looks that I perceive to be catty type looks, challenging looks, hair flipping looks.

Not only do I not belong, but the people who do belong seem hostile to me.

And this moves me on to wondering if I am just having a bad day or if I am seeing things clearly in these moments of observation.

I'm going to eat dinner by myself and I am going to read a book as a diversion from considering my life that seems to be out of control.

I will survive one more day and wake for another "one more day".

I do wonder how much does Nar-family upbringing factor into this experience. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. I really can't say.

I feel very very alone and I have found ways to cope with that and live with that and be that.

[Logy]

MB.

Belonging is something we were never allowed to do.  If we belonged to society, then we didn't belong to the N's.  If others accepted us, the N was not in control and became less.  The opinions of others might sway us against the worship the N required.  We are not allowed to enter the "main stream".  If we do, then the image the N has set up for us might come crashing down. 

MB, I do share your experience.  An educated, skilled, wealthy, known, attractive person can feel the same.

Question.  Do you want to belong to those who would walk by another person and judge them at a glance? 

Maybe the problem is not you, but the whole world.

[sKePTiKal]

Belonging and finding meaning, are slightly different things I think.

I find both of those terms too vague for me to understand in a functional way. I need something more concrete - do I need to join some group? What kind? Maybe I should volunteer. (for belonging, for instance) Meaning?? oy - that's even harder to pin down because it's as simple and undefinable (to me) as "I matter". Not because of what I belong to... not because of my connections with other people... not because of what I do. I matter; I count as a human - to myself. Baseline. I NEED to matter to myself.

That's all the meaning that's essential to my being. Maybe I'll be lucky enough to find more than that but I'm not holding my breath! LOL! Anything more than that comes from other people - I have meaning for other people - in the context of my connection with other people, you know? So, now I'm back to belonging.... two sides to that: acceptance of me by other people and acceptance of them, by me.

Maybe I'm just babbling 'coz I got up way too early today... feel free to completely ignore this!

[Izzy_*now*]

I tell myself that there is something wrong with me and that is why I don't feel right, or why I feel "off", ...........
I tell myself maybe it is my "malformed personality" that prevents me from entering the "main stream"

All I know is I don't feel "right" where I am. And I ask myself will I ever feel "right" anywhere?

I'm not a child, I'm adult, as an adult I still seem to be faced with a childlike question of "where do I belong"-"where do I fit in"-"what is my purpose"- "what is the meaningfulness of my life's work".....

I feel like maybe the whole world left me behind.

I can understand those feelings, muffinbuster. I've been there, and perhaps I still am. Are you female?

I live alone and at present feel that the only person who understands me is my physical therapist, so I can stand having her here 3 times a week for an hour or two, and no matter what happens, in a time we disagree, it is worked out immediately and we are still very good for each other.

She has 'been there, done that' with pain herself, and she and her husband are each dealing with N parents, so there is nothing we have not confided in one another. If she arrives in a bad mood, I can soon have her laughing, and vice versa.

I can deal with store clerks, etc. as they are temporary and don't invade my solitude....which I value very much.

My sister came for 7 days and nights in April, and I found I geared my disrupted life to her needs, such as go to bed early and not disturb her, even if I had a bad night....although she said she could fit into my awful schedule of being up all night and sleep on and off during the day (which is fine when I am alone, as it bothers no one) She cooked all the meals, had brought me the recipes and 'made me watch' as she prepared them. What I ought to have done was put her in my other wheelchair and THEN have her do her wonders. She would then see how this wouldn't work for me!....carrying a big pot of HOT soup from the stove  across the kitchen to the other counter. I just kept quiet, as she was trying to help, but without being in my shoes!

I must do things my way in order to not cause myself more damage.

Therefore, because of some oddities, I find life best lived alone, and want no 'boring' company.

I don't find any hostile people, as I mind my own business, in public....but one day a woman and I were going the same direction on the sidewalk. We chatted but she didn't appear interested at all, said 'good-bye', crossed the street, but continued for another block in the same direction until she turned to go into the newspaper office. I continued home, another block after that then forgot about her---until I used her now as an example.

It is very difficult to find a 'friend/acquaintance' with the same outlook as yourself. I thought I had when I was at a Clinic one day. She was so interested in conspiracy theories, as am I! Yet it turned out that she wanted all the news from me, while she watches TV all day....an older woman, but not really interested in keeping in touch. I did twice, by phone, and won't anymore-- I've sent emails with interesting theories-- no reply. She was just a dud.

I'm going to eat dinner by myself and I am going to read a book as a diversion from considering my life that seems to be out of control.

I will survive one more day and wake for another "one more day".

I do wonder how much does Nar-family upbringing factor into this experience. Maybe a little, maybe a lot. I really can't say

.

I am constantly reading books that have subject matter that I believe will never happen in my life! All my days are the same as yesterday and tomorrow will be the same as today. It all depends on how I use my mind! I believe that my upbringing began this, as I spent much time alone in a family of parents and 4 siblings....I just "didn't fit". In searching for love, marriage and having a family, I can now see that I was going against my need to be alone, trying to fit into the mainstream of others and be like them, but I am not.

I am a born loner, realize it, and have accepted it now! I smoke, drink and have an abnormal need to have answers for everything that happens. I can only relax around myself, so I do "feel like maybe the whole world left me behind"., but have made my own world.

Does this sound pathetic? I never want anyone feeling sorry for me and I crack jokes like crazy! (I had to tell my lawyer about ME, so he would know how to deal with me in court, should we not settle Out Of Court!)

any response?

Izzy

[Meh]

At this moment, I don't have any more to add to this. It's an expression of being in the world and not being 100% in it.

 

[Meh]

Are you female?

Yes. Female.

Izz: It sounds like you listen to the Art Bell radio station.