On the other hand, you could ask him outright what his feeling are.
I have, and he just goes into his Rain Man loop and starts talking about the fruit market and the apricots he bought, and anything but the actual subject. He's a complete emotional void.
I do have a therapist, but stopped seeing her a few months ago after she started siding with my F and defending him. When my father insisted that I send NM a get well card after her cancer diagnosis, I didn’t want to do it, but the T convinced me to do it to make my father happy. She kept telling me, "Don't do it for her, do it for your Father." And now, I would give anything to take that card back. I wish I had never sent it. She was a good therapist on many levels, but once she started defending my F on his actions, I felt she was doing more harm than good.
Hops, I understand what you're saying, and I wish I could do that, but I just can't. This last year my F has hurt me so badly. I don't even have words for the pain He has caused me.
Ever since my NM was diagnosed with "terminal cancer," he has become more evil than she is. The first thing he did was to remove me from the will to make her happy. Not only did he not feel remorse, but justified it by saying it had to be done as a punishment for "that thing you have with your mother." He doesn't even get what "that thing" was. He also claimed that he had no say in it, (which does fit Amber's theory of the Co-D being trapped and truly having no choice). Regardless, "that thing" I had with my mother was abuse, Dad. It was CHILD ABUSE. My husband got on the phone with him and let him have it, and asked him how he could hurt his daughter this way. F replied with, "What's the big deal? It's not like she's my son."
And still, I forgave him. I managed to tell myself that it was okay, because I always knew that the GC would be the sole heir, and that F was brainwashed by NM, and bla bla bla. I made excuses for him and forgave him, just like I did when I was teenager and he refused to give me $20 bill when I was homeless, because NM wouldn't let him.
One thing kept me going and let allowed me to forgive him. There was only one item that I wanted to inherit, and that was his Emmy award. After working my entire life in the entertainment industry, that Emmy meant so much to me. I was SO proud of him for winning it, and he had promised it to me many times over. I had made arrangements in my own will to ensure that it would stay in the family, as it was a treasured family heirloom. The week after I got the news about the will, he told me that NM had "made him" give the Emmy to my brother. That's when I absolutely went to pieces. I tried to make him understand how much he had hurt me, and again got excuses defending NM, and how it belonged with his SON. My husband finally called him and told him that I was distraught, and begged him to get it back from my brother and to make things right. Again, he showed NO remorse, and went on and on about it belonging to his SON, and that he just didn’t understand why I was so upset. Worse, he said that I was just jealous of by brother and to "get over it." Hubby told him to never call our house again.
Two days later, he's back on the phone, acting like nothing happened and leaving messages about his vegetable garden. And why does he persist in calling me? Because my brother won't take his calls. He has all the money and all the stuff, and no longer has any use for the old man. Meanwhile, I get an email from my sister saying that my brother's N wife (who my father HATES) is using the Emmy to hold her jewelry and bragging that she has willed it to her brother in Maine so he can display it in his restaurant.
Sorry that this is going so long. This just hurts like a knife through my heart. I can't stop myself from feeling guilty, because in spite of everything, I managed to grow up a loving and caring person. But there's only so much that I can forgive. I want the pain to stop now, and the only way to make the pain go away is to make them go away. All of them.
I can't pity him just because he got old. We all get old. I'm getting older too. My parents spent 50 years abusing me. I can't forgive them, even a little, because nature took it's course and they aged. When my T advised me to send my mother that damn card, I asked myself, "If I were diagnosed with terminal cancer, would my F call, or send me a card?" It's a no brainer. NO, he wouldn't. He would say, "Oh well, that's a shame," and start talking about the GC.
Kathy
