Help me, I don't want to be crazy too.

[MadLady]

Throughout this relationship with my husband, I have endured emotional trauma by means of belittlement, character assassination, chaos, lies, insults, exploitations of intimacy and with me and my needs being ignored. I am manipulated by my husbands illness.  He is a bi-polar narcissist with PTSD.  

He gambles, cheats, lies, and spends ALL the money. And then tries to tell me that *I* did it.  He wanted me to quit my job as a police officer.  I did. (In all fairness, I wasn't happy with my agency) So I quit.  Now he resents supporting me and my children (his steps).  I am hereby demanded to go back to work.  Seems my lack of employment cuts into the drinking/gambling/shopping fund.  

I am sooooo freaking confused, I don't think I could figure out how to sign a paycheck if I had one.  God, I hurt.  I want to leave soooo bad, but I am afraid I won't make it on my own.  Everytime I have thought about going back to work, something life altering keeps coming up that really have nothing to do with the husband.  Cancer...my father terminally ill,  my boys having to move back in, daughter going crazy too and a son with ADHD, and now a grandbaby.  Hell, in the matter of 6 weeks, I was diagnosed with a dreadful tumor (which *did* turn out benign) my father died, my kids father was sent to Afghanistan, my grandaughter was born and my bi-polar husband has cycled twice. The only person in our family who does not have any mental trouble, of course, is the husband.  The rest of us are messed up.  

There is nothing like a bipolar who is a narcissist.  I really wasn't crazy when all this started.  I can't even make simple decisions or retain any type of short term memory.  My self-esteem is zilch and I want to leave but can't seem to do it.  This is my first home in 20 years and I don't want to leave it.   WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Dammit. Why can't I at least do right by my children.

I know I need counseling but can't seem to find the ambition to dial the number. The only reason I seem to get out of bed in the morning is to get away from him.

Please, someone point me in the right direction.  Where does the inspiration come from when you no longer have yourself?

[Moonflower]

......

[Anonymous]

Throughout this relationship with my husband, I have endured emotional trauma by means of belittlement, character assassination, chaos, lies, insults, exploitations of intimacy and with me and my needs being ignored. I am manipulated by my husbands illness.  He is a bi-polar narcissist with PTSD.  

Quite a handful I imagine. Why stay?

He gambles, cheats, lies, and spends ALL the money. And then tries to tell me that *I* did it.  He wanted me to quit my job as a police officer.  I did. (In all fairness, I wasn't happy with my agency) So I quit.  Now he resents supporting me and my children (his steps).  I am hereby demanded to go back to work.  Seems my lack of employment cuts into the drinking/gambling/shopping fund.  

Why don't you get off your sorry ass and go back to work and boot his sorry ass out.

I am sooooo freaking confused, I don't think I could figure out how to sign a paycheck if I had one.  God, I hurt.  

You were a police officer you say???? Then you've seen this a thousand times. Of course you can sign for a pay check. Knock it off.

I want to leave soooo bad, but I am afraid I won't make it on my own.  

Of course you will. Once again, knock it off.

Everytime I have thought about going back to work, something life altering keeps coming up that really have nothing to do with the husband.  Cancer...my father terminally ill,  my boys having to move back in, daughter going crazy too and a son with ADHD, and now a grandbaby.  Hell, in the matter of 6 weeks, I was diagnosed with a dreadful tumor (which *did* turn out benign) my father died, my kids father was sent to Afghanistan, my grandaughter was born and my bi-polar husband has cycled twice. The only person in our family who does not have any mental trouble, of course, is the husband.  The rest of us are messed up.  

Go back to work. Life carries on. People get sick. It's not the end of the world to have to get a job you know? Lots of us ahve to do it. Regain your independence fro cripes sake. It'll do you the world of good. You can't move on till you take control , and it sounds to me like
you need to gain control of your own finances.

There is nothing like a bipolar who is a narcissist.

