Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Yoga class is tonight thankfully.
After "the big important meeting" I came "home" to where my new "friend" decided to have an open hearted divulging about her ex-husband who is a homosexual and incestuous.
I feel like I am surrounded by chaos and trouble.
After yoga, I'm coming back to fill up my day-planner with my minutia--it helps me feel calm even if the day planner is --"dust in the wind".
I need to set some limits and boundaries for myself maybe...do this much ( ) and then hand it off.
I hate it when life determines my priorities rather then my soul/spirit/body deciding what the priority is for my life.
I want to shape my life like a sculpture but even art has it's unexpected moments. If I was good enough I could control it, skillfully deciding. --That is one of those underlying thoughts.
sKePTiKal:
Meh.
Truth is, it's our subconscious and it's ability to tap into collective consciousness - or the void I used to call it - that provides that spark of inspiration - sometimes whole images - for "art". It's a whiff of something in the air... a charge of electricity at some just below awareness frequency... we learn to "go with the flow" some... just to be able to catch the wave long enough, to try to "surf life"...
but enough pseudo-profound babble. Practically speaking, I cringe at the thought of designing a project by committee - especially a large one - precisely for the reasons you're worried. What has worked for me in the past, is to list everyone's idea/contribution... and thank them for their important contribution (ego-stroking, yes, but very important to recognize their work and ideas). Then, with a very small group of people (where's your director in all this?)... rank the ideas for chance of success for the grant, feasibility to implement, value to the overall vision of the mission... what stays? what goes? what has the most chance of standing out among other grant entries?
Toss the "tried & tired" ideas... but look for a commonality in some of the wackier ideas to those old successful ones... some element that gets to the point of the whole project. Then, it's important to know "who decides" what gets in the final grant - typically that's not the grant writer - but it does sound as if you've been given a fair amount of input into that process. That's good - but I don't think it would be fair to "stick you" with the decision of what goes into the grant, along with writing it, and also making you the messenger of the final design back to the stakeholders on the committee. You should only have one of those responsibilities - "officially", that is. There might be fuzzy lines in reality... but officially, it doesn't work for you to wear all 3 hats... and I can see where you might worry! I wouldn't be all that comfortable in that position - because I've been there before and it's not a happy place. That person can get blame from all sides... you know? EVEN if the grant application succeeds...
I'd say it's time to touch base with your director, even if she was at the meeting, to carve out better definitions of roles & responsibilities - and get her take on the collection of ideas you've got.
GOOD LUCK, Muffin! This sounds really exciting... and it is possible to "surf this" too... and I hope your experience with this is much better than mine was...
Meh:
Some days I find it so hard to stay connected with life.
The days when I feel good are usually when I feel like I have learned something or done something new.
Days when I feel bad are one's where I waste time and get no-where.
I'm faced with the Maslow's hierarchy of needs issue daily.
I feel like I can't get off of the bottom two levels of that stupid pyramid no matter what I do.
Physiological and Safety always cause me worry. The Belonging and Self Esteem are a struggle.
The very top of the pyramid is where the "meaning" part is.
The problem is I don't feel motivated to survive without meaning or something to look forward to. I just feel fear and stress that is the motivation.
I think people need all of those things all the time. Need food, need safety, need belonging, need self-esteem, need purpose.
I'm tired of trying so hard to get those things when I think I see other's taking them for granted.
The concept of "effort" comes up in Buddhist teachings. Worry and stress feel like effort but it doesn't lead to an actual goal.
I'm burnt out.
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote ---Days when I feel bad are one's where I waste time and get no-where.
--- End quote ---
Maybe I can interpret this differently. See it differently.
Days when you waste time and get no-where... are days when you need to rest... not think about the big projects in front of you (and the plural is not a typo)... when you just need a time-out for self-care... some yoga... special healing foods... an extra meditation session - or just doing something you need to do, that you've let the new work schedule hog all the time for...
