He did it again

[Lupita]

He called me. He asked me out. He was very loving. I was so needy. I accepted again. After one month of not going to his house. I went again. He did it again. When he got mad at me, he asked me to leave.

I have to get the strnght to not to go back to this man again. never again. When I get very lonely, which I am usually lonely, he calls me or e-mail me and I accept again to be with him.

This time, just before Chrsitmas. He did it before just before thanks giving. Now just before christmas.

He sees me as an object, he does not have feelings. He does not care about me. He thinks he can push me and pull me at his conbvenicne and I feel so lonely that I take the crombs from under the table.

I just dont know what to do to stop feeling so lonely. The loneliness never goes away. A hole in my soul. Somebodt told me when I was complaining, "Elizabeth Edwards had a bad day, she died, not you, you did not have a bad day" I understood that I should not feel so sad and so lonely, but I do, I feel sad and lonely and dont know how to fix it. Very sad and lonely.

[Lupita]

Gosh, I have to have the strneght to not to go back to him this time. He hurts me too much. He causes me too much stress. I dont know how to push these feelings away.

Last night he left me in thje middle of the dacne floor to dance with a friend that was having trouble with the dance, just to teach her, but I felt so bad to be left in the middle of the dance floor that I sat down and did not want to dance anymore.

Then, he told me that he wanted to go home and he wanted me to grab my things and to go away and not to call him again.

I never called him before. He is the one who asked me and e mail me. But he said not to call him as if he was thinking that I am the one who looks for him. I do not look for him, he looks for me, but in his twisted mind he thinks that I call him.

The problem is that when he calls or writes me I answer back and go back to him very easily. I did not even go to his house for a month. This last weekend was the first time I went to his house in a month. He asked me to leave when he got mad because i did not want to dance anymore because he left me in the middle of the dance floor to take care of his lady friend who was with her husband. He sees me as an object. He does not see a human being.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Lupita!

What else has been going on with you in the month you've not seen M? What have you been doing? Who have you've seen or done things with? What are your plans for Christmas?

The reason for my questions, is because the best way to counteract feeling sad and lonely - is to connect with other people; friends - people you really care about and who really care about you. One good friend is worth a whole handful of romantic relationships that are on shaky foundations. Really and truly. And I think those kind of friends are way safer for you, you know?

The other thing is, that if you haven't filled your life with friends, work and activities, well - of course, the next time M calls you'll not be able to resist the temptation to be with him again. You'll have this void of connection with others, of activity, of going out and sharing to fill. Lupita needs to fill her life with Lupita-people... people she likes who are there for her and vice versa. So that you have a safe place and time to figure what's going on - and how - with these romantic relationships.

Maybe you're "looking for love in all the wrong places". Maybe a romantic relationship isn't the right kind of relationship for you to find what you want deep down... you know? You surely don't need "tall, dark & handsome" to cure sad and lonely... there are easier, less risky and less costly ways (emotionally, self-esteem wise) to do that.

[Lupita]

Hi PR, thank you for answering.

I did not stop seeing him. I only stopped going to his house where he asked me to leave one month ago just before thanks giving. We broke up the day before thanks giving and that was the day of our anniversary. But we only stopped seeing each other for three days. Only three days. All this month we were seeing each other all the time, and the only difference was that I did not go to his house. But he insisted so much on me going over there that I went finally this last weekend and stayed there with him until last night, a total of five days. We were having a terrific time full of love and full of good time. It was relaxed and nice.
Suddenly, last night in our regular Tuesday night dance, he grabbed me by my hand and went in the middle of the dance floor and started dancing, when suddenly he saw a friend with her husband fighting over the steps. He immediately grabbed her from her husband, and started teaching her how to dance. I stood up there for a few seconds, then I asked the husband if he wanted to dance a little, and he did dance a little then he said he wanted a drink and I went to sit down. When the music ended, about three minutes later, M came to me and asked me to dance and I said no, “you left me in the middle of the dance floor” “leave me alone”. He asked me several times. I said F you.
Then he got mad and told me to go home and grab my things and never come back again and never call him again. He has done that in the past. It feels bad. He does it because he knows I take it.
In the past he never asked me for the key to his house. Last night for the first time he asked me for the key to his house. I said, no problem. I gave it to him immediately.
It took me five minutes to get the very few things I had.
I have done that for about five times already. I have to stop. For my own sake.

About looking for things to do. I do look for things to do. I go to the movies with friends, I walk with friends, I play the piano with friends. I just feel lonely all the time, except when M is with me.

The only times I feel comfortable it is when M is with me. It is like having my mother with me. I feel that way with M.

Right now I am lost, in limbo again. I have called four friends already. I might go to the movies tonight, to roller skate tomorrow, and Friday I will go over to my son’s house and stay there until Christmas time. I have things to do. It is just that M represents something very big to me.

I wish I did not feel this way.

[Lupita]

What bothers me is that he pushes me and pulls me at his convenience. when he feels I am bothering him he pushes me away and when he misses me he calls me back. I feel like he does not see me as human, he thinks I am an object or a piece of furniture that he can push or pull at his conveninece.

I feel just like i felt with my mother.

very sad and lonely.

It is this constant pain in my throat like if my throat wanted to close and feel sadness deep.

[Hopalong]

Hi ((((((((Lup)))))))),

I don't think "activities" or "entertainment" or "ordinary socializing" with friends can fix this.

It's a spiritual and emotional problem and I do believe a women's support group or group therapy is the place you need to be.

