Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Coming here to vent.
I feel so angry when I have explained and described something to my mother about 10 times, things that are important to me.
She will look like she is listening sort of but in a distracted detached way, it's like it doesn't go through or she just doesn't get it, or is in denial or something, she just doesn't give a sh*t.
Then at a later time she will say something to me that demonstrated that what ever I said to her 10 times went through one ear and out the other something that sounds idiotic to me.
And maybe that is part of her not seeing me or acknowledging that I'm a separate real entity because she reflects back some warped version. It just feels sick and never ends.
She pisses me off. There is no solution except for zero contact even limited contact becomes problematic.
There is a horrendous abundance of terrible advice and all I can think is I can hear it but I don't have to take it. .....
You Can Lead A Horse To Poison But You Can't Make It Drink
Meh:
At the grocery store this was on the speaker system, this poem.
I like this poem. Going to stick it here for the moment. Charles Bukowski. Reminds me of attempting a version of voicefulness. Different versions of the experience of voicefulness.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5GXCwjIuwc Tom Waits reads it
The Laughing Heart
your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.
A few more:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ai_bGyLOspw&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80Rwq3swNAU&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPzWLPAxn1o&feature=related
I found this also...one poem in the grocery store leads me to more Bukowski stuff:
ON PSYCHIATRY:
"What do psychiatric patients get? They get a bill.
I think the problem between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist goes by the book, while the patient arrives because of what life has done to him or her. And even though the book may have certain insights, the pages are always the same in the book, and, each patient is a little bit different. There are many more individual problems than pages. Get it? There are too many mad people to do it by saying, "dollars per hour, when this bell rings, you're finished." That alone will drive any near-mad person to madness. They've just started to open up and feel good, when the shrink says, "Nurse, make the next appointment," and they've lost track of the price, which is also abnormal. It's all too stinking worldly. The guy is out to take your ass. He's not out to cure you. He wants his money. When the bell rings, bring in the next "nut." Now the sensitive "nut" will realize when that bell rings, he's being fucked. There's no time limit to curing madness, and there's no bills for it either. Most psychiatrists I've seen look a little close to the edge themselves. But they're too comfortable...I think they're all too comfortable. I think a patient wants to see a little madness, not too much. Ahhhh! (bored) PSYCHIATRISTS ARE TOTALLY USELESS! Next question? "
Meh:
Thought I would come here and write a little. A couple of nights ago I had a telephone conversation with my mother one of the topics being that she wanted to tell me to go see a psychiatrist.
This isn't anything new. My mother and my aunt (her sister) jointly managed to get my brother committed into a psychiatric ward a few years ago. Surprise! That didn't really help him any, hasn't changed anything in his life for the better. Surprise!
My aunt and uncle would never have their daughter put into a psychiatric ward, it would never happen because they are *too good for that*.
So since my mother periodically tells me to go see a psychiatrist I'm not surprised by it because she has done it before.
I've seen a lot of counselors and yes even a psychiatrist years back who didn't diagnose me with anything like what my mother seems to want me to be diagnosed with (terminal badness and unlovableness).
I'm almost too tired to even bother to write for whatever reason. Because it's the same story and the same conversation but still I feel like I still need to write it out. debrief.
So when she started the topic again of me going to go see a psychiatrist I stood up to her pretty well. It didn't break down into an all out argument which is typically what she is trying to start with me is arguments. Then at one point in the conversation she started telling me about her seeing a counselor and she said that she had to go see a counselor twice in one week as if it's my fault. She said it was because she was stressed out over my situation but then I pointed out to her that nothing has changed with my situation to make her stressed out. She just got back from visiting my brother though in another state. So I said to her "maybe this has more to do with you visiting him then it does with me, he is pretty disturbed".
I think she has the hope that one day she will find a counselor who will tell her to set me on fire.
Between my freaky mother and my alcoholic freaky brother I somehow become the scape goat for them (or they try). But this time she admitted "yes he is really disturbed". Of course it doesn't ever sink into her idiot brain that it has a lot to do with her abuse.
So when she started to launch into telling me about her counseling session :roll: I told her I didn't want to know what she discusses with her counselor. I said thats between you and your counselor and I don't need to know that. She kept on talking so I reiterated and then she finally stopped telling me.
The whole conversation was a bullshit conversation. A crazy making bullshit conversation. Even though I didn't let it get to me because it's become so predictable it's easy to maneaver around her now.
Meh:
Voicelessness appears to be a trend in my life not just a dynamic from my childhood but a repeating pattern in the same way that patterns of abuse are repeating.
Meh:
I have some awareness of an internal voicefulness even when I am in the midst of a powerless voiceless situation where I am being abused. If that is possible. To me that internal voicefulness seems to be along the same lines as a personal sense of morality and I even attribute it to certain types of educational experiences.
I want to write more about this how it's possible to have voicefulness in my mind? if not in an interaction with certain other people.
Does voicefulness always have to be verbalized or is it a state of mind as much as it's literally a voice acknowledged...
Is there such thing as a personal internal voicefulness
Is there such thing as a personal internal voicefulness even in a losing battle, a bad hand of cards, amidst an overpowering hostility. In these situations even when there is not an externally expressed voicefulness and voicelessness appears to be beaten down and in...is their still a personal voice...an internal dialogue...that is voiceful and is that enough?
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