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So sad -- broke off with best friend at work

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clara:
Hi,

Should warn you this is a stupid sob storry, but one that anyone married to a N could probably relate to.

Because I am in a lonely marriage to a self-absorbed, insensitive man, I guess I am vulnerable to getting into the fixes that I do with men.  Looking back, I have a little history of crossing boundaries with men at work -- I don't mean physically, but definitely emotionally.
Well, duh, as my kids would say, because my personal life is so void of affection.

Anyway, Ian was a very special friend. We met over a year ago and ended up talking to each other up to four times a day. Sure, always on the pretext of work to get us started, but the veneer was quite thin. It was clear that we were both lonely in our marriages, and I guess we thought that everything was safe between us, as long as we mentioned our spouses on occassion.

Over the past month, things start looking miserably hopeless (once again) with my marriage, and so N-husband and I go back onto the "going through a separation" merry-go-round, which we have done before but to no avail because of kids and how H threatenss to keep house and the kids.  Plus, I think it would be so awful to go through, I guess I chicken out.

At the same time, Ian starts phoning me more, calling me dear, telling me how much he likes me (Even "jokes" that he loves me), started disclosing very personal information, and told me important things that he had never told anyone before.

So warnig signals go off, because I am starting to really have feelings for Ian at this point, and am fantasizing that perhaps THIS time I can go through with separation from H since I could have Ian to fall back on.

Fortunataly, better judgement takes hold, and I start a talk with Ian, which actually took about three conversations.  My message to Ian was that since I am now going through a separation, he and I better stop our freindship since after all he is a married man and things are no longer as safe between us.

He was crying (as was I) and saying that he will absolutely honor my request, but it may not be necessary to distance ourselves because he doesn't believe in divorce and he really is happier in his marriage than he let on. So mayb, he suggested, we could go back to how things were.

I told him that despite what he now says, I believe that he is lonely in his marriage and I will still harbour unhealthy fantasies toward him that will only hurt me and so it's got to end. From now on at work it will be brief conversations only as absolutely necessary.

Morally I am good with what I have done. I am actually proud of how far I have "grown up" in accepting that people married to N's are driven to do stupid things to have their emotional needs met.

My problem is that I am so sad and lonely without Ian, as I am sure he is without me. I don't have anyone to talk to about this, because it is so bizarre, but thought you caring people would understand.  Ian and I trusted each other and talked about everything together -- our families, our pasts, our desires, as well as everything at work. We trusted each other with secrets. We had everything going that a great friendship would have and yet that neither of us could get in our own marriages.  

But then those darn romantic feelings crept in and ruined everything. And if my husband weren't so godXXX uncaring and N then I wouldn't have needed Ian in the first place. As I write this I am crying. God, I hate how being married to a N can ruin so much of our enjoyment in life.

Thanks for letting me vent.

Alan:
I hope i'm not stepping on toes or over a line.  Just bec. your N husband is threatening taking the kids and the house doesn't mean he can do it.

Talk to an attorney or some sort of women's center in regards to your situation. Some attys will have a free initial consultation.

I'm only guessing here, but maybe it's his threats that are pushing your buttons.  He can do whatever he wants but until you're served papers, the threats are empty, just like all Ns are.

Karin:
Clara, Clara, Clara,
I can relate to you because I also felt emotionally deprived (of course!) while my N was still around, but please don't jump out of the frying pan into the fire! For goodness sake, tidy up your unfinished business first before you start looking at someone else, simply because you'll probably end up in the same pickle (with another N that is!). This guy Ian might be great but you're hardly in a position to judge right now. Alan's right, find out the facts for yourself concerning your rights. I'm getting all sorts of threats at the moment re. money, property etc. The only one I'm listening to is my lawyer. Get the facts you need and make sure you know where you stand.
I found that as soon as I started to stand up for myself, I no longer felt any need to have someone else to lean on, (not that there was anyone else, but I wished that there was). I would like to have someone else eventually but not yet.
Take care.

clara:
Thanks Alan and Karin.  

Alan you are not stepping on toes at all. I appreciate your logical and caring advice in the wake of this utter turmoil.  I guess when H says that he will do these things, I just can't beleive what I am hearing. Ane yet a part of me beleives it very much because he is very well connected with the best lawyers and his whole entire life seems to be to "play to win." (He actually admitted that in our marriage therapy, but it was mainly to boast!!).  Anyway, our therapy has now officially turned the corner and will be focussed from now on on the seperation. This is such unchartered territory for me.

Karin, thank you so much for your honesty. I went to see my own therapist yesterday afternoon (er, a little emergency visit) and he said exactly what you said, almost verbatem.  Forget about Ian right now. And don't be afraid of my feelings of anger and sadness over the loss of my marriage.  Both my own therapist and the marriage therapist see that I am in a position of powerlessnes in this relationship.  God, how N's can cause so much pain in our lives.

Unfortunately Ian left me a voicemail this morning (before I got in) saying that he is sorry for contacting me again, but he just had to say that he would still like to continue with our personal chats, but if I still want out that's OK. Urgh!!!! Thank you Karin, for reminding me that I am in no postion to judge right now. Somehow this gives me permission to not have to "solve this one,"  a pattern that I think started with me long ago as the "caregiver" child in a large and highly dysfunctional family.

I think that the real problem that I got myself in with Ian was becoming so close while things were "safe" between us, not anticipating the fall when things changed. Oh, the complicated (and painful) webs we weave...

boybig01:
Im sorry......but 2 be absolutely honest.........YOU made a very huge mistake in cheating on ur husband by talkin' to and confiding in another man......The lord looks down on YOU with shame......for you should feel sorry for commiting such sin!!

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