Much love and support for saying "NO" (to yourself, more than to him).

Would you be willing to block his emails and phone calls?

love,
Hops

[nolongeraslave]

Gosh, how I know the feeling of not being able to cut off contact!  Being with him is an instant relief. It's like a drug, but it looks like the long-term effects aren't good.  He lures you in by making you feel love and relaxed, but then you feel like an object of convenience later on. Being busy and supporting yourself with better people feels good, but there may be a part of you that wants to go back b/c it's familiar and there's some instant gratification.

My therapist said "It's easy to leave a toxic person once you feel better about yourself."  A support group for women in the same situation would be a good idea.

[Izzy_*now*]

Dear Lupita,

This is next to unbelievable!

Truth is stranger than fiction!

[Twoapenny]

Lupe, I know this will sound a bit crazy but have you ever tried Bach Flower Remedies?  The first time someone offered them to me ( a therapist) I just took them to be polite because I thought it sounded like a load of old nonsense, but ten years on I still take them most days.  Anyway, there is one called Centuary which is really good for helping people who find it hard to say no or to take a stand and then stick to it.  I just thought of it when I was reading your posts.  No idea whether or not it's your sort of thing, or if you've already tried them, but thought I would mention it anyway - I remember those days of not being able to get out of those sort of merry go round relationships  and it's very frustrating!!

[sKePTiKal]

Sweet Lupita,

you didn't say if you're going back to your T, when you replied about all you've been doing. I think that would be the best place to figure out once and for all what's going on with M and how that might be like your relationship with your mother. It's not that I don't have my own experience of this kind thing (and I have stayed in a Holiday Inn Express! LOL!) but my experience could be a whole lot different than yours. So it would be better to bring this up with and work through it with your T.

I'm having trouble "connecting the dots" in what you're telling me... and I know your T would be much better at this, than I am. I don't understand how...

if you're NC with your Mom because of N...
and M makes you feel like you felt with your Mom...

you could consider that feeling comfortable. Familiar - maybe! I can see that... but familiar isn't the same as "comfortable".

Personally I'd be so scared of the similarities between M & Mom that I'd run as far away from him, as I could. And never go back. Just ask my ex-husbands.

And I was afraid that something similar was starting to happen with my current hubs... but through the course of working with my T, I learned to separate out the things about hubs & our relationship that *reminded* me of my mom... but were different... and learned what I needed to know (but hadn't learned from dear ole mom) to be able to really relax in my relationship... and change what needed changing about myself... so that I could finally see that it wasn't hubs that was "doing" something to me or "making" me miserable or "needed to change"...

it was all that old stuff still stuck in my heart & head - those old wounds from dear ole mom that needed dealing with, resolving instead.

Think about it, Lup. If you really want to change the sad & lonely, I think the best place to do that is going to be with your T. Even though I've been "graduated" from therapy for a couple years now... if something like this came up for me, I wouldn't hesitate to go back and try to work through it, if it was something that just wasn't budging with my own effort and the collective wisdom here. This situation with M is just the "symptom" of the underlying infection and you need a big shot of anti-bioNic!!

[Lupita]

Thank you HopsyWopsy, PR, IZ, Twoa, nolong, thank you fro takeing the time to write me.

I felt a little better today. After breaking up the non contact rule is the best. So I am refraining my self from writing him or calling him. I will not.
For the first time, he has not written me or called me. I suspect he will right after the holidays. What a convenient time.

I believe that I need to get far from him becuase of my own good becasue he causes me too much stress and his personality makes me feel insecure.I cannot continue with him. I am aware of it. But it is difficult when he becomes loving and tender.

But I know that after being alone during the holidays I am going to be too resentful to be able to accept his advance again. I think. I hope I can get a little dignity. I need to have some little dignity.

So, my next step is to regain some self value, some dignity. I will go ice skating today with a friend.Tomorrow my son. Sunday, I dont know what. My throat is not closing today. Still a little pain but not as bad as yesterday. Still, I went to the movies with a friend and I enjoyed it not to its hole potentiall but I had some joy in going out of the house with somebody else that was not M.

[lighter]

Put on your holiday RED dress and DANCE, Lupe.

You don't need that man to dance and feel happy.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

GOOD for you, Lup.

Dignity is a wonderful, one-word mantra.

You can say that word to yourself over and over.

It really will help!

love,
Hops

[Lupita]

Thabk you hop and light.

Do you know of a website where I can find good mantras to write on my walls? I am going to start with posters and sticky notes to put everywhere in my house. But I do not know what to write. Nothing comes to my mind.
It has to be something that helps me to convence my self that I can dance by my self with out him and I can be happy without anybody and I can go out by my self and that it is OK to be my self.

But I want to say it with more imptacting words.

Anu ideas? Please?

[Hopalong]

Self-respect is the root of discipline:  The sense of dignity grows with the ability to say no to oneself.  ~Abraham Joshua Heschel, The Insecurity of Freedom: Essays on Human Existence, 1967


Not being able to govern events, I govern myself, and apply myself to them, if they will not apply themselves to me.  ~Michel de Montaigne, Essays, 1588


How like herrings and onions our vices are in the morning after we have committed them.  ~Samuel Taylor Coleridge


The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own.  No apologies or excuses.  No one to lean on, rely on, or blame.  The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it.  This is the day your life really begins.  ~Bob Moawad


I have been my own disciple and my own master.  And I have been a good disciple but a bad master.  ~Antonio Porchia, Voces, 1943, translated from Spanish by W.S. Merwin