Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Uh, tired again. Came here out of habit, sometimes it's just a familiar place to come back to. I have had some minor recent changes in my life that I think I am going to come here and write about but I find myself stopping short of putting it down for some reason so for now I will just leave it at that.
Made an eggplant, an (almost) asparagus and a pickle and some flowers, got some more fabric to make daffodils. Sigh....I don't know what for...just because.
I feel a bit sad today, for reasons that I don't wish to explain too much. It's like sometimes I can fool myself into believing that I can be happy but days like this a little sadness creeps in and it's more like reality is catching up with me. So I just tell myself to get through the next few days and see what happens.
I have a new roommate that has bone cancer (my feelings are not related to that).
Why does it matter that I have a room mate that has bone cancer, well, I don't know. I suppose it just goes to show that things can be going pretty well and something beyond one's control can change that. We don't have ultimate control over everything.
Meh:
I come here again and all I feel like writing is that I'm tired & dissappointed.
It's beyond me for the moment.
I'm thinking that maybe in the future I will be able to write retroactively backwards about what is happening now or maybe not.
I look at these statements and I wonder if this is enough to be voicefulness.
Lately I have had to endure my own fakeness to others and other's blah-blah-blah and poor advice towards me. On top of that I sense that I simply don't want to explain or talk or output anything.
I've had to smile at people giving me bad input and I have had to generate BS output in these fleeting relationships that compose my so called safety network.
something is needed to avoid a complete soul implosion
but I'm taking on the alcoholic's mantra of "one day at a time" it's a pretty good idea for anyone really. Usually 50% of stuff changes by the next day anyways.
Meh:
Had a particularly satisfying day because I discovered a hiking trail that I can get to. Yay! Crouched down on the edge of a big rock cliff and looked down and felt like a little kid. Would have been nice to have a picnic of sorts.
Got a short term job gig that allowed me enough dough to get my hair cut. It came out really different and I think I like it.
I'm tempted to say I'm tired but I think lonely and bored and discouraged and not exercising enough and doing underwhelming tasks to make some money would be a more specific description. Those things all just add up to tired though.
Walked to a stone sculpture that had some little stalactite or stalagmites forming on it from the minerals coming out of the stone.
Thought about frustrating things today, especially the conversations I have to have with people and how other people have goals for my life that are not the goals I wish to have for myself. There is discouragement communicated to someone who is in my position. I also remember that others are always in their own worlds. Then I remind myself to be true to my world-my sphere of survival-in my own orbit and on my rotation and tilt.
I discovered this today:
If thou of fortune be bereft, And in thy store there be but left Two loaves — sell one, and with the dole Buy hyacinths to feed thy soul. — James T. White
It was a very good day but hard, I envisioned my heart being propped with toothpicks in the same way a person props up an avocado seed to get it to grow. Its pretty much emotional control and I know the consequences are there in the future. I propped myself up against that stone sculpture thing and looked around at some beautiful scenery and I know I need to cry, that I just need to be allowed to feel the way I do.
I fake it really hard. Cheerful like a Brady bunch marionette. I have to fake it the alternative maybe is death?
I have roommates that stay in slippers all day long and don't brush their greasy cow-licked hair and it gets to me. I think I use to be like that sort of.
Meh:
So tired, spent wkend planting beans and squash and sunflowers and peas and smooshing garden grubs into a gross mess.
Meh:
Awkward communication about not meeting my mother on Easter. I'm so tired the last email I almost sent her and didn't actually send sounds like a "breakup" note from people who date each other.
It's not really that pleasant any more.....we don't really want to see each other.....it has become an obligation....
I'm drinking chamomile tea and trying to mentally process the day, I feel like I need to follow up with stuff and people and situations but I'm getting so overwhelmed that I'm starting to ask myself what if I don't do it right now, what will happen if I don't get involved in that situation and converse etc. Things kind of work themselves out sometimes. There are just so many changes happening and so many personalities that I can't possibly manage or controll it all. It's out of control.
I have been practicing more "nos".
Nos to others and nos to myself.
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