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Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

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Meh:
Came across a story yesterday about a woman with some social acceptance struggles etc. I was researching a personal issue of mine and then happened along this, I thought okay maybe I identify with her a bit. Then when I tried to find out more information I discovered that she died of a drug overdose. Go figure. So that added a little bit to the funk that I'm in today.

There are some things I have figured out/decided that will never be whole or healed about myself, typically I don't focus on them, maybe that is denial or avoidance but it's also just trying to exist on planet earth.....well....some times this stuff gets scratched up out of the dirt I tried to bury myself into...and there it is...and then my emotional state is like the sky has turned black from volcanic ash for days, there is a haze in my personal internal landscape even if I don't try to expose it too much to the world. I got up and went to get some coffee this morning to get away from chronic-crisis-creators, I knitted some, made a too-do list for the priorities to work on this afternoon. Got some packaged food that I don't have to cook, and decided why I don't I try to make life easier on myself sometimes, ate it and felt like crying a little bit but also knowing that sometimes extended life long grieving is just a huge burden, or thinking a few weeks from now this will have passed and I will have sent the problem back down into the lava pit from whence it came to be covered again with more layers of dirt.

Some times can one do more than to hide certain issues to oneself, painful, singularly personal issues?

I'm tired of pretending to be strong sometimes. Sometimes I just want to be flawed and hurt and broken because it's a lot of work to pretend like I am not a broken person sometimes.

I have support group class thingy that I'm suppose to go to about getting back into school or something-where I fill out endless interest surveys etc. I'm thinking about ditching the next class because I just don't feel up to it emotionally AND the instructor is not careful sometimes to gracefully just sit on the sidelines and half participate.

Sometimes I feel like my comfort level/energy level is half-participation. The instructor is not a therapist and doesn't really have the right to persist past peoples comfort levels with her proding. Thats it I'm not going. My little heart of dark-sky horizon wants a quiet place and a private place to live out it's grieving moments......AND maybe it is self-care to say NO sometimes to others, and NO to social groups. I don't like social grieving and patting on the back in public...there is nothing healing about that as far as I'm concerned. I'm allowed to be a dark horse on a black ash volcanic island far-way sometimes. I don't have to let ignorant classmates say dumb stuff to me if I'm having a bad day.

I feel so much better that I decided that I don't have to interact with them today, the dumb survey assignment stuff and "Self-Esteem" cr@p is just so off the mark with me, on another planet.

And that's okay, I'm okay to be on my own unique path in life, I don't have to make it fit anybody elses....today.

Okay so now back to my personal to-do list.

Meh:
Layed down for a moment just to catch my breath and ended up falling asleep, a nice nap in the sunshine. For a moment as I woke fully my mind had stopped thinking, stopped worring, it was a quiet mind moment with sunlight on my cheek on some pink cloth and I was cozy and wondered if I could decide at that momet to do EVERYTHING DIFFERENTLY as new-agers suggest it's all a matter of what (I) think. Didn't last very long though.

I did a small amount of organizing.

I thought about what I am suppose to give my mother for her birthday about 3-4 times today.

I thought about how my truth is that right now I feel valueless to others. I mean I somewhat believe in me just for ME's sake. Like art just for art's sake.

Me just for ME's sake is very very different than the self-esteem exercizes related to career and education choice that they are trying to get me to do in that stupid class that I ditched.

Meh:
Me just for Me's Sake /You just for you's Sake /Art just for Art's Sake

If you are a work of art with a value that is extraordinarily impossible to estimate because of your intrinsic uniqueness...what would you say about yourself? What would your artists statement (The informative text next to an art piece) say? What would the highlights and the shadows and the out-of-focus areas, the muted tones and the bold shapes all together in composition say about you?

Certainly no person is a blank canvas or an uncarved totem pole.
If I was a piece of art...

I think I would have a lot of little unfinished sections, some areas with ZIG ZAGS for stress.
 
I would want to have a light effect with shadows that move like the way a shadow gets tall or short while the sun is moving across the sky.
But honestly I just see a heap of junk-sculpture thing with random stuff sticking out of it.

It's pretty hard to sum up the whole of a peson's life experience or personality, I don't think I like the idea of me being summarized or symbolized, I want to always have an unknown part of my life for possibility-whatever shape that takes, even if it's not the possibility that I would hope for. I think I depend on the unknowns- believing that somewhere in the unknown in still something that will redeem me.

I'm a white earthen clay junk sculpture with random stuff sticking out of it with unfinished sectioned areas, I sit in a sandy area maybe a desert. Some areas with doors and keys and windows. There are some overlaying metallic ZIG ZAGS for stress and the sharp angles of life. There is some water symbol in there also for the few graceful moments there have been if any. I would want to have a light effect with dark shadows that move like the way a shadow gets tall or short while the sun is moving across the sky.

