Author Topic: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis  (Read 8942 times)

Hopalong

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #45 on: August 24, 2010, 09:21:24 PM »
Thank you, GS!

I need support for my "square feet" too...and I appreciate the reminder.

I am so moved and impressed by your maintenance of the rooms you've cleaned so far.
That is just SUCH a sign of a changed life.

And the small bits at a time? Bravo.

I know and I share.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

lighter

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #46 on: August 25, 2010, 04:46:41 AM »
GS, I know it's bad to write in books, but I highlighted People of the lie both times I read it, and it was amazing to see what I got from each read.

Hops, I've been cleaning china cabinets, one shelf at a time.

No pressure.  No guilt.

Both cabinets, and their contents, are now sparkling and it feels so good.

Thanks for the Square feet cleaning ideas.

They do help: )

sKePTiKal

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #47 on: August 25, 2010, 07:55:15 AM »
About writing notes in books:

I sometimes wish I still had the books that I'd marked up. It's like a journal or study guide for me - even if I can't remember what struck me so much that I had to make the scribble. Like Hansel & Gretl's breadcrumbs those notes give me a way to trace the ideas that were important to my progress in becoming "me". Especially as I would link ideas in poetry or lit, or spiritual books, with science and neuro and psych. Sure, some were naive... even silly wistful things! Still - the books are "where I've been" and if I choose to revisit those, it's nice to know what I thought/felt the first time around... even if I no longer think that.

GS! Thanks for the update and the good news! I'm so glad to know that your progress is expanding and picking up depth & speed. Hugs to you...
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #48 on: August 25, 2010, 12:10:11 PM »
I went to the bank to get money on Monday.  The cupboard was bare.
I was dumbfounded because I was expecting a Social Security check deposited between the 18th and 20th.  No deposit.

I have checked my last statement - no deposit in July.

That means that they have stopped the deposits for some reason.  Now I have to find out why and what I can do about it.
All of this financial stuff sends my adrenalin soarring.  This is SOOO frightening for me BUT it is exactly what I need to do and I know that courage is facing what I fear and doing it anyway.  Plus, I know exactly where the fear is coming from and there is no way I can get where I want to be without doing this work so no matter how frightening and how much I would like to get out of this I know I must.

It is scary.  I am also going to ask my father to loan me money until I get this payment reinstored.  This social security check is the only income I have and it has not been enough to keep us alive as it is under $1000 and I am behind in property tax for a year with yet another year looming ahead.

I do need to push forward to generate income.  It is all so scary.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #49 on: August 26, 2010, 06:43:27 AM »
I'll be keeping my fingers crossed that it's a simple mixup - maybe a new computer system or something - and can be quickly, easily fixed. I'll also be hoping you get to deal with someone who's compassionate and kind. Even the gov'mint makes mistakes.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #50 on: August 26, 2010, 02:45:39 PM »
Bad day yesterday on a number of fronts, but as I was thinking about that this morning, I wondered what did I mean by "bad day."  My answer surprised me - "bad day" meant that my reactions has more control over me than I had over them, my fear, anxiety, depression were running amok.  That is a bad day for me.

But in reality, while they were running wild, in comparison to even a short while back, I still had more control than for most of my life.

Several things sent my anxiety and depression into over-drive: a $150 bill for car-repair following a $180 bill on Monday; an empty account and realiztion that I had not filed necessary paper work with Social Security (this actually was good news b/c that means that I can rectify this situation and have a financial reprieve to some degree very soon) but also I bumped into my father.  He walked by me and spoke, "Hello" in the way you address someone you have seen before but whose name you don't know.  It is such a confirmation of what I already know, that he has zero interest or concern about me.  It is no surprise but it is jarring none-the-less. 


Gaining Strength

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #51 on: August 26, 2010, 02:49:46 PM »
Thanks PR.  It is a simple fix and quick in relative terms -" 3 to 5 business days after tomorrow". 
I have made a phone call to borrow a few $100s in the mean time.  That may or may not happen.  But the bottom line is that it is a reprieve that will give me the time and boost that I need to get my ducks in a row.  No time like the present.

I no longer have my two biggest time sappers and attention detractors - TV and internet, (not that that stops me from spending time on line) but it has given me much needed focus so that will help me push through the next step.