Yes there is. How about a sociopath who is a narcisisst? or a psychopath who is a narcissist. Manic depressives come in all shapes an sizes. So do N's. Some very famous and successful ones were also bi-polar narcisissts. Samuel Johnson comes to mind. This is not the worst thing person can be.

I really wasn't crazy when all this started.  I can't even make simple decisions or retain any type of short term memory.  My self-esteem is zilch and I want to leave but can't seem to do it.  This is my first home in 20 years and I don't want to leave it.   WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Dammit. Why can't I at least do right by my children.

Beats me? I'm hearing a lot of self pity in you and it's pathetic. I feel for your kids more than I feel for you. Yes I feel for you too, but I won't encourage your self-pity. You're doing enough of that for the both of us. Woman, listen to me. You have a responsibility to your children, They're not his children, so he doesn't you do!! So get off your sorry ass and do it! For your children's sake. Or are you going to teach them how to grow up to be victims just like you. Why not show them how to not be a victim anymore. Join the hundreds and thousands of woman who are choosing life and freedom. And are happy to go to work for it.

I know I need counseling but can't seem to find the ambition to dial the number. The only reason I seem to get out of bed in the morning is to get away from him.

Pathetic. Why are you still sleeping with him? Get some self-respect woman! Get out of that bed. get him out of that bed. Both of you, get out of that bed!!!!

Please, someone point me in the right direction.  Where does the inspiration come from when you no longer have yourself?

Now     I am completely disgusted with you at this point. You are a woman, and are blessed and fortunate enough to have had children. And you even dare to ask this question. Shame shame shame on you !
 

Hermoine

[MadLady]

your sorry ass and go back to work ....Knock it off......self pity in you and it's pathetic.......I am completely disgusted with you.....Shame shame shame on you ....Pathetic. Get some self-respect woman!

Are you my husband?  You sound just like him.  Are you narcissistic too?  Running out of victims, perhaps?

I am not sorry and I don't appreciate the name calling.   I am confused, mentally paralized at times.  Psychologically injured, I know. But I WILL BE OKAY.  I can hurt, I can be sad and I *can* feel sorry for myself.  I don't need your permission.  

Feeling sorry for ones self can help to accomplish great things as long as one doesn't wallow in it.    And I haven't wallowed.  I am reaching out for help.  I am doing *all* I know to do to get myself better, stronger, and healthier; both mentally and physically.

Shame is one of the things that got me into this mess.  A play on intimate moments when I thought my deepest feelings and the confessions of past mistakes could be trusted with my spouse.  The subtle use of these feeling in the hand of a calculating narcissist produce guilt.  Guilt.....shameful.  Thanks for trying sending more but you were unsuccessful.

Pathetic is when one, who is arriving at the breaking point,  reaches out for help and is cut down further. I am reaching for help, the first step in recovery, and do not need to be berated any further.

psychopath who is a narcissist.

Yeah, did I forget to mention that he was diagnosed with that too.   Things can *always* be worse. In the words of the counselor he is "a fragmented and broken soul".  Narcissism, PTSD, Bi-polar, psychotic, anti-social, with homocidal tendencies, per the US Army psych dept. Oh, and by the way, I have, during our marriage,  learned about how he stalked and tried to kill his ex-wife and her boyfriend.  Cops get scared too.

You know, everyone's worst experience is more intense to themselves than another.  The feelings are equivilant to any other persons worst feelings.  A divorce could rattle the soul of one who has never been through anything traumatic where as others can just shrug it off.  If a rose is a rose then horrible is horrible.

The daily life with a narcissist is traumatizing enough.  Now, throw in some castastrophic events, it kinda piles up.  "I try to take one day at a time but lately several of them have ganged up on me."

If I want to be cut down, I'll go chat with my husband.  People like you make me wonder why I even bother reaching out.  Spare me the pseudo-intellectual BS.  If life was so grand and easy for you, you'd probably not be posting on this board.

[MadLady]

Thank you so much for your kinds words.  I so needed to hear a few.  Wow! A Houston cop.  You had your hands full.  I am from Houston originally. I've been thinking about moving back down, around Brenham or Katy.  Would you happen to know about lateral transfers and cross state certifications there?   I'm too old to get through academy again.  LOL.