I have learned - the hard way - that throwing more & more time and effort at anything, till I'm obsessed and consumed (chewed up & spit out) is the surest way to guarantee that I'm not doing my best - and working myself into a self-fulfilling prophecy (based on anxiety). And I do think this approach is a result - a response to living in a dysfunctional FOO situation, with upside-down relationships and responsibilities... I've also found that there are parts of me that cling to this approach as if my life depended on it and refuses to change - and even sabotages attempts to change. I feel horrible too when I can't seem to drag my butt into what lives on my to-do list...
It is hard work to teach myself that it's OK - nothing bad will happen - if I deliberately give myself a day off, or a half-day to just rest or do something fun... my fingers are still clamped down in a death-grip on the infinitely steep and difficult rock wall I'm trying to climb...
... and I forget from time to time, that it's OK (in fact it's necessary for me) to arrange my life in such a way that there is balance between the work & sacrifices I make and the things I do for me... and I've even added other people now, on that side of the balance sheet - things I do for other people or with other people - that are refreshing to me.
The work will be there after you've taken care of yourself... and if you take care of yourself FIRST... you'll be able to bring more to the work - more creativity, problem-solving, more energy, more YOU - and also receive more good stuff from the work. No one will think badly of you and you aren't being lazy or worthless simply because you require a time-out to care for yourself... even exciting, fun things can use up energy... and to keep them fun and exciting it's absolutely necessary to allow yourself the physical, emotional and mental rest you need.
It's OK, Muffin.
Meh:
A chamber orchestra came to a theater a few blocks away from where I'm at, two tickets were gifted to me for being a volunteer, last night I brought a bi-polar, homeless alcoholic for companionship.
The day before I was strongly encouraged by one of the other women to go over to a church and look through their free stuff for homeless people, I did rummage through the old used stuff, I found a black & red & gold velvety brocade type fabric jacket. The jacket has one missing button, an abstract pattern of gold butterflies, and red roses. The same place had a pile of scarves, I grabbed a red old grandma scarf not realizing that it was an accessory for the jacket.
So last night, I put on my jacket and red scarf, went to art gallery with my companion and looked at encaustic paintings.
Then we went to the theater that (I think) auspiciously was beautifully red, black and gold inside.
The music was fine, my companion seemed to follow the music during the performance with her breathing, I think she enjoyed it.
Prior to this, just the day before, she had a tooth extracted. Her face and body language looks haggard most of the time.
I don't really want to become long-term friends with her, I think she may be dangerous somehow, but it was one good night.
The way she relates to me feels like an alcoholics anonymous meeting even on a Friday night out on the town, she can't stop talking about her challenge with alcohol and her fear that some guy is going to follow her home at night walking in the dark. Walking with her made me a little nervous because her fearful body language is an attractant.
Putting her faults aside and my faults aside, the nice thing was that she paid attention to the art more then I do, and I consider myself to be a creative type. Sometimes we appreciate life more with the help of other's ability to see.
-----
I truly live with a bunch of freaks, I say that in a cynical humorous but true way.
The young woman 24ish who is very thin 80-90lbs max (anorexic/bulimic) woke up this morning and started using a children's cake baking play-set that came in a cardboard box with pictures of a cartoon girl with pink hair on it for a logo. She was standing in the shared kitchen in plaid high-heels, a pastel apron while mixing sugar and dye for this kid's mini-microwave cake. She talks in a little girl’s voice. She had me smell the blue fondant cake mix.
I'm in my 30's and I'm wearing a used grandma outfit sitting here trying to find space for myself that doesn’t smell like fake cake and burning bacon, that doesn’t involve watching a stranger track dirt into an area I'm obligated to clean.
There is an older woman at the shelter that I don't like very much, she burps a lot, when she burps she vocalizes the burps into Bart Simpson like expressions. "buuurr--doo'oohhh" I'm not sure if she has turrets or what but sometimes I just want to tell her to shut-up.
I so wish I had a private office to go to (my own) not a job office but a different place.
I would have a desk for writing and an area for painting. I would have some plants in my office.
The floor would be clean, wood, there would be very little clutter, it would smell clean it would be sunny.
I would spread out all the papers I have on the desk and I would file them.
Not much else to say.
I woke up with an acid stomach, asked the other women if they get that also due to stress, only feedback I got was that it could be a sign of ulcers.
Mind went blank that is all I have to write now.
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