Meh:
Well I got through the day with my mother.

A point of maturity maybe is that it dawned on me to say to myself "Don't expect any resolution to happen, nothing will be resolved today and there is no point in trying to resolve any disfunction just BE CHILL".

So when I was younger I would try to force resolution and bring up stuff that was hurtful and try to talk about it but I gave it up.

Still all the processing that I have done here has been valuable because I pick up on the subtle things that have impacted me. I can sort of deal with it consciously if I notice the slight of hand happening now it's no longer like a subliminal message of how terrible I am. I can see how I am devalued and that it's part of the family script.

Meh:
Today is just a day by myself. I'm back with the previous self-advice I applied to interacting with my mother and now I'm trying to apply the same logic on being with mySELF, (Don't expect any resolutions).

I can make decisions A or B WITHOUT expecting any big resolutions to occur as a result of those decisions. That's smart actually. Thinking about it that way lightens some of the pressure of decision making.

(I believe that I am) overwhelmed with decisions to consider and figure out and I have been feeling guilty for not working harder on it.

I feel bad and stupid about this.

I'm agonizing or punishing myself for it.

Random thought: Boredom can be a luxury. One time I was bored on an island in a little make-shift library and every single book was interesting enough to hold my attention and was worthy of my interest.

I felt guilty because I had an important thing to do and I missed part of it. But the previous night there was a Mexican party that was working on my eardrums with high-energy Mexican music chi-ca-bink-a-ahh-a--ahhhh--boom--chi-boom-chi-ca-bink-a--ahhhh-boom. There was music flooding at least a two block radius around the party and my earplugs that I do have because I'm a prepared person half way at least--they were out of my reach that night. Whatever I didn't wake up at 6:30 AM on the weekend to get somewhere in the rain.

Without (Miss bored) there are too many competing things to do like eating. I can make food my whole priority for a day's events although I need to do other things I zero in on food probably because I have been telling myself the mantra "food is one of the only pleasures I get out of life". Or maybe the eating came before the mantra and the mantra is a description not an incantation for stuffing my face. Doesn't matter I had great Ethiopian food today, it's enough to make me feel like I have died and gone to heaven..because some days I have literally been eating moldy bread. Gross just thinking about it.

So good food is a luxury and when I manage to make somethin really good out of foodbank stuff I feel like I have triumphed. I know I need to think about more serious stuff BUT these little things help me to not be totally despaired--because the "serious stuff" does nothing to uplift my spirit and keep me afloat.

I ate Ethiopian food by my self, alone just to be nice to my-SELF.

I put on a thin cotton summer dress today and I have been gaining weight. Not going to go crazy over it or anything.
Just wish I had more muscle tone and was taking care of myself better.

I have been meaning to write down goals but in my head maybe I make it too complicated.

I think the goals have to NOT be place-dependent.

So for exercise if I at least stretch for 15-20 minutes a day that is a start and I can do that a lot of places it must not be restricted to a gym.

I didn't so much as stretch today but I wiggled for 10 minutes, sort of random stretching with a little made up dancing and that was enough to make me feel a little better for a few minutes. So even just that remembering of my body for a few minutes is better than nothing. YES it is much better than nothing at all.

I feel guilty for not taking better care of myself. I feel guilty for not getting to where I (should) have been earlier. But did I NEED to be there- was it the right place for me? Am I trying to conform myself to fit a box that I don't fit? A square peg into a star shaped hole?

Positive things are:    

I ate yummy food.
I pulled out some weeds.
I did make it to where I needed to go even if I was late I didn't miss out completely.
I read a part of a "self-helpish" type book.
I thought about goals even if I didn't write them down contract style.
God, you are within me right now and you are helping me through my job search and helping me find the perfect job for me.
I took a shower (I'm at the point where I don't really care if I brush my hair in the morning, I don't wear make up and I don't style my hair so the next step down is not even brushing it at all, or not looking at it to see if it needs to be brushed or to even contemplate that.

I know that the things I did were some what mindless but I was aware of it at least a little bit. It was sort of mindful-mindlessness.

What could I write here that would matter? Sometimes I wonder what all these words are worth. I wonder if writing here is part of healing voicelessness, I think sometimes it is but other times I come here and I don't feel anything powerful in the putting down of my daily minutia. But my daily minutia is important to recognize because it's normal human stuff that I'm doing but I believe or think or say to myself that I can't afford to be doing minutia at all really. Pressure.

Where is the Do KNOW?

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