Anyway, Hubby wanted me to quit because it was stressful and when I came home I "made everybody miserable".

I am curious to know that if a narcissist does not like authority, why do you think they are attracted to leaders and authority figures?    

Y

our husband is grinding you under his heel. By making you quit your job, he has taken away part of your self esteem, and the rest, he is chipping away at.

It is obvious to me that I am not ready to leave at this time, otherwise I would have already done that.  I know I will be here until my father's house in TX sells.   Can you give me a few pointers on maintaining my personal boundaries and effective ways to rebuild self-esteem while I am waiting?  

Narcissist's are masters at turning the blame onto others, and will never admit anything is their fault. He is sucking away your soul. This is not your fault.

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words.  Aside from leaving, which is not an option at this time, are there techniques to prevent this from happening?  

find a good therapist you can feel comfortable with.

What do I look for in this person?  Is there a difference between a counselor and and a therapist?

Once again, thank you for your kind words, compassion, and understanding.  I can see you know *exactly* where I am coming from.  I'll bet you are a very remarkable person.  Love, well wishes, and good vibes to you.

MadLady.

[Anonymous]

Quote:

Throughout this relationship with my husband, I have endured emotional trauma by means of belittlement, character assassination, chaos, lies, insults, exploitations of intimacy and with me and my needs being ignored. I am manipulated by my husbands illness. He is a bi-polar narcissist with PTSD.  

Quite a handful I imagine. Why stay?

Quote:
He gambles, cheats, lies, and spends ALL the money. And then tries to tell me that *I* did it. He wanted me to quit my job as a police officer. I did. (In all fairness, I wasn't happy with my agency) So I quit. Now he resents supporting me and my children (his steps). I am hereby demanded to go back to work. Seems my lack of employment cuts into the drinking/gambling/shopping fund.  
Why don't you get off your sorry ass and go back to work and boot his sorry ass out.

Quote:
I am sooooo freaking confused, I don't think I could figure out how to sign a paycheck if I had one. God, I hurt.  

You were a police officer you say???? Then you've seen this a thousand times. Of course you can sign for a pay check. Knock it off.

Quote:
I want to leave soooo bad, but I am afraid I won't make it on my own.  
Of course you will. Once again, knock it off.

Quote:
Everytime I have thought about going back to work, something life altering keeps coming up that really have nothing to do with the husband. Cancer...my father terminally ill, my boys having to move back in, daughter going crazy too and a son with ADHD, and now a grandbaby. Hell, in the matter of 6 weeks, I was diagnosed with a dreadful tumor (which *did* turn out benign) my father died, my kids father was sent to Afghanistan, my grandaughter was born and my bi-polar husband has cycled twice. The only person in our family who does not have any mental trouble, of course, is the husband. The rest of us are messed up.  
Go back to work. Life carries on. People get sick. It's not the end of the world to have to get a job you know? Lots of us ahve to do it. Regain your independence fro cripes sake. It'll do you the world of good. You can't move on till you take control , and it sounds to me like
you need to gain control of your own finances.

Quote:
There is nothing like a bipolar who is a narcissist.  

Yes there is. How about a sociopath who is a narcisisst? or a psychopath who is a narcissist. Manic depressives come in all shapes an sizes. So do N's. Some very famous and successful ones were also bi-polar narcisissts. Samuel Johnson comes to mind. This is not the worst thing person can be.

Quote:
I really wasn't crazy when all this started. I can't even make simple decisions or retain any type of short term memory. My self-esteem is zilch and I want to leave but can't seem to do it. This is my first home in 20 years and I don't want to leave it. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Dammit. Why can't I at least do right by my children.
 
Beats me? I'm hearing a lot of self pity in you and it's pathetic. I feel for your kids more than I feel for you. Yes I feel for you too, but I won't encourage your self-pity. You're doing enough of that for the both of us. Woman, listen to me. You have a responsibility to your children, They're not his children, so he doesn't you do!! So get off your sorry ass and do it! For your children's sake. Or are you going to teach them how to grow up to be victims just like you. Why not show them how to not be a victim anymore. Join the hundreds and thousands of woman who are choosing life and freedom. And are happy to go to work for it.

