Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

So sad -- broke off with best friend at work

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Alan:
Take it somewhere else.  Who are you to speak for the "Lord".  There are plenty of others on this site with better, kinder, and more intellegent  words from the Good Book.   If the Lord has a problem with any of us, he can speak to us directly.  Jerk.

Karin:
Take no notice of 'boybig01'. His name says it all really.

clara:
Thanks Karin and Alan, for jumping in. No offence taken from big boy's reply. I'm not religious and I don't feel any shame for my realtionship with Ian.  What I do feel intense shame for though is the demise of my marriage (that happened completely independend tof the Ian issue!!).  When I think of the kids, I just feel sick.  In manyways I wish I was religious, because then I would be clearer on what I can and cannot do in life. I might even be able to fool myself into thinking that my marriage was OK.  Well, life sucks when you get yourself hitched to someone you shouldn't have. Your damned if you do (split up) and you're damned if you don't, and I don't mean in a religious sense.

Acappella:
Hi Clara,

I Should warn you, this is a long post for which I am tempted to apologize for but I wont.   :oops: I have been voiceless and isolated for so long that perhaps I am over board now.  For now, this is an improvement for me so I hope you'll bare with me and better yet get something from it too.  I will likely break it up into segments, as it is ridiculously long.    :oops:

In short, what I writing about and got clearer about for myself while responding to your post is:  
Isolation vs. Connection
Isolation: how inner critics and our “friends” who place us on a lonely pedestal (we are the only ones who really know them, we are so great that they really, really need us but we are sooo strong and not needy that we can take it etc.) are part of what keeps us cut off and shut in away from the world.   VS
Connection on the other hand: Namely,“friendships” with peers that help us join in the world.  

INNER CRITIC
Ok, I am married to a man with N traits.   And, yes (as Karin said so susinctly...)"Clara, Clara, Clara" oh how I relate.  So, in defense of you and I both (and all associates),  l declare “Clara...yours is not a stupid story!”  If it is then so is mine.  :cry:  While I too feel stupid and ashamed and scared I am trying to apply compassion to those wounds.  Isn’t that inner critic the narcissist’s ally in the win loose, "play to win" view of relationships? News flash!  At the end of the day, the pawn and the King all go into the same box! Don’t ya just love that one!   :D No I didn’t make it up.  :cry:

CONNECTION
I am inspired too by your trust that there are kind voices here in this forum and you are undaunted by big boy’s dealing with what I imagine is fear with such an offensive attack strategy.  I am inspired too by Karin’s and Alan’s kind and strong support.

Nic’s recent post “news from Nic”, spoke of a recent victory regarding, ”their threats are not followed through with” as Alan noted.  

CONNECTION: why your “stupid” story isn’t stupid to me and why real, vulnerable honest connection saves lives……
Books are great and one can die of thirst reading about water.  (Yes, I made that one up.  :D And, I like it.  :D )  This real life, good, bad and the “stupid” communication on this forum is indispensable to me.  

I have heard/read the concept that we must change our minds to change our lives.  “I think therefore I am.”  I believe though that the mind is the servant of the heart (or at least a 50/50 partner).  While the mind can point in a proper, logical, recommended direction it is our whole being that must turn and look, really look and feel and believe, at least a little, the option before we can take it.  My mind can say exactly how a bicycle works.  However, until my behind it planted on the saddle and I am wobbling along down a perilous street I don’t really “know” how to ride a bike.  Moreover, until I feel a reason to ride I can know how a bike works or how one is ridden but not get on one to save my life, so to speak.  My point here is I feel it is our beliefs, which are not only products of thought, that we/I must change in order to change life.  It is our experience we, I must to change in order to have a different life experience.  IRONY! My mind is only part of that process.  Belief is much closer to experience than is thought.  Thoughts just stream by like ticker tape, flat, linear one-dimensional announcements; news flashes to which my heart and nerves reply “Duh!” I “knew” that, now give me something I can feel please!  However, reading about Nic's experience of change and a better alternative I gain a multidimensional feeling of what an alternative might really feel like.  Moreover, reading about the shared place we are in when we are stuck also helps me feel, experience the bridge between here and there.  Anyway, I am rambling and mean to just say thanks for sharing your experiences, all of you, the struggles and the triumphs, “stupid” and “smart”, your stories mean a lot to me.    It is like training wheels for the ride of my life.   :D

yep, that was just part of my response   :oops: .....i'm reining it in....for now.  :roll:  :D

Anonymous:
Hi Clara,
I know this is an old post.   I understand where you're coming from.  I was married to an N for years but didnt' know what he was.  I met a friend and her husband online.  She was distant but her husband told me
she needed a friend.  She said things that really hurt at times but I reasoned things out and her husband would assure me that I just "misunderstood her".  She would only talk to me online or in person... she was "scared" of talking on the phone but she could talk on the phone at work.  To her that was different...  So her husband would
talk to me on the phone.  I got close to both of them.  I put gas in her car.. I shopped for her dad...  Her husband helped my husband work on our house.  I got more and more attached to her husband.  Just talking to him online or on the phone... we only talked about the kids.. or musical instruments (his wife hated them)... He was the big brother I always wanted...  He didn't know how close I was starting to feel to him.  I didn't know either.  Then one day I got an email that we all had to talk... It seems my N husband had tried to get my friend in bed.  We thought we could get past it.  Her husband told my husband to stop emailing her, etc.
She told me she was going to stop....
She told me that after she thought about it she figured once my N left she could cheat on her husband with him. (didnt' work because a couple months later my N got on a plane to go to another woman).  He told me later that he figured my friend would never leave her husband....
My friend (N friend) had told her husband that he needed to change or
she was going to leave him.  He begged her not to leave... even told her that she "could go out and have her fun... but to just come back to him".
At one point she decided she needed to fix her marriage and she refused to talk to me for 3 months... her husband by this time knew how I felt about him and he stopped talking to me too.  Talk about hurt.
Her way of fixing their marriage was to embarrass him as much as possible... had him go from 210 lbs to 145 (the man is 6')...
he got a tattoo with her name in it only to be told he was stupid to get himself branded... it goes on and on....  that's another reason I can't be around them.. I can't stand seeing him like this.  When he's around her he acts like a whipped puppy running around her... funny that's how I acted around her too... I just didnt realize it at the time... my ex N has been gone for 3 years now.  I don't miss him a bit.  He's in prison now so his wife of one year is hurting....
I haven't seen my friends for 2 1/2 years....  except passing in the car..
She tries to reach me online at times... I got 17 emails from bluemountain from her on dec 24,25 and 26.  I guess she couldnt figure out why she didnt get notified that I read them... they were deleted....
It's been awhile ... I still miss her husband... at times I miss her but when I do I go back and read the emails from her... they aren't very nice...
They want to see my kids really bad... her husband especially.... he was like a father to them... she wants to see my kids....my kids hate her.
Their kids and her husband don't understand why we won't come around.. and that hurts too.  I was "aunt" to their kids.  I miss them too....
I want to be married again.. but the man I love is unavailable....
It doesnt make a difference if your a Christian or not....... it still hurts and it's still hard to figure out and deal with...
sorry this is so long.
-robyn

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