Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Nothing big to write about today. I'm looking forward to listening to live Jazz this week. That is pretty much it.
I now have access to a piano but I never had lessons. I have to say the individual notes out loud while I plunk.
EABCBABBBAGAAEAB ----Yeah, so what, I can't play BUT I still plunk.
I don't know, I wish I could play an instrument or at least lived with people that were a little more playful. I sing in the shower and I know that I'm stretching my "room-mates" ability to cope with my singing Ha-Ha-Ha HA. Oh, well------these people here are like pale drug-zombies half the time--OH WELL if they don't sing. I love to sing because its fun. BECAUSE ITS FUN. I have to capitalize that. It's good to do stuff just for the sake of fun. I'm allowed to have fun....that is why I sing in the shower. Smile.
Yep, thats just about it, not much to say and time to sleep.
Sometimes I wish I could just drown in music, not listen to people coughing. Hech Ech Ack Ack
Remember this song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKs6Yy847nw
Meh:
Tired, tired, tired.
Did my little music listening thing tonight, there is someone who likes the same music I guess from my Buddhist group. He said hello in the past but in a very pleasant way he asked me about me sitting alone and what I was doing--like why was I just sitting alone listening to music. I guess I could say to him that I'm trying not to kill myself. But he wouldn't really get that any more then he could get why I sit alone.
So tonight I was thinking about the idea of pushing oneself to do things like get out of the comfort zone or whatever.
Then there was a part of me that said "maybe this is just who I am, maybe it's not a concept like comfort zone".
Why shouldn't I sit alone and listen to music? Maybe I just need to look stranger odder with dark glasses like roy orbison or something and then maybe I can sit alone??
He said I should go sit closer to the muscians I said "In the mosh pit?"
I was trying to make a joke because it's jazzy music. Then he asked me if I had ever been in a mosh pit and I said yes.
Then he pointed out that for me it feels like being in a mosh pit to socialize. So much for my joke. Usually jokes are a good defense.
I smiled and shook my head yes that he had nailed the tail on the donkey/jack-ass. He said well we will have to work on that--and maybe my aversion to social groups could have been averted at a younger age but why can't I just cope with my life.
He's in my Buddhist groups. The truth is nobody can Do anything about it. I don't want to Do.
ughhhhh.....and maybe that is the point.....like in a Buddhist sort of way. For him it's not a doing its being but for me it's doing with a lot of struggle.
Socializing is a kind of play a play that gives me terror. I don't want to play with adults! Ha-Ha Ohhhh-gosh.
It's beyond me. My coping skills are strained and limited.
Stress=tired.
Not wanting to do=tired.
I don't want to try or do life anymore. I just want life to click and iif it's too hard then for me to do something-well why hasn't therapy helped. So I hate it when people say stuff like that to me except for the part that he is just really nice and he is very social so I can't be pissed at him.
Going to drink my licorice yucky tea and go to sleep.
There is someone where I live "the recovering alcoholic"-there are numerous of these but I call this one THE.
So the recovering alcoholic is very self-isolating and I was thinking something about how I thought that was annoying BUT then I experience this and then I think well am I any better or different? And yeah I'm different in someways but maybe not so many ways.
BUT still different because every person is different and really shouldnt be compared to others etc.
This is a tired ramble. Night.
tomorrow I wake up and drink black coffee--grrrrrr-- and work on stuff----grrr---------grrrrr----snore.
Meh:
This life I'm living has changed in strange ways.
"My" "bed" is covered with "vegetables".
I was asked to sew some potatoes for a children's playset. So I have been sewing lots of potatoes out of women's nylons and stuffing with puff because that was the project. So I'm tired now, and looking inside a plastic produce bag from the grocery store that I'm using to store my organic "potatoes". They don't look like potatoes....they look like something else....you guess what....
I have worked hard all day long sewing these creative master pieces and they look worse than #2.
I'm joking, my #2's look mighty fine.
For all the time that went into making these 'erds.....they should be worth about $200.00. Maybe I should take them to the grocery store and weigh them on the fruit scale just in case.
Meh:
Tonight, I'm too tired. Thats all there is to say.
Meh:
Maybe choosing not to use the voice is a form of voicefulness.
I had a pretty good day, something pleasantly unexpected occured that felt like a mini-vacation.
It's really windy here (real sound) and someone has a movie on that has windy noises in it (fake wind). A little weird but it is Extra Windy here.
G Night.
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