are there people here who have gone NC with their n-parent?

[GeorgiaPeach]

Hello, I am new the forum, but have read through the archived posts.

I have an abusive (physical/emotional) N-parent and have been No Contact for a number of years now.

I have some issues I am now dealing with, repercussions from my decision to go No Contact, and
would like to discuss those with others who have also cut contact.

Hopefully there are a few of those here.

I do not regret my decision in any way. I needed to do it to preserve my own sanity.

But its not something I can really discuss with anyone as its quite rare to have to cut contact with a parent
and many in our culture are very quick to judge someone who has done that without understanding what
led up to it.

Thanks!
GeorgiaPeach

[JustKathy]

Hi GeorgiaPeach! I am also NC with my N mother, for about six years now. It was the most difficult decision I've ever had to make, but I'll tell you, I would do it again in a heartbeat. It was absolutely the right thing to do for my physical and mental well being.

As you are probably finding out, Ns do not accept No Contact without a fight. My mother turned everything up a notch, doing whatever she could to get to me, and to hurt me. When I didn't respond, she went after my husband and tried to turn HIM against me. She finally had me removed from their will as her ultimate act of revenge (I guess that falls under the category of repercussions). I really struggled with all of this at first, but it's getting easier as time goes by. The older I get (I'm now 50), the more I'm able to put it all in perspective and see that I am happier without my family and the pain that they caused me. In looking back at the abuse they inflicted on me, well, I just don't care about any of them any more.

I agree with Guest that no one here is going to judge you. We are all victims here, all in the same boat, more or less. Please feel free to speak your mind. The people here are incredibly helpful and understanding. If not for this board, I would be in a far worse place right now. The people here have shared their stories and helped to me see that I am not alone. Yes, people on the "outside" do judge, but you're among friends here. Welcome.

Kathy

[sKePTiKal]

Hi GeorgiaPeach...

you haven't said yet what about NC is of concern for you; can you elaborate? You are among friends who understand a lot of the thoughts & feelings surrounding that issue. And when we don't understand, we'll come back at ya with a gentle question to get clarity.

What's buggin' ya?

[GeorgiaPeach]

hello and thank you for replying to my thread! I had a feeling there had to be some people who were NC hanging around here.

I find that people who are dealing with an N in their life and have not gone NC are facing very different issues than those who have gone NC. So I feel like I need to "talk" to those folks who are NC.

One of the issues I am struggling with is that even though my intense fear of my N-parent is gone (thanks to several years of therapy, EMDR, lots of self-help books, etc), I still have no desire to have any contact with them. I used to feel terrified of them, even when I was an adult. But thankfully those feelings are gone.

I never felt a bond with my N-parent. They were so cold and emotionless that I truly believe as an infant and baby, I did not have a proper bond with them.

So once I healed from all the negative feelings from the abuse, there was nothing underneath. Just a sense of detachment.

My N-parent is also very emotionally invasive. Its hard to describe. Its like I feel they can see right through me and invade me. That sounds crazy as I read it back, but I believe its because, from birth, they never respected my boundaries, so I grew up feeling like I had none in relation to this person. So today, when they still make efforts to contact me, I feel invaded by this, even though we have not spoken for more than 7 years. I don't want this person to know anything about me. It feels like they want something from me. Its always about them and their feelings. So now, after all these years, if they try to contact me, its not because they truly care about me, its because they want to be validated, etc. in some way.

There are some other issues, but I will save those for now.

I hope others will share their experiences, it is very helpful to discuss this with people who can relate, because I think those of us who have gone NC with a parent are in a very small minority in the world.

GeorgiaPeach

[JustKathy]

You are NC with the person they are now. Maybe thinking that helps?

Perfectly stated. That's something that I had to learn to understand before I could really let go and not care anymore. My NM displayed N characteristics from as early as I can remember, may age four or five. But at that age, it was hurtful, not crippling. Things got progressively worse as I grew older, and M became more and more cruel and manipulative with every year. By the time I went NC, I was curled up in a corner screaming and crying for release. She went from a bad mother to a mentally ill individual whose only purpose in life was to plot and scheme ways to hurt me. This person was a monster, and I had to tell myself exactly that. She was not my mother anymore. She was a MONSTER.

