Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

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Meh:
Today, I got three things done that I really needed to do. yay. Miss Do-Do list is still not content. That is why there is Miss Give Her Credit.

I feel worried.

I feel like cooking stuff.

I probably need Mr. Chop Wood Carry Water right now.

And Mr & Miss Executive Director Decision Makers.

Meh:
Right now, I have change and transition and instability fatigue.

Unless I'm coming down with an illness.

It could be anything really.

All I know is that I'm depleted.

When I get this way I also get negative tend to focus on what is wrong with everything.

Good news is that the woman who passed out in the kitchen was kicked out. yay

She also threw her cigarette stubs on the carpet and left behind rotten food for someone else to clean up.

It's true, the stereotype about trashy people not taking care of anything, it's not just because they are poor and cant afford to, it's because they are trash and the world is just a big piece of cr@p to them.

I'm not allowed to say it but there, I did!

Meh:
Yay!!!!!!

The stuff I was writing, well, guess what---It has been funded for both projects. Yay!!!!!!!! Yay!!!!!

I ate three pieces of pizza too many (don't think I've ever eatten that much pizza in my life) and a beer.

Chatted with a handfull of people behind the scenes that I have been volunteering with and it felt really really really good.

Tonight I have a feeling of satisfaction.

Meh:
Somebody wants sugar. There is no sugar. The person is looking in cupboards climbing on chairs on top of refrigerators to find sugar to put in their coffee.

I think to myself well, I have a lot of too-sweet granola bars. I think about offering one to the person to eat with their coffee.

I think about it multiple times and I have to stop myself from the compulsion to help.

I realize that the sugar seeker is not helping me in little ways like this. I realize that I actually went through a considerable amount of effort to acquire the granola bar resource...ha..ha.

It's an insignificant example with no consequences either way if I choose to share or not to share. But my point is I'm so compelled to do this sort of thing for other people that it's like a knee jerk reaction. I feel responsible somehow. And I'm just not. And it's appeasing to. Feel responsible for making the people around me happy. When if they had planned a little better themselves they would have some granola bars to eat with their coffee. Or maybe they have some but it never occurred to them to use it in place of puting sugar in the liquid...eating something sweet is just as good as puting into the coffee itself.

Little things that I know that help me get along in life without feeling deprived. It's not my responsibility to figure out stuff like this for other people. Stupid simple stuff. Like the people who complain there is no room in the refrigerator are the same people that have three half used milk cartons in there and big bottles of unopened stuff that doesn't need to be refrigerated.

No, I'm not rescuing others in big ways or little ways from their own ignorance especially since the ignorance also takes the form of inconsideration.

Leting it go.

Only point is I noticed my IMPULSE to appease and make things better for those around me even when they do nothing to contribute to my well-being and are not even friends. This is a very good place for me to practice NOT doing these things. 

Meh:
Not so much a need for emotional caring because I DID survive without that and I think maybe in the long run it made me stronger but her neglectful decision making style had results that lived on with me still to this day.

The things she was doing for me was a "show of interest" not authentic interest.
My mother has a consciousness style of "Is anybody there" "yoo-hoo anybody home"

Disassociation where her body is there but she doesn't ever connect even if she is talking and doing stuff she is out of reach.

She is not very self-reflective and her motivations for any "positive" relations comes from other people's prompting rather then her own desire to have a good relationship with family.

Her husband is a resource for her. She is a female who lives like a leach off of men to have a better lifestyle but she doesn't seem to grow a deeper relationship...but maybe that's just my imagination making stuff up. Maybe that is all any male and female does. The men that she ends up with seem pretty one-dimensional as well.

The inability to have an honest conversation because her DENIAL is HUGE.

My mother was never able to be a protector as a parent.
My mother was never able to be a friend.
My mother was never able to put in thoughtfulness when it was imperative like in medical decisions when I was a kid.
My mother reflected back to me that I was not valuable.

When my mother was married to my father I was just a bargaining token.

I didn't have proper shoes in winter, I wore sandals sometimes and lightweight clothes even when it was too cold.
I never had nice things but I didn't know any better, AND we always had cable television.
She likes to watch a lot of TV.
She was never proud of me, she never once said that she was.

She likes to start verbal arguments--and they are not rational arguments so there is no way to resolve them.

Disruption   Chaos

One time I didn't talk to her for about six months or so, then she went to a counselor, she was nice to me for about 2.5 weeks that was interesting and strange....it only proves that she is capable of being nicer. Then she just lapsed back to her regular psycho-b!tch self. She only went to the couselor because my grandmother no doubt asked her why we aren't speaking. I didn't trust it, but it felt a lot better for that 2.5 weeks.

My mother has never had a real discussion with me that goes back and forth. She can only manage stupid questions that usually involve how much did you pay for that piece of tissue paper?

I'm at the point personally though that I'm uncovering so many personal challenges for myself related to voicelessness that have nothing to do with my mother's current actions. So I'm focusing more and more on me and trying to work on myself, and that feels like the right place to be.

I just don't give a cr@p anymore about her because she never gave a cr@p about me.

Sabotage....
She wasn't capable of teaching me how to ride a bike...that one really sticks out to me it's the example of everything else.
I felt like a failure.

Someone else taught me how to ride a bike, a friend of the family woman, took her about 10 minutes and she purchased a used bike from a garage sale. Just a different energy allowed me to be successful.
To put it very simply, the woman who taught me how to ride a bike LIKED me.
My mother does not like me. Plain and simple. I don't feel the need anymore to figure out the reason why. I just accept it on some level.
It's an imperfect world with a lot of screwed up people...some of them have children....and some of those children are us.

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