Hopalong

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #52 on: August 26, 2010, 10:08:57 PM »
One step at a time.

Same thing as the square feet but it's your real feet!

I'm sorry about the tough week but really impressed to hear your calm and clear thinking...

you're so far ahead of where you were, GS!

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #53 on: August 27, 2010, 09:42:17 AM »
WOWZERS!!!!!!!!!


You might have to read your last post - and then compare it to some just a few weeks ago. I was struck with how far you've come, impressed with how you've accomplished some of your main goals that (to me) it seems we discussed not so long ago and by how free you are now, from the old double-bind loops and emotional mind-games.

Connection - is necessary, along with communication of your needs and having a reasonable expectation that those needs will be met, to resolve the issue at Social Security. Paperwork is just a formality. You've got that under control and sailed through resolving the problem, with ease.

Autonomy - in a very real experiential way, autonomy is "doing what you have to do" without letting the old emotional loops get in the way and prevent you from doing them. They are still there - as you've recognized - but they've been de-fanged and stripped of their "magical" power.

Self-Efficacy - You realized your crisis; you defined goals; you made a plan - and you are carrying it out! You KNOW you can rely on yourself, trust yourself now.

And not even seeing your father - or experiencing the same old, same old with him - was big enough or powerful enough to stop you from carrying on; it didn't set you back. That's like meeting the devil face to face and ignoring his whispered lies which caused the fear in the first place. BRAVO!!  [APPLAUSE!!]

That is EXACTLY the place you've been saying you wanted to get to, and from what you've described I think you're THERE.

That said, I also know that this is still very tough; it still hurts; and it's still very scary. In fact, I know from my own experience that even the accomplishments can generate a bit of fear about reprisals, the other shoe dropping, progress being wiped out - ETC. None of the things I feared were based on anything except the old thought-pattern of fear. Nothing "bad" happened as a result of me moving out of the past and into the new.** Now you know, that in reality, "negative" is only right half the time - and perhaps even less - if we give in to the fear and start to doubt ourselves and our abilities.

But, it's got to feel good - new and good - to know that you've done all this yourself. And rather than looking back at the "old" - which you already know better than you want to know - keep patting yourself on the back for this new good in your life and take a few minutes to cross off one goal on the list, while you add a new one (the next step).

** That's not saying that unpleasant, unwanted experiences don't happen to everyone. They do. But it doesn't happen on the scale or level of the mental/emotional difficulty inherited from our FOO. We've had more issues with bills because of our move than we've had in 10 years. The post office didn't forward a couple - the biller assessed late charges on the next bill; I sent payment and explained what had happened. The late fees were waived. Then, just last week we got a collection notice... one of hubby's cell phones was charged to a card co. that was sold (and so the auto-payments didn't go through)... I was angry, initially, because I kept reminding him to deal with it; but forgot his intention was to end the service in Sept to avoid a drop out penalty - and of course, we've been a little busy (to understate it for effect) this summer, to remember something that was just a few lines on a bill we weren't getting anymore...

Oh... and what we've been through with the vehicles!! I didn't realize I needed a degree in interstate commerce to complete this transfer!!  :D

So yes, I agree with you 100% on your definition of what a bad day is! Managing those reactions is necessary for a good outcome, dealing with these kinds of things, I find. Not a guarantee, mind you - just very, very helpful.

So when's the celebration planned for????

:D
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #54 on: August 27, 2010, 05:17:24 PM »
Wow, I am glad I came here today.  I was finding myself really down today for the first time in a long while.  I had been exercising but not for the past few weeks - too hot.  Between than and being slightly under the weather for about 10 days I have begun really dragging.  But after reading your two posts I feel much more encouraged.  thank you for the perspective.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #55 on: September 02, 2010, 12:13:26 PM »
I have two brothers and two parents.  Each of my brothers have one son.

I get no phone calls about any activities in any of their lives.  My mother didn't call or notify me in August when two of her first counsins died.  I learned recently from my mother that my oldest nephew is in town for a couple of weeks before he returns to the west coast for his last year of college.

It is such a disappointment that my brother, sister-in-law and nephew have ZERO interest in being in touch with my young son.  Both of my nephews have no 1st cousins on their mothers' sides so my son and nephews are the only relatives in their generation and still my brothers, sisters-in-law and nephews have no interest in having even cursory relationships.

