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Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

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Meh:
I said yes to a volunteer event that I should have said NO for, I didn't think it through, and when I say Yes usually more interesting things end up happening, this time though I'm annoyed that the originator of the idea is going to devote no time working on this project ( an idea that I think has a pointless outcome ).....Whatever.

It's going to be another one of those "Doing less than I am Capable Of" Experiences....the flip side is I could be capable of more....but again where are the other people who all want to take credit for this project....where are their capable hands? So I just do my little part---as befits me and not make my part larger then life....I'm just one working for nothing volunteer...on a project that my heart is not into....well actually it pisses me off a little. Geesh....just another thing to get through. I can DO IT.

I burden myself with believing I have a lot of responsibility even when I don't. The other areas of my life need to be nurtured also.

Really I should look at it this way, this is a lame gig, the director should be happy to have anyone doing it because she really just needs it to happen, and I'm going to be there all night interfacing with people in theory.....that in its self is a big STRETCH for my personality.

I have blue ink under my nails. I seem like a flake (I think). And I'm distracted.

The Do- Know is telling me to keep doing constructive things even if I don't get paid for them or the outcome is yet to be seen or if I am cynical...the Do-Know tells me to keep on....communicating and living the best I can.

The Do-know....

Oh hey, My beans "for the community"....so one bean per person....get yer knife and fork....well they popped up this morning!!!!!
YAY.....

The most blessed event that happened to me all day was seeing the little bean plants coming up through the dirt.

Then I got to tell a bible thumper who was trying to start a conversation with me while I was having a conversation with my N-mother via my phone--- to sort of tell her what I thought.

(Gosh that's a big toss up....who do I talk with... Nar-mother or Religious Fanatic   :))

I had to tell her three times "I'm on the phone and having a conversation".. then I said "Good bye" to her face.....before she would go away and she was trying to shove literature into my hand but I wouldn't grab it....then when I got off the phone she came up to me again and was still trying to give me the religious brochures.... I told her that I thought she was being rude, I told her that I was having an important conversation...
She told me that her brochure was very important too.....I said "it's not important to me, maybe it is to you".... I got that last part from a therapist I'm certain somehow that last bit came from therapy somehow.

I would describe these people as having an internal dialogue about their religious beliefs that is so pervasive and overpowering that they can not hear other people at all. I could see it in her face that no matter what I said she had an internal come-back to my every NO. Oh well.
NO, NO, No, NO, NO....IS a GREAT word .

Anyways, it was my weird moment of the day of practicing voicefulness, I told her how I felt, that it was rude for her to interupt me and try to stick stuff in my hands. I still felt uncomfortable having that conversation....I started to feel like the people around us were starting to pay attention even though both of our voices were still normal talking voice I guess I was obviously uncomfortable with her...because she wasn't going to take "NO to her religious group" for an answer. But I still said NO and I didn't take her paper.

It's really little things that are assertiveness experiences...weird but telling an aggressive bible thumping woman "NO" is enough to make my heart race..and that's a pretty mild "conflict" really.

Think the hard thing about the assertiveness is not just the words that are spoken but it's the physical sensations that go along with having to say NO or to express displeasure to someone. Because no-one is ever going to be receptive to negative feedback...or displeasure...

Meh:
Last evening I was thinking something about Voicelessness & Emotional Survival and what these things even mean to me if anything.

Voicelessness as a concept is easier for me to grasp in a functional way compared to Emotional Survival, the Emotional survival part is something that sounds more like nonsense in a way. Maybe because there is nobody really that I share my emotions with in 3-D that cares about my life.

I can be an active listener to some strangers story and every thing they want to tell me about something, when they in turn ask me a question they listen for about two seconds to me and then they get distracted doing something else.

Obviously these people want to talk and be heard but rarely does anyone really want to know about other's or care. Only to the degree that it's self-serving are humans interested in other humans.

Doesn't that leave me with my own emotions being a private and internal affair with myself....that is how I have always seen it.

Today, I don't even know what my emotions are, my back is sore I know that, my neck is stiff....

I'm worried....it's a kind of anxiety that I sort of suppress because I would be flipping out if I was to be fully into my emotions.

Survival sometimes depends on not acting on emotions. Survival also isn't enough.

I'm tired of just surviving. I could be in a car-crash-induced coma and that is technically surviving if my heart is still beating, but who is going to pay attention to my beating heart if my complaining mouth is paralyzed and can't speak and even if it could who would care.

"Who Cares".....is a comment that I heard a lot from one of my old co-workers and is sort of stuck with me.

If some people have a space that is filled with love by other's....there are some people like myself who have a space that has to be filled with "love" for myself---by ME.

