NM drama update

[Ales2]

AHHH... those keeping track here is the latest in the saga that is m sad and wasted life:

Drama-mama made a partial deposit on 7/30 leaving me to call about the remainder which resulted in an unpleasant phone conversation at 9am this morning. I journaled about it and discovered the following about my own role in this BS.  I don't much care what she does anymore, just how I react to the BS.

1. I should have been proactive and called her at end of month.

2. I should have been straight with her about the situation -no job =no money = no discussion, not gone into details about it - thats irrelevant.

3. I should not have let her change the subject in our conversation. (She tried to tell me I was not being "honest" with her because I had lunch with a mutual friend and the friend mentioned it to her. Nothing to do with the subject at hand. I then asked her about running into my childhood friend last week at Sav-on...then she got defensive that I was checking up on her. ugh. such petty BS)

4. I should have asked her outright - are you trying to make me feel guilty? are you being truthful or are you manipulating the truth?

5. I also said two things I shouldn't have - not major, just stupid stuff.

6. I should have kept my composure. I didn't.

So there you have it...lessons learned for next time..... #1-4 are most important - then #5-6 will probably be easier.

And, of course, an hour after our confrontation I discover its PMS time... so the universe is never on my side with this... maybe #5 and 6 were effected by the pms more than I realize. Last nite, while in bed, I was having a panic attack about all this... ugh. Might be time for medication.

[Logy]

Ales,
Lessons we have all had to learn. 

1.  Proactive.  Yeah, I get that.  Been in that situation.
2.  Being straight.  I have always had a real problem with that.  After alot of thought I think it comes down to whenever I was straight, I suffered ridicule from the N's so gave it up for pretending.  Since that seems to be all they understand.  Since I have learned that, all my relationships are going SO much better.
3.  Focus!  I found when I interact with my Nmom I really, really need to focus.  Takes alot of energy.  The crazies will get you if you don't!
4.  This is a good skill to have.  Put their behavior back on them.  And sit back and watch them do the shuffle!
5.  Been there!
6.  Been there too!  But it gets easier with practice.

Getting it is a BIG leap forward.  Good for you!

[Ales2]

Logy thanks for the input. I guess until I had journaled it - I kept seeing her crap and not my own responsibilities (which were faulty to start with because many of my of my bad habits and coping skills in this situation were actually taught to me by her....so its like I'm preparing for battle with someone who in the past didn't let me bring my own sword (my own judgement and assertiveness) to the duel.  She's always been the one to disarm my weapon or back off and use guilt to disarm me... well, no more...

Now I kind of see myself winning the battles, without much effort, just by showing the sword exists...

 

[Logy]

Ales2,
You are exactly spot-on when you said bad habits and coping skills were taught to us by NM's.  From birth their teachings are all we know.   Unless you have significant people in your life who are not wrapped up in the N parents' ways, you are handicapped emotionally and socially.  It has taken many painful encounters with others to unlearn what I was taught.  I have heard alot of self-help books ridiculed by the media but reading a book about a problem I was having helped me get the skills I needed in order to function at work, in relationships.  Some of us really are starting with basics.

Your points were good for me for reflection.  Sadly, it really does feel like a battle, even when we have the sword.