I cannot tell you how disappointing and painful this is.

When I saw my father a week ago, it drove home in a new way about how little he ever cared.  Not that I didn't already understand it but none-the-less it was driven home in a different way, a deeper level somehow.

I have dreams on a regular basis in which I am in the midst of people and I am totally dismissed, overlooked, tolerated at best.  It is such a wretched feeling.  But the real issue for me is that I am becoming aware that these dream images are how I live into this "identity" that I acquired in my family of origin.  I am so locked between an anger, a rage about this and a weaker determination to leave this identity behind. 

My anger is about injustice.  I recognize that part of me wants to rail and rage until I get attention of the "authorities" who will certainly come in to right the leaning ship.  It is a psychological place that I have been since early childhood.  Rationally I know that there is no authority that will come to the rescue, that in truth there is little justice.  I am so well aware of this that I find that I spend quite a bit of my parenting in teaching my own child how not to expect "justice" but to learn to control his own approach and attitude.  But my own dreams and my own psychological state tell me that I have not made that transformation myself.

I recognize that my well being depends on this transformation.

I am going to go back and reread Switch which I found to be a tranformational kind of book.
http://heathbrothers.com/switch/
Has anyone else here read it.  I found it to be fascinating.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #56 on: September 03, 2010, 09:39:14 AM »
Hi, friend!

Wow. I know just what you mean about that feeling in you that wants the authorities to take charge of this relationship situation and vindicate you... and set it "right". I think I've still got some of that (probably more than I'm aware of). But I've been working on it - trying to catch it "coming up" - and then my way of dealing with it, is to "talk it down from the ledge".

One thing that works for me personally, in this is: I have a "business personality" that I put on when working, just like the professional clothes. I have another, more intimate, personality that is "me" to my close friends and family and y'all here on the board. My "PHamily", as Hops coined. Since my old job was a cozy little nest of Ns (from one perspective), my business personality learned a lot of different ways of keeping me sane in the midst of what could be, at times, a maddening situation. Sort of like - and sometimes exactly like - that injustice felt about the loss of real relationships with parents and sibs.

Except that, in a business situation, I had fewer expectations of being respected, taken seriously, even listened to. I had to create the credibility, earn the respect, and maintain the trust relationships at work to get the results that I wanted. This is the grunt work of creating and maintaining healthy boundaries, I think. But it has a very beneficial unintended consequence, when I use this approach in my thoughts, feelings and dealings with my FOO. It helps protect me from my own expectations (and the hurt & loss when those expectations are inevitably shattered). Now, I think it's been a few years that I've been going through all the emotional processing of the realization that my expectations of FOO weren't at all based on reality. My expectations were based on what I wanted from them; what I thought they "should" be and how I felt I "should" be treated.

So much of what I've posted has been my coming to terms with the fantasy in those shoulds and my wants and reality. It's been about gradually accepting the reality, accepting & grieving the loss of the hopes & dreams in the fantasy, and also accepting the "Phamily" relationships I do have, as a real, close and satisfactory emotional "connection". Not chlld-parent relationship, mind you. I made that mistake early on and truth is, it's a minefield for me to navigate. So my boundaries are agreements made between equals; peers; that care very much for either other... and rather than letting myself seek out and try to fit someone into a "substitute mom" role... I try to do that for myself and will accept trading "mothering" of each other among my Phamily. Everyone gets turn when they need it!!

And over time... as the loss becomes an old scar... I wonder why I EVER expected what I did from these "broken" people in my FOO... and I'm just fine without having those kinds of relationships with people who share my DNA. My life is pretty full of other, really good relationships. I am blessed that way. And I'm an adult; sorta mature (won't ever claim "grownup" status!) and a grandma - I am just fine without my FOO... and truthfully, at this point?? Unless some great transformation happens to my brother, trying to support my old wishes for what I believe I missed out on or even having the old injustices righted, just isn't worth the drama and the energy. Life's too short to pursue what I now know I can't have... and Life's rich enough for me to be grateful, feel blessed and safe and happy... without it.

Hope you find your way there, too GS.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Gaining Strength

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #57 on: September 03, 2010, 10:59:21 AM »
That is so helpful PR.