I hope I'm making sense, but I agree with Guest that the person I am NC with is not the same person she once was (not that she was ever good, but a little better, anyway). When I first went NC, I had mixed emotions about walking away from my mother. But after six years of therapy and soul searching, I no longer see her as my mother. My mother is dead, gone, nonexistent. She's like a piece of tree bark. Empty. Nothing. An object. Something that is impossible for me to care about.

Kathy

[JustKathy]

My N-parent is also very emotionally invasive. Its hard to describe. Its like I feel they can see right through me and invade me.

I understand EXACTLY what you mean by this. I feel the same thing. Even now that I'm NC, I still feel like they can see through me. Every time the phone rings, and I see their number on my caller ID, I feel invaded, even though I never answer the phone. I'm not sure if that feeling will ever go away. My mother also began invading my boundaries when I was very young, so that was my "normal." My NM is allegedly dying of cancer (what I've been told, anyway, though I'm not sure if she's really sick or faking it). I'm curious how I will feel if/when she does die . . . if I will feel free, or if I will always feel her presence, and feel that she is watching me and looking through me. Like you said, it's a very hard feeling to describe, but I think I get what you're saying.

K

[GeorgiaPeach]

I'm curious how I will feel if/when she does die . . . if I will feel free, or if I will always feel her presence, and feel that she is watching me and looking through me. Like you said, it's a very hard feeling to describe, but I think I get what you're saying.

K

JustKathy, its so interesting that you wrote you wonder how you will feel when she dies. I have reflected on that quite a bit as well. A number of years ago I used to think I would feel like she is still watching me, even after her death. But it has shifted since then. I have spent time imagining that I am notified that she has died. The feeling I have is one of peace. Like she can't get me or hurt me anymore. I feel free. So I am pretty sure that is what will happen.

I grieved the mother I never had many year ago. So in a way she has been dead to me for years. I don't think I will feel any grief when she is actually dead. Maybe some feeling of sorrow for her that she had to live such an unhappy life. But not any sorrow for myself.

[GeorgiaPeach]

I will tell you all what still keeps me "hooked" in a small way in this situation - my siblings.

I can tell you honestly 100% that if I was an only child, I would be able to detach completely.

But the fact that I went NC has affected my siblings - they have sided with her and so I have lost those relationships as well.

I also know for a fact that my momster tells my siblings and everyone on her side of the family bad things about me - she has created this story about who I am in order to make herself look better. None of them know the real reason I cut her off- they don't know about the years of horrible abuse she did to me behind closed doors. She is super fake and puts on a front to everyone. So I have lost every relationship that she is a part of. None of those people call me, and they talk badly about me.

And its easy to say I shouldn't care, but its painful to have lost relationships and to know that I have been slandered for years. That I am seen as the "bad" "screwed up" one in the family.

I had to cut her out of my life, but the fallout is that I lost everyone who is connected to her.

[BonesMS]

I will tell you all what still keeps me "hooked" in a small way in this situation - my siblings.

I can tell you honestly 100% that if I was an only child, I would be able to detach completely.

But the fact that I went NC has affected my siblings - they have sided with her and so I have lost those relationships as well.

I also know for a fact that my momster tells my siblings and everyone on her side of the family bad things about me - she has created this story about who I am in order to make herself look better. None of them know the real reason I cut her off- they don't know about the years of horrible abuse she did to me behind closed doors. She is super fake and puts on a front to everyone. So I have lost every relationship that she is a part of. None of those people call me, and they talk badly about me.

And its easy to say I shouldn't care, but its painful to have lost relationships and to know that I have been slandered for years. That I am seen as the "bad" "screwed up" one in the family.

I had to cut her out of my life, but the fallout is that I lost everyone who is connected to her.