So I think some people fill this space with television and food and stuff.

I fill my space with writing, and crafty stuff sometimes and food sometimes and maybe thinking that results in nothing.

What if I only allowed myself to think about essential things for one day or one week or one hour.

Back to the question "Where is the Do Know".......always taking the mystical route...asking self questions.

The Do Know is related to a confidence that the SELF has or does not have. A confidence about being OK in the world, have space and a place even if the scenery in the window passes by. The DO-KNOW is not the scenery. Its in the car passing through the scenery.

I've had way too much scenery lately.

Meh:
I was doing very good with acting like I was not-depressed. Keeping myself busy with all sorts of stuff.

Now that I have been reeling myself back in a little bit and doing less because of my foot...I have been sleeping more...and I don't want this to be the start of another depression-episode thing.

Sometimes I just don't know what to focus on in life anymore. I'm sort of dumbfounded with where life has taken me....and the things that went wrong along the way were not all a result of me just deciding to walk down the wrong road.

The whole FOO problems is a wrong road to start out on.

The other day I was volunteering with the kid's program and I watched a father playing with his two kids, he was shaking a wet tree so the water would fall on the kids as if it was raining....and I guess this was great fun for them, he was walking down an alley with the kids between puddles and showing his son some weird way of walking sideways....and I guess this was great fun also.

I have a hard time watching these things a little, I guess they make me sad, it's not only a sadness for an event or a loss of the past but it's present also. I think that's something that some people don't get the past is not always the past. Sometimes the present is the past as much as it always has been.

Meh:
So, again I am suppose to meet with my mother (missed/avoided her on Easter).

Maybe I should ask her if one hour is enough time. Make it short. Well, I don't have to ask her I can just have that as my personal goal. AND then afterwards to celebrate that she is gone I will go get one of the very best cupcakes that ever existed on the face of the planet all by myself. AND since it's her stupid Birthday, I found a used scarf that I will offer to her, that is the best I can do, afterall I'm busy and poor person eh hem sound familiar ma? She has given me broken used junk for my birthday before so I can do the same for her...problem solved. Life is so much easier for Narcissists since they never really work too hard to make other people happy....if I work as least as little as she does it helps me out a lot.

On a totally different note I'm starting to wonder to myself if volunteer has really filled any gap in my life.
I can honestly say that IT IS NOT ENOUGH.

That would be the DO KNOW speaking a little the DO KNOW says NO it's not enough it is just another branch on the tree but not the trunk of the tree.

I like volunteering sometimes but I'm not fullfilling the important things in my life that are MY LIFE by doing it. That's just the truth of the matter.

I don't know if I can really DO more though. I just don't know how much I can push myself to do, I think I will make myself miserable in failed attempts to fix me. HOW CAN I BE ME PERFECTLY JUST THE way I am, if I am living such so far off course from who and what I wanted to be?

Cup of tea, take a breather and pray again. ? Futile

Meh:
Not optomistic tonight. Dark and horrible really is what I see as clear-seeing of life.

Sometimes I wonder if I might be finished with writing about Narcissism or whatever my mother's un-love stems from.
Also wonder if I have done all the introspecting and research paper reading I can stand to do on that subject.
No matter how well I think I could understand one problem in my life I can't change it so why bother understanding it I don't care. I care more about "healing" any damage if that is at all possible and tonight at least I believe that I can not.

Plus Nar-mom is only the tip of the iceberg that is chunking off ice cube trails through life.

I was reading some advice a writing teacher gives to student writers and it was to "Stay with the Difficult".

But for how long, and why not "Break off from the difficult" if there will never ever be any resolution there is only the possibility of rekindling greif, stoking the flames of self-punishment like cutting oneself or picking the same scab, I mean other's will pick our scabs no? So why do it to one's self sometimes I ask. Somehow "staying with the difficult" is voyeuristically fine for the reader but NOT GREAT in just trying to get through one day to the next.

My fear is I spend my whole life trying to get through one day to the next until all my days are used up...then some cruel fairy comes down on a spider web and says I didn't use my days wisely....there is just absolutely NO WISDOM for some problems.

Anyways this is the funk I'm in tonight.
I would like to find something to dissappear into. A job a task that I can close the door behind me for years and years and never "interact" or whatever (THIS) is called.

I don't even know if the concept of voice matters to me anymore. I just don't know tonight.

What I do know. Is that when I ask real questions like "Where is the DO-KNOW"? I do get answers and they are very very hard to hear and see. I don't want to look at the real answers because they sometimes are not warm and freindly and optomistic.

I think I have been in self deception with false optimisim sometimes.

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