As I read your post I understood that relationship work, whether professional or social or whatever, will require work on my part.  I have been looking for it to be smooth and frictionless - effortless - to just happen.  But as I read your words I saw my expectations in a new light.  One of the things I do to bring in a little money is tutor - high school math.  All of my students happen to be boys.  One of the common aspects is that they (my particular students) want this to be easy - effortless.  They, to a one, refuse to do the hard work, well actually, they refuse to do ANY work and they get angry because math requires them to be precise.  As I read, I saw that I have wanted relationships to be effortless and that is not the way it is going to be for me.  It matters not whether relationships are as effortless as they appear for others, for me, due in great part to the Nism of my original fishtank, that is the way it is and just as I truly hope for my students, that they will be willing to do the work, I see now that part of the key is the willingness on my part to do the hard work rather than bemoaning the fact that it takes work and is not effortless.  Time to accept the facts and move forward.  It could be as simple as that.

Thanks so much for your perspective.  I totallly get it.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #58 on: September 04, 2010, 10:49:20 AM »
Oh, I don't think relationships are natural and effortless for anyone! Somewhere along the way, the people who appear to have many of these relationships learned, absorbed, figured out what the "work" of a relationship consists of... and they practiced, made some mistakes and learned from them, etc until it became "natural" for them. This is a skill - just like being able to chop veggies really fast & accurately, like a chinese chef is a skill. Sure, I think the nature of our original "fishtank" (I like this!) makes a difference. And sure it's easier to connect with some people compared to others. Basically, I think when our fishtank taught us that relationships are dangerous and painful... our marvelously creative brains find all kinds of subtle, subconscious ways to help us avoid relationships... the "rationale" (or rationalization) being that this is a way to protect ourselves. But, when our fishtank repeats the the opposite and "proves" that relationships can be fun, supportive, caring... we seek out relationships more easily.

Another way to look at this, is to see how what we think/feel about ourselves influences that basic choice about relationships, too. I've been telling all my new neighbors that I'm a hermit... or I'm just not ready or too busy, to join the weekly activities groups that are a part of the full-time community here. I know I actively push people away. I know that it's not because I don't "like them"... it's more that I'm afraid they won't "like me" because I'm an inward, more self-sufficient type of person... and I don't need (literally - I don't need) that kind of group acceptance to be content and happy. It can even be overwhelming for me. My fishtank didn't provide this... and the few times I was even close to having and being comfortable with this... it didn't work out, because I don't know the "rules" (again, the fishtank experience). I'm a horrible hostess, because I get so anxious & perfectionistic I'm worn out and resentful by the time my guests get here. Hey - it was a big step for me to even accept offers of help from people who recognized what I was doing to myself and truly wanted to help me relax!!  :D I still struggle with this... there's some improvement.

Before I get too far off track, it's because I see myself as not being a natural at relationships... that my sneaky brain developed all these habits to keep myself at arm's length from having to even deal with them - on a personal, social level. This is my attachment style at work in the present, where it's just not relevant anymore. As adults, I can't see any reason for thinking that personal relationships are any different from "professional" relationships... for making that distinction of type. The process and necessary elements are the same in both, right? Maybe.... this just popped up in my brain... maybe this is one of those N-lie-misconceptions that we learn in that fishtank, that simply don't hold up as true, in the bright white light of analysis. The things that differ between personal/professional relationships are feelings - depth, intensity, and trust and mutuality - the give & take experience... and the location of boundaries. But NOT the basics.

HMMMMMM.

The most important part of my success at work was my ability to establish good relationships with a group of 300 faculty - involving communication, shared experiences, caring, and trust. I was very good at it, even with some "difficult" personality types. Rationally speaking - that's a disconnect between my personal/professional self-image. If I'm good at it in one setting... then there's no reason I can't do this in another, right?

Thanks for this turn in the topic, GS. I need to keep looking at this some more and will welcome further observations or thoughts on your experience with this, too.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Getting Stronger - Breaking through paralysis
« Reply #59 on: September 05, 2010, 03:40:48 PM »
Quote
part of the key is the willingness on my part to do the hard work rather than bemoaning the fact that it takes work and is not effortless.  Time to accept the facts and move forward.

Me, too, GS.

In my case...I'm lazy. Paralysis is comfortable in a perverse way.

xo

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."