I know how painful that is, especially being slandered by the NWomb-Donor, to the extent that anyone connected with her attempts to perpetuate her abuse on her behalf.  Even though my NWomb-Donor is dead, I've had to go NC with my NFOO because they attempted to pick up where she left off and I refused to accept their abuse.  My feeling is that if that is what they choose to believe and do, then I don't need to have their abuse in my life at all.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Georgia,

I hear ya on the pain re: your sibling relationships. Like Kathy, Caller ID is my friend when it comes to my mom. With my mom, I only go NC, when she's on a delusional tirade; the rest of the time I'm LC - limited contact and for a very selfish reason: I lower the level of guilt I feel when I have the time to listen to her repeat the "same old song" and the truth is, I'm only partly listening to her and only replying "uh-huh" and "yeah" as required. That is the sum total of our relationship; once in a blue moon she asks me a question about me. It might be pathetic to hang on for those, as rare as they are - and I always regret answering with real info, because that's the "trap" that brings on her criticism and judgement; like she simply can't help herself. Again, that's the compromise I've chosen for myself - who knows if it's right/wrong?? But it does work for me. I still fear the intrusiveness you mentioned; she still thinks she can "tell" me what I'm thinking/feeling - but I've also worked a lot on my "inner force field" so that stuff bounces off most of the time. It's as if an acquaintance is passing along a rumor they heard about me; I can laugh that off more often now.

With my brother (only other sib) I simply can't go NC; I would if I could - even tho' I still want to ask him what he did with my "real" little brother; we inherited a business among other things. His "knowledge" of who I am, his concept of me, has been pretty heavily influenced by my mom - she lives with him. I have remembered the trauma we lived through - alone together; he hasn't. I have gone through therapy and continue working on myself... so that I can protect myself in the interactions I must have with bro and so that I don't inadvertantly play into old FOO patterns. It's always dicey and dangerous; I don't always get it right. Over the past couple years I have noticed a bit of mom's Jekyll/Hyde traits in him and I have stuck my foot into some nasty bear traps of his. That's because I'm expecting him to be what he is not. He might someday work through his issues. He might not. I am not his mother; nor his therapist. All I can do, really - is manage my expectations (and maybe wishes) about who he is in reality - and deal with him exactly as I would any other difficult person I encountered in business or social life. Any other level of relationship has to come from his initiative, honesty, and openness. Sincerity. Then I can respond likewise.

There are people in the world who aren't bothered by Ns, or broken, manipulative people in the world. The "evil ones" simply don't go away and there really isn't any way to live a normal life without encountering them - somewhere. So, what I've decided to try to learn is whatever it is, that makes some people immune to them. I've learned a lot about interacting with them (Nboss situation had a silver lining) and I'm starting to work on the inner part of me: that force field I mentioned above. So that emotionally, I can still be genuinely "me" - but I'm no longer "hurt"; I'm immune sort of - to the impossible conditions of relationship required by "those kinds of people".

The hurt isn't nearly as intense, I find, when I adjust my expectations of my brother from "what I want" to "what is". And there are so many other people in this world to have meaningful relationships with - one of our other members (Hopalong) coined the phrase "Phamily" for these people. Kurt Vonnegut used "Korass" (sp?). I get the emotional connection, nurturing, validation, etc that I need from other people and expect it much less than I used to, from my own bio-family. And I don't have to walk the dangerous minefield, on eggshells, or tightrope to make this connection. On the contrary - it's very easy. (once I relax!!) 

Maybe some of these ideas will help.

[JustKathy]

I also know for a fact that my momster tells my siblings and everyone on her side of the family bad things about me - she has created this story about who I am in order to make herself look better. None of them know the real reason I cut her off- they don't know about the years of horrible abuse she did to me behind closed doors. She is super fake and puts on a front to everyone. So I have lost every relationship that she is a part of. None of those people call me, and they talk badly about me.

Wow! This is EXACTLY the problem I had going NC. I was worried about the rest of my family: my sister, brother, and father. At first I felt badly, that they would be hurt and not understand the reasons why. Then everything changed. NM started a smear campaign against me, and they all bought it. But as time goes by, I'm able to see that there was no other way this could go. All three of them are completely co-dependent and do whatever she tells them to, believes whatever she says.

After talking to a therapist about this, I was able to come to grips with the fact that it was simply destined to go down this way. Even when I was in full contact, my sister would not call me or email me without NM's permission, and my brother, the golden child, would only talk to me during the holidays when I brought him gifts. My father, who I wanted to believe loved me, turned out to be as wicked as she was, and removed me from the will on M's insistence. None of them ever really loved me. They belong to M, and always will. Even after she dies, they will continue to live for her, and do as she wanted them to do. If my sister has been ordered to never speak to me again, she won't, whether M is alive or not. It's a sad, messed up, dysfunctional family, and even though I do love my siblings and father, I've finally accepted that they're simply mindless puppets who will never change. I have to let them go too. That said, it isn't easy. But they're brainwashed, and that will never change.