Quote:
I know I need counseling but can't seem to find the ambition to dial the number. The only reason I seem to get out of bed in the morning is to get away from him.

Pathetic. Why are you still sleeping with him? Get some self-respect woman! Get out of that bed. get him out of that bed. Both of you, get out of that bed!!!!

Quote:
Please, someone point me in the right direction. Where does the inspiration come from when you no longer have yourself?
 
Now   I am completely disgusted with you at this point. You are a woman, and are blessed and fortunate enough to have had children. And you even dare to ask this question. Shame shame shame on you  !


Hermoine

Well, I am completely disgusted with you Hermoine.  This board is here to help people find the right direction, and give them the support to begin movement.  Sometimes it only begins with a few baby steps, especially if the woman is so emotionally battered and is in a deep depression.  

At we may need to remind another member to just get a grip, but it doesn't have to be put forth so nastily.  So who is the N here?  -points you you-  Sometimes that person needs help to become a little stronger so her grip doesn't loosen and put her back lower than she was before.    

So Hermoine, if you dont want to be helpful here on this board......just STFU.   Don't bother to respond, as I do not read negative posts from Trolls.  


MadLady, I suggest you never read any post that comes across negative.  It's not worth the effort.

[bunny]

MadLady,

My feedback in short....

--- You are not ready to leave your husband now therefore you need help in living with him.

--- There are ways to deal with emotionally abusive, crazy people. It's not easy, it's not fun. You will spend your entire time managing the relationship. But that's what you need to do right now as you are living with him. There's no easy way to resolve this other than finding ways to live in the situation.

--- I just went on amazon.com and saw a book called "How to deal with emotionally explosive people" by Albert J. Bernstein. It was given high reviews and you can buy it for 80 cents used. I'm sure there are other books as well.

--- A counselor is generally geared toward finding external solutions to the problem; a therapist is usually geared toward self-exploration and change.


bunny

[MadLady]

Thank you for your input. Your  feedback is greatly appreciated.  I am going to look for that book.  

I contacted a therapist today and have an appointment in a couple of weeks.  Thank you again.

Chaille,
The Mad Lady.

[Anonymous]

Hi MadLady,

HPD does accept lateral transfers, as long as you have worked in law enforcement within the last two years and still hold your commission.  I am not sure about the other smaller departments.  I don't blame you for not wanting to go through an academy.  I was 20 when I went through, and thought it was gonna kill me.     It is best to join a larger department.  Besides better pay and benefits, you will have many options of divisions and locations you might want to work.   Some positions, like riding the streets, are far more stressful than others.   The less stress, the less likely you will bring your work home to your family.  

Narcissists are totally and inflexibly authoritarian.  They want to be the ones calling the shots.  Some will totally suck up to authoritarian figures, only for gain and to increase their own status.  I've read that others, and I can't remember from what book, do not like authority...like small children, not wanting to be told what to do.   You make a traffic stop on a narcissist, I guarantee he will give you more trouble than a regular person ever would, and complain on you to boot.  

Until you are in a better position to leave, you have to make yourself healthier and stronger.  That way you will be less likely to fall back into the same old traps.  Get a good job with a steady paycheck so you can take care of yourself and children.  I am glad you found a therapist.

Can you give me a few pointers on maintaining my personal boundaries and effective ways to rebuild self-esteem while I am waiting?

The way I have maintained my personal boundries with the narcissist in my life, my mother, was to totally sever all ties.  I know it won't be that easy with a spouse, so maybe some of the others here can give you a few pointers.  Here is a list of books that this site recommends:

http://www.voicelessness.com/readinglist.htm

Good luck to you, and pay no mind to rude posters.  Most folks here are really kind and helpful, and the ones who aren't,  just pay them no mind.  

Moonflower