He did it again

[lighter]

I like to pray to God to please help me help myself....

please help me see the truth more clearly.

I've found a lot of strength in that mantra through the years.

Merry Christmas, (((Lupe.)))

[sKePTiKal]

Here's something that's not really a mantra, but can be really powerful if you let it be...

"I AM. I WISH. I WILL."

it's particularly powerful if you "fill in the blank" after each statement... but there are times when just the bare trio are needed in their simplest form. It will center you in yourself, ground you, help you sense and feel your physical, emotional and mental boundaries - solidify oneself. It's a major acknowledgement, also, that you are entitled to these things: being, wishing, and intention (and follow through).

It doesn't require relationship with anyone except yourself, for the transition from an idea to reality. It doesn't hand off power to anyone else, over your happiness; it's not conditional... in that there are no negotiations or bargains: "I will only be happy [when - if - where - with].

Our most important relationship - though we seldom think of it in those terms - is with ourselves. (not in an N way, so much as in a healing way)

Merry Christmas, Lupita!

[Lupita]

Thank you Hopsy, Light, PR.

I love them alll your ideas.

I would like to find something about conquerinf obstacles.

I need to feel well. Love my self. have enough with my self.

Sonething about I have the strength to conquer anything I determine my self to do. etc.

Have not found something like that yet. I still feel sad for M but it is unbelievable that he has not called or written. Maybe he is punishing me or he did not appreciated me never did. He has no idea he is going to miss me with time. I cannot believe that he does not miss me.

[Lupita]

Just to inject my self with a little humor.

when you feel lonely, just remember that your internet friends will never find out how ugly you really are.

I spent a wonderful Christmas eve with my son and his girlfirned and her family. But today is Christmas day and I am all alone in my apartment.

I am trying to understand that being alone is not that bad. Everything is closed and cannot even go out to shop around. I will find something productive to do.

[Lupita]

I am fine. Nothing bad is happening. I have my apartment. I have my son. I have a job. I have dreams.

Then, why do I feel so bad as if something bad was happening? Why am i cooking my slef in amguish?

I tell my self, I am fine. M does not have any power over me, he does not care about me.

It is OK. I will be OK. I am OK. My son is healthy, I am healthy.

God, give me peace.

[Hopalong]

I still feel sad for M but it is unbelievable that he has not called or written. Maybe he is punishing me

Lupita, sweetie. You are punishing yourself. Your goal is to NOT be paralysed, addicted, or go back with him, remember? So him not calling is a GOOD thing. You blocking his email or screening his calls will ADD strength to your dignity. You cannot be inside his head, you cannot interpret his choice not to call you, or to let it end now, correctly. But this is good--it needs to continue. You are achieving an end. It needed to end. Your experience is that he usually comes back and calls you again. And you know exactly what happens when he does.

So your focus on HIM is hurting YOUR DIGNITY. That is what is "cooking you in anguish." He is outside you, and he cannot guide you inside yourself, to love and heal yourself. Only you can, and only NOT with your focus on getting a man's approval, acceptance, obedience, attention or sex.

I believe a women's support group and spirituality group could do this. Your guides to healing have to have no sex involved, not beauty nor ugliness, nor seduction. There is a whole different power in that kind of experience. You will not find it on a dance floor no matter who the partner is.

You mentioned how your "online friends don't know how ugly you are." I am glad you are noticing that you are focused on your value as a sexual object. You are not ugly (I do know this, remember?). But it is NOT your pretty face or your body that makes you worthy of love and dignity.

Your dignity is because you are yourself, you are intelligent, brave, persistent and worthwhile.

You are intelligent, brave, persistent and worthwhile.

You are intelligent, brave, persistent and worthwhile.

You are intelligent, brave, persistent and worthwhile.

And you are safe.

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Hops, everything you have said, I know already.

I feel as if my mother was abandoning me. That is how I feel. An abandoned child. Lonely and lost on the street.
I see the mirror and see pretty but not pretty. It odes not matter how pretty I am. I know women that are not pretty at all and are so charming that many people want to be around them.
I am repeating I am worthy, intelligent, brave, and pretty.

I know that pretty does not mean much. I know that.

I am aware that M has damaged me a lot. I am aware that I need to end that. But I also need to end the fear. That is something that is killing me right now. Fear of something I do not understand.

Nothing is going to happen. I will be there and dance and it does not matter if he ignores me.

I am afraid that other women will not talk to me knowing that he is not with me anymore because they were jealous and now will be happy I am out of the picture.

It is like being in my family and nobody is on my side. That is my fear. Everybody against me. I cant believe that with all my effort I have not been able to make friends.

M has destroyed the little confidence I had built these last few years.

[Hopalong]

I do not understand why you will not seriously consider finding friends or Phamily outside of dancing.

In a weekly women's support/therapy group AND spirituality practice group. Which could help you heal.

I don't understand it.

I wish you would not dance for one year. And do new approaches. Like ... well, you know.

(It's not my place to design your life and I apologize for my persistence in giving this advice. I am really hooked by your pain, which I understand, and I have a mad desire to fix it, and I keep offering the same solutions over and over again, which you are not interested in, which is absolutely fine. It is not respectful for me to keep repeating it. Only you can decide what you are willing to do to heal your anxiety.)

That's what you're feeling, I believe. Free-floating anxiety. I think your therapist made this diagnosis--anxiety disorder. I apologize if I am remembering that incorrectly.

much love to you,
Hops

[Lupita]

I did not ignore your sudggestions. I looked for a group. It is not easy to fing one. other than alcoholic anonimous, I have not found a group.
I went to a meditation group and it is only that. meditation. Nobody talks about theri problems. It was only meditation.

I found a therapist that hold group therapy. I wrote her an e mail. She answered me back with a number that of course was closed until after the holidays.

I called one that says in her website she has groups but she wanted to deal with me individually and she wanted 200 per sesion. Imposible.

The place I used to go before where they had a sliding scale does not accept me since I live in a different county.

My therapist I can afford only one a month . I will see her tomorrow fortunately. I will ask her about that.

i agree that I need to get out of dancing. But, dancing is the only activity that I like. if I could dance without the damage of M, that would be nice. I dont make any sense.

[Lupita]

Hop, I really hope that you are not scolding me. I feel it as scolding but I might be wrong since I do not trust my perceptions. This is the only place where I am welcome, it would be terrible if I feel bad here.
Tell em that you are my friend and you are not mad at me. It sounds like tou are mad.

[Hopalong]

I apologize, Lup.

I have been avoiding dealing with my OWN stuck places, and as a lifelong codependent myself, I get myself very hooked into advising OTHERS. It is wrong, and I'm sure it did sound scolding.

I apologize to you, dear.

I have no power to scold --as if that ever did anybody who's hurting any good--and it is not supportive for me to get frustrated with anyone but myself! (If anybody ever pointed out to me how I do the same thing over and over and over, expecting a different result...I would be all huffy, I'm sure. Even when they were right. Which they often have been!)

Please forgive me for my tone. I'm off-kilter from my own grief. I really am very impressed with all the effort you're making to find some new outlets of support. So glad you're going to ask your T tomorrow...don't give up! There IS a place where you can get involved in that healing process. I know you can find it because you are intelligent, determined, persistent and worthwhile!

MUCH love to you,

Hops

[Lupita]

Thank you so much for your concern. believe me. i did not want an apology, just wnated to know that you were not mad at me.
I appreciate your time and your preocupation. Nobody worries about me.
Your concern is welcome.

Please, do not stop writing to me. Do not stop responding to my posts. I need you very much.

Love to you.