The only exception here are NM's siblings (my aunts and uncles). They grew up with her, and they know that something is "off" with her. I'm currently writing a memoir of sorts, to document what she did to me. Perhaps when NM is gone, I can give this to some of those aunts and uncles, and they'll understand. The siblings are a lost cause, though.

[Hopalong]

Hi Peach,
I can relate to this not because of Nmother (I did the Cinderella thing w/her for a decade until her death, good and bad...but she was not overtly abusive, just very maNipulative). But I am now NC forever with an abusive and pathological Nbrother, who slandered me viciously with incredible energy--even sending nasty material to elderly aunts and uncles, which scared them right out of my life too. That part was hard to forgive.

...its easy to say I shouldn't care, but its painful to have lost relationships and to know that I have been slandered for years. That I am seen as the "bad" "screwed up" one in the family.

I had to cut her out of my life, but the fallout is that I lost everyone who is connected to her.

Phamily is filling in those gaps. Fortunately for me, there wasn't a lot of contact in the first place. I love my nephews and niece but the truth is, don't particularly LIKE them (except one). I do miss knowing there's nuclear family for me somewhere, but PHamily (chosen community, in my case a UU church I am glued to, and real friends, including a few here) are golden. I am loved, and ultimately, I have been able to release the belief that it has to be bio-love to count.

But. When we do have to interact, or contact, or work with, severe Ns -- as PR says, they're behind every bush--what helps me, really very seriously, is when I gradually change my thinking to react to them as an animal. Not in the sense of "I am human and superior to this person who is only an animal". Not that way. But in the respectful way that I recognize that this particular species, while having its own unique strengths and beauty, is erratic and dangerous.

Makes one a bit of a lion tamer, but what I mean is--if I ever had to interact with my Nbrother again in future, I now know that he is literally a tiger. So, I would be mentally prepared with a strong fence between my self and him. (Do zookeepers let the tigers out on Tuesdays and Saturdays and keep them contained the other days?) I would regard his purring OR roaring as the unique sounds that this species makes. I would always be aware of where he was and never turn my back. I would recognize the crouch and twitch of tail as signs of a leap. I would never, ever, emotionally turn my back. For that matter, NC amounts to never entering the enclosure anyway. (In my case, if I had to, it would be accompanied by armed, trained keepers--as in attorneys.)

So even though he is a tiger, I can still be safe. Other Ns in my life are perhaps rhiNos or hyeNas, and some are only dangerous at times, and at other times diverting, temporary company.

The know-the-species thing helps me: 1) reduce my feelings of contempt, which sicken me, and 2) give me internal harmony.

I can still recognize their life, their value as human beings...while never forgetting which kind of animal they are to me. I am not a fleet beast, but I am a smart one.

So are you.

Sorry if this rambled around your topic but thank you for the thread.

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Georgia,

What you have described is virtually the same situation that I am in, although I have to admit that I don't feel too bothered about the rest of my family any more.

I'm one of six, and then obviously there's extended family on either side.  My real dad is dead (I truly wish he wasn't; I was young when he died but from what I remember he's been the only person in my life who cared about me) and my mum re-married when I was 11.

My mum started bad mouthing me when I first started pulling away from her.  I now know the term is Low Contact, but at the time I knew nothing of that sort of terminology (or NPD) and I just knew that she was driving me crazy and I needed to spend less time with her.  The more I displeased her, the further she racked up the malicious gossip and false allegations.  Eventually, I realised the reason I was having so many problems getting anyone to help my disabled son was because my mum was telling everyone that I was a violent, abusive mother with an untreated psychiatric disorder and that my son's problems (he's autistic) were the result of neglect and abuse (interestingly, my mum is violent, abusive, has an untreated psychiatric disorder and the professionals I work with feel that I am suffering from PTSD as a result of the abuse I experienced - it seems she recognises the problem but attributes it to the wrong person!).  Children's Services tried to put my son on the at risk register because of the allegations she made and I have had problems with various agencies for years.  When I found out what she'd been doing (about four years ago now) I simply stopped contacting her.  She's never tried to contact me since, but she wrote to my son every week until I threatened her with an injunction, at which point she stopped.

