Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
I got in a fight today, only a verbal confrontation. It was interesting there was a witness and a mediator that stepped in.
The other person approached me and is a self appointed coordinator of sorts. I did not know this, I had been told that the coordinator was a different person (the person I was working with).
Apparently the person who got in the verbal fight with me doesn't get along with the other coordinator either.
Anyways. It was interesting and arresting the rest of my day I didn't feel like doing the busy-bee check list thing after the fight.
The fight felt a little good and a little bad. And maybe it's good to be bad sometimes.
I'm very thankful I had a witness.
There was a previous strained relationship history going on between the coordinators that I didn't know anything about but it set one of them off.
Meh:
So, in my unchosen circle of acquaintances there is an alcoholic woman who has talked to me quite a bit about her personal issues.
Her explanation of her personal issues included the fact that she wanted to leave her FOO so bad that she went right into another relationship with a man that took care of her but was abusive and she QUOTE "had a family to get away from her parents".
She had children because it was a device for her own survival. Her husband was then somehow obligated to support her because of the children.
In this conversation something solidified even more for me about my own mother and me. I was one of these types of children who are a device for the mother's survival. An old friend of mine whose parents were heroine addicts called herself a meal-ticket baby.
Somehow hearing it described from a person outside of my FOO made it more real. In the bigger world that breathes and exists despite my N-mother and FOO--there are other people who have had similar experiences.
It took me a very long time to figure this out. Maybe I feel stupid (hard on myself) or deeply betrayed that I lived for so long not knowing what her intentions were.
In a very deep way I don't think it's just chance that now my mother is remarried she is treating me much worse then she did in the past I think the remarriage signifies to her the stage of her life where I was a meal ticket has gone by and now she doesn't perceive me as useful any longer.
I am very worthless to her. And I can write that and think that without feeling my heart crunch in for once in my life, she is also mattering less and less to me.
Meh:
I need to vent a little.
I'm around a lot of recovering and slipping alcoholics and histrionics and adult women who are parents and whine and cry and ohhhhh I can't, ohhhhhh my knee hurts, ohhhhhh...
I can't hear myself think sometimes because one woman talks incessantly and I'm not exaggerating.
I'm I instigating voicelessness for wishing she would SHUT UP!!!
OR am I a little voiceless because I have a desire for some peace but choose not to say so because she will get upset.
I mean there is only so much an assertiveness class can do for a person.
It's just rude for people to share too much to bystanders just because they are there.
There was also someone who passed out in the kitchen today with her pants on backwards and then an empty Vodka bottle was found in the bathroom garbage. So.....I'm just venting that is all.
I guess the relevant part related to Voicefullness or Voicelessness is I don't want to have a conflict by pointing out that it would be nice to have a little more quiet after 5 continuous hours of her blabbing--could she take a break? Sounds reasonable.
I was here because I decided to try making some homemade chili--not one of my best dishes it comes out bland.
I don't know, I put fresh roasted peppers and roasted tomatoes and cumin and chili and cinnamon and chocolate, black beans onion, little garlic.
The only thing I can really do is avoidance right now. I wanted to sit down with all my paperwork and get some stuff straightened out but I just couldn't concentrate. Of course I could haul all of my papers somewhere else. That is probably what I will end up doing I guess. Problem solved.
Great the drunk just walked by mumbling at the other one who found her Vodka bottle.
I feel like a little quiet mouse just wanting off of the ship of fools.
Too much TOO much community!!!!!! I want to be alone!!! OR just away from certain people.
Ha
Meh:
I'm tired.
Last night histrionic or compulsively manipulative air-talker. What ever she is....was up at midnightish crying and babbling incoherent nonsense to herself. "recovering" in theory drug addict and alcoholic--GO FIGURE--they always find a way of manipulating the people around them.
She talks so much that she can't even stop talking in the middle of the night she has to talk to herself. Plus she is talking about wanting to kill people in the middle of the night. --How is that not disruptive to the peace of everyone around her?
Somehow this personality type has an impact on all those around her. I cant stand the cr@zy B*tch.
I think 75% of these people are still on drugs even though the ones that are here are suppose to be in recovery.
So I'm reminded that some of the people I have to share time and space with have psychiatric problems that are more severe then seems at first sight. Since there is nobody here who is actually a psychiatrist to evaluate these people better it's rather volatile.
I don't really care if they pass out in their own little corner or cry, the thing is I just don't want to be wrangled into it and simple because I exist I do get wrangled into it as soon as people start talking to me even if I don't respond. That is enough to constitute a conversation and a "relationship" of strange sorts.
I wish I could aim an African safari animal style tranquiler dart at them.
Someone told me I would be a good social worker the other day....Ha...There is no way in heck I would EVER want to do that.
I can't stand how needy and immature some people are and they just piss me off.
"Child protective services hates you? Oh really....um and maybe I do too!!"
Ok, so I'm looking forward to a better week next week or a better month next month or maybe a better year next year.
Maybe I will write down some goals you know.
I feel out of place. About 80% or more of the people who end up where I am are substance abuse users with associated psychiatric illnesses....in some ways that is the worst company I could have because that is pretty much my FOO that I'm overtime distancing myself from.
Maybe it's therapeutic, maybe it's god's way of making sure I understand what it means for me to (FOCUS ON ME & TAKE CARE OF ME & PUT ME FIRST). That is a pretty good place for me to start with my goals that I'm reluctant to write down because its only words...but I will work on it.
Off do to something constructive for me and LIMIT the time I spend focused on others who are inconsiderate enough to let their crazy loose for everyone else to deal with.
Meh:
I'm looking at my last post and how pissed I was getting.
I feel much calmer at the moment though--but looking at the last post I can see this person was really pushing my buttons.
I think it's because she literally talked nonstop for at least 6 hours+.
I should have been paid a therapists wage just for being in ear shot of this person. I won't repeat it here I can't even stand it.
Looking back at my last post it seems sort of harsh maybe. There is some sort of steel armor I have been building up against alcoholics my whole life.
I shouldn't write this is sounds "immature"
The thing is life has taught me that I am not very valuable to any body in the end when things shake out.
So I figure in a callus way I don't owe compassion to any person (some days)
Isn't that a dark place.
But looking at my last prior post it kind of looks like I wasn't in my right mind either.
That's some really toxic toxic stuff.
Geeze I'm reading my lasts posts and I'm seeing how emotionally hard I have become as a person.
I don't know that I want to be perceived that way by others or that I want to live in the world that way IF I was living in the world with people that I cared about I might be a difficult person for them. That is a what if.
Emotional survival is hard and weird whatever that is. I do believe that me being an emotionally hardened person is also what saves me from drowning in this world.
I feel like being a callus person relates to me being focused rather then distracted. ???
Of course it's my mother who has told me I'm cold and callus. There are people I just can't tolerate being soft around...because maybe its an affront against my soul?
Anyways I'm tired this is a pointless ramble. I was just surprised at how irritable I became and its reflected in what I wrote.
I really am an irritable person right now. How weird is that?
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