I've taken a couple days now, and I feel like a more stable me is coming back to the surface. It is so difficult to describe this situation to people who have not experienced this type of personality from a parent (let alone two of them), and so, everyone here should know, how much I value your time, effort and input. I should probably be a bit better about offering a word of encouragement to others, and will try more going forward.
I was going to try to address everyone's replies individually but, there are so many facets to each message, that I dont know if I would be able without writing a REALLY long reply. I guess I should start by saying, I agree with every one of you. From Sela's analysis of the message itself, to the resounding feeling, that my father is simply incapable of communicating, and is also one who aims to "stuff it down and ignore it". As a child, that was his favorite position, when he would come home from a long day of work to find NM attacking me verbally or otherwise. He didnt care what she had done, or how badly she lied, his aim was to shut me up and keep me from speaking up or telling the truth of any situation, and to try to force me to just "take it" from her - no matter what. She would bold face lie to others in a room - and I would make eyes - and he would silently give me the eye back which meant "shut up - dont even think about speaking" - then nod his head and agree with her lies and exaggerations. I remember the endless discussions where he told me to "just let it roll off" of my back, like a duck. But regardless of the situation, if I did, speak, or stand up, he immediately labeled me as "angry" and "wrong" and flew off the handle to make sure I wouldn't venture there again.
He came from a southern family of 10 children, and my grandfather had been (in his younger years) a course father to his children. He joined the army at 19 and was sent to Vietnam to see a year and a half of combat.These two facts give me some clue as to his way of dealing with things - since both environments perpetuated that same MO. "shut up, ignore it, move on, etc." Later my NM reinforced it after they were married - she taught him to be silent. It was baked into the bread, so to speak. When a problem came along, instead of giving it an appropriate response, he annihilated the entire landscape to avoid the possibility of a confrontation.
I think that even a person who was on "good" terms with someone, having received this note, would not want to associate with the sender. If we were 50 miles apart before the note, I feel more like 1000 miles apart after reading it. How could ANYone or why would anyone want to reconcile with a family that speaks of them that way, or belittles and humiliates them so. A family that berates them and makes them feel like they have always been the blame for everything. A family that claims that they need mental help.
My parents have never once in my adult life given me the respect of being an adult, let alone that I am a father, a husband, a homeowner, and a hard working employee, etc. For them, from the youngest age I can remember, through my entire adulthood, others my own age have always been more desirable company, and more preferable to spend time with. Ive never been "one of the guys" with my father. From the time I was a kid, he "grouped" me with my mother (I used to think because she and I have similar dark features). During get-togethers, I was always with the women as a boy - he didnt want me in the room with the men - he didnt say it - but I felt it. As an adult, it did not change. I was too much "her", for him, perhaps. I knew that they had had marital problems after the war and almost split up - but then I came along and he had to remain. I have often wondered if he blames me for his marriage to my NM, and that at this point, it is so buried that he cant remember why he despises me so badly.
My parents claim to be evangelical Christians - a life I once lived in practice, although I am far more conservative these days. (I'm more of a deist now, really.) NM portrays the evangelical image to others, and although he would rather be at home with a beer, she drags him along to church. I wonder if anyone caught their reference to me being like Satan himself. In the bible, in Isaiah, there is the passage where Lucifer says the 5 "I wills" and is then cast out of heaven to begin his being as Satan. The part of my father's letter that asks me if I noticed how often I say "I will" refers to this. Ive even at one point been reminded by them that Satan means "The accuser", and to remember that (at the given time) I was acting like him. Lots of hidden imagery.
What is so difficult to understand, is the simplicity that should be evident. My wife and I received a note from my mother. We (you're right Phoenix we should not have expected..) wrote a simple note asking how she would feel if someone spoke to her this way. Then he treated us badly for months upon months, and I/we stood our ground. Now this. I have never once made a threat. Ive never once said I am "keeping the kids away". I have only said that I expect that if they want to be a family, for there to be an effort to "make it right". No picking the cherries. Nobody gets to treat me or my family that way, and just act like nothing happened.
But instead of making it right, it IS easier for them to pick the cherries that they think they can get, by going through my ex - to see my older children, and to forget myself, my wife, and my youngest.
Emails are bad. I agree. I had tried to derail the email train a while back by offering my mother to talk on the phone, but my father called Verizon and had a block put on her phone, so that I and my wife could not call NM or text her at that point, and we could only talk to him. I was so upset by that, that I tried to just forget it, and them, at the time. Then months later she decided to pick up with email again, and when I didnt go along with her demands, I received his email this week.
I know that there is nothing I could possibly say or do, that will make anything better at this point. That letter was like the last nail in the coffin. even if I could pry it open, I wouldnt want to, after that. I had a fantasy until now, that if we didn't talk anymore, perhaps he would "see the light" someday while convalescing in "tough guy hills" nursing home, but, a friend reminded me this week that I should let that go. He will not likely see the light, and he/they will never let themselves admit the truth of my upbringing, and who/what they truly are, and how they act.
I had him on such a pedestal when I was a kid, despite his behavior toward me, because I saw him as the "good guy' in comparison with my NM, and believed that he was going to save me from her madness far more often than he actually did. It was like the lottery effect - once in a blue moon, he would speak up on a small thing for me toward her, but 95% of the time, I was blamed and shamed. I was pulling the lever for years, because I thought there was a chance that the "good guy" was still in there. I was wrong.
This week I ordered "Children of the Self-Absorbed: A Grown-Up's Guide to Getting over Narcissistic Parents" and "Toxic Parents: Overcoming Their Hurtful Legacy and Reclaiming Your Life" Hopefully I can find some help there, and will immediately after look into purchasing "Healing Your Emotional Self".
Id love to say so much more, but my reply is already long.
I will say, that in the wake of reading that note, I immediately afterward sent a reply that said "Well, I guess this is the end then. Goodbye".
Now I have to swallow that, and accept it myself. I know its right.
Thank you all so much.
