Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Decided to go to the Buddhist classes on their "generosity policy", frankly I would feel generous if I actually paid them because it's all so philosophical. Got started on the program logic model for my gig. Thought this night would be good for an early retirement to bed for once. Whatever was discussed in the Buddhist class went in one of my ears and out the other, the focus was the body.
A circle was formed out of navy blue cushions on the red painted floor, then the small group talked and listened. Maybe being involved in something as simple as this is a choice to have a voice in a little way.
Class talked about clear perceiving I almost blurted something out about Nar-people not "clear perceiving" I didn't blurt it out.
The thing is I think my mother does have a perception about her own behavior. I don't believe nar-people are unaware of how they treat people BECAUSE my mother did go to a counselor one time and for about 2.5 weeks she was NICE to me! AND it was weird...but it proves that she knows how to be nice, she knows the meaning of it.
Enough about my mother, back to me, no back to you....no back to sleep. Good night.
lighter:
Jumping rope, with a $10.00 speed rope, is good.... plastic, goes very fast.
You can do it anywhere, in any weather, and it's great for building endurance.
You don't leave the ground but an inch or so, so you're not pounding the heck out of your joints.
You can pretend to jump rope at first, then add one when you can. Ringside has them. Standing on rope, measure to your hips on either side, and that's your rope length.
You can stand near a clock, jump for 2 minutes, take 30 seconds off, jump 2 minutes for as long as you can swing it.
40 minutes would be good.
Start with a minute, or less, if you have to build up endurance.
High energy music helps.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Hiya MB--
I'm not sure part-blue is actually equivalent to part-green...
it proves that she knows how to be nice, she knows the meaning of it.
I think if you mean she "knows the definition of what is 'nice behavior'", sounds like she does. But I think it would take more empathy (where she's damaged and limited) to really sense the meaning of it.
IOW, so much "niceness" seems empty and meaningless...unless one is actually vibrating with some empathy for the other, in which case one often recognizes that small kindnesses and courtesies and gentle language...mean something less than they appear on the surface. (Where they just look like "rules.")
dunno if that made sense,
Hops
Meh:
I had my meeting with the shelter director, she was excited that I'm working on the grant but I don't know...I still don't have a job. The rule is school or job.
Any who....
So I went to the gym tonight, straight to the treadmill because that is an easy comfort zone thing to do. Walked and walked and walked some more, I'm a slow warmer upper then after that I got out of my comfort zone and got onto one of the gigantic stair step machines. Then I got back on the treadmill and ran and ran and ran. I decided that my fanny has the consistency of two pizza dough balls. Ha
Under the little bit of extra flab I still have some muscle even if I am many years out of shape I exceeded my expectations.
Some college girl was looking over at me in contempt because I was running and she is maybe just too dang lazy.
I have an imaginary friend on the tread mill, it's a horse that runs along besides me sort of like Mister Ed but this horse hasn't said anything to me yet. He is my pace setter.
After I got off the treadmill I discovered there is a rock climbing wall, really wish I could get on it but I can't get too distracted with too many activities no matter how "normal" I want my life to feel, I'm afraid the rug is going to be pulled out from under me. I shouldn't have too much fun or try to be normal...that is the script or the truth.
Earlier today I went to get a referral for a job that is posted on a state-job bank site. The pre-screening guy I talked to argued with me telling me that I wasn't qualified to apply for the job so he didn't want to give me the referral. I argued back because I HAD READ the job posting, I said, that it does not require managerial experience, he was trying to tell me that it did, then he went and he called the employer to find out what they really wanted, he walked back to me and apologized because he was wrong, then he continued to argue with me some more about something else. So I kind of figure he just didn't like the way I looked or something. I got the damn referral though.
I'm an expert at looking for jobs and I know how to read a job posting even better then Mr. Expert who is lucky enough to be employed at the office for job seekers (paid by tax payers) - not only that but I can politely argue circles around him.
Good Night.
Meh:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 25, 2011, 04:42:11 PM ---Hiya MB--
I'm not sure part-blue is actually equivalent to part-green...
it proves that she knows how to be nice, she knows the meaning of it.
I think if you mean she "knows the definition of what is 'nice behavior'", sounds like she does. But I think it would take more empathy (where she's damaged and limited) to really sense the meaning of it.
IOW, so much "niceness" seems empty and meaningless...unless one is actually vibrating with some empathy for the other, in which case one often recognizes that small kindnesses and courtesies and gentle language...mean something less than they appear on the surface. (Where they just look like "rules.")
dunno if that made sense,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hops, I agree with what you wrote it does make sense to me. What I have in my mind is that she treats her alcoholic husband well. At work she also acts normal. Her problem seems to be the kids, me and my brother both receive the weirdness.
I think she probably does have empathy but not for me. Selective empathy. Is that Narcissism?
I thought well if she was abused as a kid then that would explain it--but I'm just not sure something doesn't mesh for me--I prefer to think that maybe she is just possessed by an evil spirit.
If it was Nar-personality disorder wouldn't she expose everyone to her disorder instead of saving it all up for the daughter? I don't know.
One day my mother used the term "SILENT DESPERATION" to describe something I was experiencing and then I KNEW that SHE was aware of her own abuse. Otherwise she wouldn't be aware maybe? I don't really know it's not my area of expertise.
It's more like my mother treats me like crap because she thinks she can get away with it. It's always private between her and me or maybe her husband or aunt or brother is triangulated into it. One time I even told her she was triangulating and I realized that she was familiar with that term and she said defiantly "I don't care".
I don't think my mother is a psychopath she just hates me. It is weird to be hated by one's own mother for no good reason.
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