I have an older brother who left when I was 7 and never came back - wise move on his part, I think.  I have an older sister who I adore and who is currently sleeping in my spare bedroom.  I have another brother who I have a brief chat with if I bump into from time to time and two younger sisters who both write messages and comments on Facebook about me (grow up ladies, you're both mothers and in your thirties).  None of my extended family have ever tried to contact me or shown any kind of support.  If my mum drives past us she will screech at my son as she goes by.  She used to accost friends of mine in the street demanding to know where I was and what I was doing but eventually gave up because they refused to tell her anything.

I think what's bothered me so much in the past is the unfairness of it and the voicelessness (to coin a phrase!) of it all.  No-one wanted to know my side of the story or even cared enough to send a quick email.  Even if my mum's claims were true, I don't think it would have killed anybody to send a couple of lines saying "hope you're okay, let me know if I can help at all".  But eventually it stopped bothering me and I'm not really sure why.  Perhaps time is a healer?  I still get a bit annoyed if one of them sends something to my son or I hear someone has said or written about me, but only a tiny bit, the way I would if my gas bill was wrong or I had a flat tyre.  I can't think of anything specific that I did or that happened that made me stop caring less, which is what makes me assume that over time the feelings just reduced.  Although I should add to that that I have a brilliant therapist and I also see a homeopath, who is very skilled at preparing remedies that seem to help me unlock things that have been hidden away for years.

I don't know if any of that helps but I do hope that things start to change for you and you are able to find some sort of resolution with this part of the puzzle.

[JustKathy]

I think what's bothered me so much in the past is the unfairness of it and the voicelessness (to coin a phrase!) of it all.  No-one wanted to know my side of the story or even cared enough to send a quick email.

This is really painful, isn't it? I'm going through this too. Several of my NM's siblings (my Aunts and Uncles) know that my mother has mental problems, yet they choose to detach themselves from all of it. I went NC about seven years ago, and stopped showing up for holiday gatherings and such. M tells horrible stories about how I've hurt her, and even though some of my relatives know there are two sides to the story, they just aren't interested in hearing my side. No cards, no emails to ask how I'm doing, nothing.

Someone suggested a while back in another thread that relatives might react this way because they know what the N is capable of, and know what will happen if they cross her. Their failure to get involved may be what they feel is best in order to keep the peace. Since they still have to interact with NM at family gatherings, they'd rather avoid her wrath.

I've long learned to accept my mother spreading hateful lies about me, because that's what N's do. But it really hurts that other relatives, people you really love, have opted to not question it and have chosen to simply dismiss the whole thing. Like you, I've found that it bothers me less with time, but it still affects me around the holidays and times when I used to see my favorite Aunts. We truly are voiceless in this case, and it's a tough one.

Kathy

[mudpuppy]

I will tell you all what still keeps me "hooked" in a small way in this situation - my siblings.

I can tell you honestly 100% that if I was an only child, I would be able to detach completely.

But the fact that I went NC has affected my siblings - they have sided with her and so I have lost those relationships as well.

I also know for a fact that my momster tells my siblings and everyone on her side of the family bad things about me - she has created this story about who I am in order to make herself look better. None of them know the real reason I cut her off- they don't know about the years of horrible abuse she did to me behind closed doors. She is super fake and puts on a front to everyone. So I have lost every relationship that she is a part of. None of those people call me, and they talk badly about me.

And its easy to say I shouldn't care, but its painful to have lost relationships and to know that I have been slandered for years. That I am seen as the "bad" "screwed up" one in the family.

I had to cut her out of my life, but the fallout is that I lost everyone who is connected to her.

GP,

If you were to change the parent to one of the siblings and vice versa you would describe my situation precisely. Because I want no contact with my abusive sibling my parent and other siblings who bizarrely side with the abuser are also no contact, but not through my choice. They've decided keeping contact with a person who periodically abuses them also and whom they know to be dishonest to the core is more important than keeping contaxct with someone who has not, even  to the exclusion of their grandaughter and niece. The human mind is capable of rationalizing some sick, bizarre systems to live in.

mud