Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
A finer line between complacency, denial, avoidance, acceptance, appeasement, enabling, co-dependency.
It's like all of a sudden there are more rooms in the house-story of my family's alcoholism. Certainly my mother is not the person to reflect the whole story of that house nor is she the owner of that house. No body owns the house of family disfunction, it just has a life of it's own and each member of the family understands the problems based on their own vantage point.
Co-dependency--(needing another to be sick) --This reminds me of that movie Stephen King movie "Misery"....isnt that like an extreme theatrical symbol of co-dependancy. A need for the other to be sick or powerless and stuck and needy.
Sometimes I wonder why I was being alienated or on the "other side" why my mother would side with the alcoholics. I can say it's insanity when I don't want to think about it but it's also her appeasing the alcoholic that she is co-dependent with. That explanation still bothers me though because I think she makes a choice when she appeases the alcoholic.
I'm tired of focusing on them. Why do I do it? Because family is that powerful and a sick family will always be un-nerving?
So I don't have to focus on my own life? Or when I try to focus on me a thought comes up that leads back to them?
Or in order to heal me I have to understand them. OR NOT. Because understanding is only a thought.
In the end maybe I will just go for a jog, in a moment, I'm really going.
Narcissism and Alcoholism are very close together I think. In Narcissism and Alcoholism the Adult children miss out on developing certain skills that adults should have learned when they were children--no matter what the family issue is. There is a power problem, there is violence, voicelessness etc.
Narcissim and Substance abuse share a similarity of (selfishness) my mother was selfish in her ways with Narcissism and my brother selfish in his substance abuse focused life.
Meh:
Today was the first day of volunteering with kids and lucky for me it wasn't super busy, so it was sort of fun, besides the moments when children look like they are going to jump off of an object onto the ground and hurt themselves even though I gently say that it might not be the best thing BUT they survive. I'm not a big authoritarian even though I have been called "School-teacher-lady" before by adults for some reason--I'm sure I will get better at it--and maybe it will be good for me. It was good I think. I just didn't know I was getting so deep into commitment with these programs. Then I felt exhausted when I got "home" layed down for about 6 minutes then decided to go hear some live music, woke me up.
I'm content relatively speaking. Just glad that I DID something.
Boys are really kind of scary at that age, seems like they do every thing possible to try to break their arms, everything they make and build has to be exploded and destroyed in the grandest ACDC-stuntman-volcanic explosion like way possible. I guess I didn't notice any destructive girls today, they were quietly doing projects and then not blowing them up afterwards.
So we built these "electricity machines" that hooked up to each other with tubes to electrocute people (I was not the one who made this up) and it burns your skin if you don't have special skin--but we have special skin that doesnt get burned so it was ok for us to build the machines and there is hot lava that comes out of the machines......etc. etc.
That was my day pretty much.
Meh:
Last night someone was driven down to the emergency-room at the hospital due to her feeling numbness/tingles in her arm, she thought it was heart problems, it turned out to be a migrane symptom according to the doctor. The doctor told her that we/people try so hard to suppress their anxiety/worry/stress or what have you that it starts to manifest in our bodies in these very stange ways such as this migrane she had that was impacting her back and her arms.
I write this down to acknowledge my own stress, even if I fill my life up with other things there is still stressfulness that is not going to go away easily or immediately. It's not caused by my own thoughts, it just is what it is for now.
What to do with a stress that I can not address right now, can not avoid, can not solve? How do I manage that?
I guess every day I just check in a little bit, is there an emergency right here right now? NO. and YES.
Technically I am still in a "personal crisis" BUT I can't go around freaking out all the time!!!!
Problem is I always feel like there is impending doom. That is ongoing anxiety.
Stress has got to be related to a lack of power of certain life situations. The key is within that range of stress, to continue to attempt to survive and have some form of little solution or work around or adaptation even if it's not the whole solution to the stress and it doesnt go away 100%. At least this is what I'm telling myself.
Today I was laughing with one of the directors I was working with because she takes things so light-hearted and I get super-dooper serious. We made an initiative today. We had to address a policy or an initive specifically and since there wasnt one exactly we just made one up. I have never made an initive before I assumed that it was a serious rule that I had to follow that was listed in some long document inside a boring book somewhere written by some important person. So we started giggling while we were making up our new initiative.
Meh:
Very tired right now. Today, I worked on some paper-mache props for a kids play-set. I haven't done anything like that since I can't remember when, and it's a lot of work. Mind is rather blank-ness at the moment even with two cups of coffee. So maybe it's nap time for me. I know that I shouldnt be playing with paper mache instead I should be doing serious job search activity I think about this and then I just say "who cares" to myself. I went to an interview on Monday and didn't hear anything back so---whatever.
I wish I could go on a little weekend trip to get away from where I am. Just for a few days. Maybe in the future that will happen and then again maybe it won't.
I remember one of my therapists from a long time ago was telling me how important play was for children and she assumed that I was not a kid that played very much, maybe she was right--so I watch the kids trying to figure out what the heck I should have learned from it all and I can't figure it out really. They spill water and then I clean it up while they are crying their eyes out like it's the end of the world. Then two seconds later they have stopped crying and are back to playing again.
So far it's pretty good, I forget to be stressed out there, the new stress is making sure the kids don't choke on something.
There is always something that could be stressful.
At least at the end of the day I feel like I did something and for right now that is good even if my imaginary judges in my mind tell me I am wasting my time and should be more serious. I need to not be serious for a while. Maybe at some point I will get to paint a whole back-drop for a stage set--that would be fun. Unfortunately I don't meet any single people there- because they are all parents. Another oh-well.
Meh:
Filling their lives up with play-dates, yoga sessions, hair-cuts, oil changes, house remodel appointments, taking dog to the vet, trendy mood enhancing psychotropic pharmaceuticals. . I say it's easy because these people can still laugh and stop the worry when it's time to fall asleep at night, they don't really need the pills, they read about it in a magazine article so that is why they need it. They are self-important or something so that is why they go to a therapist--they are not going through a divorce or job-loss or life-loss or illness. Sometimes I wonder if these are the people that came up with that social voice of "I don't have enough time, I'm so busy, my life is crazy".
I look at daily routine lifestyles and they seem normal to me, normal and easy.
I'm not saying this very well right now, I'm wondering why some accept a simple life with emotional simplicity and other's----believe that life is very complex and always there is an emotional battle field inside. Some people face life with tremendous strain or reckless abandon--its that space between individual and the greater world that moment or space of interfacing with life. I think about some of the people around me, there is a damaging carelessness that some of them have, not so much a happy ease--but something else. Then there is my brother's emotional world--that is deeply toxic in some way. I don't know maybe people who have toxic inner-worlds can't interface with the outerworld with ease or light-heartedness.
I guess I've always wondered what was the difference between people who can feel basically safe and good vs. those who don't feel basically safe or well. Then there are people who appear to have an emotional framework that is basically happy but there is an obvious problem such as bulimia/anorexia.
I believe there are social voices---like a phrase/tag line that is said so often it becomes part of a collective mental-formation.
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