daughter threatens to disown me

[BonesMS]

Hmmmm.......

Coming in a little late here but . . . .

In another thread, we were talking about how WE all wanted THEM (The N parents, siblings, spouses, etc.) to admit they were wrong and ask us for forgiveness.

I think your daughter has needs too, especially with the new baby.  I cannot imagine how I would react if my mother had turned up at my house when my son was a newborn, and wanted me to acknowledge that she had suffered as the result of a marriage in which I had been a victim and wanted to talk about and re-hash all that crap. I would have asked her to leave, too. 

Did you really think your daughter, having just delivered a child would have any kind of emotional energy to deal with your issues?

In my view, her husband, by asking you to leave, was protecting her from further hurt.

As her mother, you should have been there for your daughter, and saved your own emotional chamber pot for another day.

Hi, Erin.

I know you mean well.  It's been a while since you've been here and a LOT has happened in your absence.  In gentleness, may I suggest that you read through all of the history before responding?  What I'm seeing now appears to be a lot of misunderstanding.  We are all hurting and extremely sensitive this time of year as I may not be the only one suffering from PTSD from the abuse we endured growing up.

(((((((((((((((((((((Erin))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[seastorm]

I am sure there is something to be learned here but right now I don't really know what it is. I realize I need a therapist and have arranged to start in the new year. This is always a painful time of year for me. I am house bound and have cabin fever.
Thanks for the replies. I feel really thrashed and tired right now.

This has been extremely painful. I mean dealing with my estrangement from my daughter.

Thank you for your support. Things need to change.

Sea

[sKePTiKal]

(((((Sea)))))

Time to take care of you. Yes, you're right.

I haven't quite gotten involved, to the level of you & Hops - but it's not so far off either, with one of my D's. I tried to help her; educate her; encourage her - only to have her start to act in psycho ways and eventually marry a man who's eligible for social security (she's 34). Seems she got one or more of the dysfunctional family "genes"... and that also maybe I was too quick to judge. He has stuck with her and has put himself into a father role with the grandsons. Fingers crossed - maybe she was right and I wasn't. That's OK by me.... as long as everyone is well and as happy as we hope to be.

But I'd be locked away (one way or another) by now, if I hadn't heeded my T and left her situation alone to focus on me, instead.

It will get better, hon... it WILL. Make a warm cuppa something... grab an old favorite book... and take care'a Sea...

[seastorm]

Thanks for sharing your experience with me. It seems that there are a lot of survivors of narcissistic parents who have children who disown them.  I realize I was a traumatized parent and stumbled through the process without the necessary skills. I think my child is pretty happy except for me. This leaves me left on the side of road.

You are right about focusing on myself and getting stronger. That is all I can do. The odds of us finding a really good family therapist who can also deal with substance abuse and do it by computer is pretty slim. Now I know what the kid who is the identified client feels. Having all the blame heaped on me is too much.

I realize there are quite a few parents here who are estranged from their kids. They all sound really baffled even though I know they are smart and insiteful. I am trying to let go and let God. That is a good plan for me.

Sea

[Twoapenny]

Sea, I don't know if this will help much or not at the minute, but my sister is going through a similar thing with her daughter at the minute.  I'm in that odd situation with them of genuinely knowing all the sides to the story and I can see/understand the psychology behind the whole thing, even though it looks (and feels) really confusing to everybody.

I think, at the end of the day, families are really hard work!  There are so many people involved, they all have their own sets of problems/situations to deal with and I think the expectation of family is different to the expectation of friends.  I think you are right to focus on your own healing.  You can only cope with you, and you can only change you - if change is what's needed.  I've gone through really long periods of needing to be completely alone - I just couldn't handle even normal conversation with people, it was all just too much.  There are no hard and fast rules and nothing is set in stone.  Take each day as it comes and do what feels best/right for you at that time.

I feel hopeful for you and your D.  I think you both want to be in each other's lives - it's just not always as easy as it sounds!

Thinking of you ((((((((()))))))))))))

[seastorm]

Thank you so much.

[Redhead Erin]

Seastorm,

I want to apologize because you thought I meant to be hurtful.  I didn't.  And yes, I really do talk that way to people I meet in the real face-to-face world. I'm always sort of bitchy like that, not just in cyber-world.

I admit I jumped the gun.  I really empathized with your daughter. I read your initial post over several times, and it still sounds to me as if you were expecting her to be sympathetic to you  because of your bad marriage, in which she was also a victim. I see there are some issues between you and her and her step mother, which have upset you very much.

The main point I intended to make was, that was really not very good timing to bring up all these issues.  I still remember how I felt for many weeks after my son was born--emotional, exhausted, and drained.  NO way on earth could I have coped with anything ohtr than be basics of caring for him and myself. I still believe, and stand by my assertion, that you should have waited to bring up any issue ohter than the absolute adorableness of your new grand baby.