Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Finding Voicefulness: I have not been actively searching for it recently or aware of it too much.
Losing: I don't think that I have been losing more than typical. I have not been regularly exercising it. I admit in this area I feel a loss for simply not having someone close to me that I speak to. I don't share personal stuff with the people around me, the dumb details of my day or just my thoughts really. The very little things that people who know each other well talk about.
Practicing: Not so much.
I haven't been thinking about Narcissism very much- hey but now that I'm on the board:
Recently I watched a movie with a young woman that is severely bulemic or something. I think she eats but throws it up. I cooked her a meal the other day and then we watched a movie. I've met her mother who doesnt seem overly concerned with her daughter's illness and somehow I see that as being bad but I'm likely to sometimes glaze over in my mind how my own mother has also been a bad mother to me. It's just weird seeing into another disfunctional mother-daughter relationship. My mother always talks to me as if all the BS in my life is normal and sometimes I begin to think that it is.
It's strange listening to the young woman, she has counselors and she has social workers around her who can visually see her physical situation but none of them seems able to really help her. I guess she can't afford to go to a treatment center or something like that.
She expressed to me that the women in her church group don't include her very much and she feels like an outsider, she also mentioned that she feels like she can't identify with the frivolity of the young church women.
I would say that no matter what life changing and grief-full issue a family faces, whatever hardship that a family is up against, if it is poverty or illness in the family,it is maybe tolerable to live through it as a "part of life". Yet when a family is full of disfunction these things are intolerable because there is already existing a deep ground work of emotional betrayal, abuse and neglect.
For a while I struggled with why it's difficult to take in some family's stories of hardship and it's because they are functional and the hardship they have is normal. Then there are some families whose hardship is in a whole other realm such as the young woman's.
It's really not what I need to be focused on though.
Nothing bad occured and nothing good occured today. That is fine.
I'm reading a good book, the kind of book that makes me feel smarter afterwards for having had read it.
Earlier there was a fuzzy crecent moon behind some sky moisture.
Night.
Meh:
The last couple of days I have had a few little stupid things happen that has been equivalent to someone dropping stones into my typically quite, bottomless pit of growing anger.
I have that road rage feeling where I want to flip people off, about every third person.
Someone asked my how I was a couple days ago, I answered "bitchy". She said okay I'll leave you alone. I said "Okay".
She asked me if I was any less bitchy today, I said: Today I'm psychotically bitchy.
Thing is I feel psychotically bitchy but I've never been great at being mean.
I'm going to give myself a little time to figure out what to do with my psychotic bitchiness. Okay screen is cutting me off. I will start another.
Meh:
When I'm this angry, I think I almost start to hallucinate. It's like blind rage, I start to not make sense anymore.
I know exactly what is making me flip out. It's not one little thing, it's numerous unresolved things.
I got some kung fu movies from the library, maybe if I watch them it will somehow be a psychological outlet for my pissyness.
Unfortunately for me when I get to this point I throw around these looks of disgust and hate to just about everybody indiscriminately.
So since there is no real processing for me to do since I have processed every little pathetic aspect of my life into a fine powder.....uh...maybe I just need to go on that picnic. There is a park by a lake that I can get to that I have been wanting to explore. I have a picnic blanket and a picnic book and a picnic bag. And a picnic outfit.
Just a new little place is a good way to get some perspective. It's summer so I'm going on a big F-ing picnic.
Meh:
Tempted to write "nothing important to say".
Feeling a little mellow, not so much relaxed just mellow. Walked down a quiet country road this evening and enjoyed it. Saw a deer and decided not to get too close, been told they have sharp claws.
I think I should enjoy life in private, seems like whenever I do something good for myself there is someone who wants to distract me from doing it, or thinks "there is a person who has too much time on their hands, or there is a person who isn't working hard enough".
anyways that might be it for my writing
maybe my voice is tired
Yes, my voice is tired of being voiced, I don't feel like I have energy to tell the details any longer or at this moment.
Meh:
Came here to write then erased. Just don't feel like it. All just little bits and pieces, snippits.
Things that do and don't matter. Looking down at baby fish shadows under a bridge. Neighbor who is afraid of chemotherapy.
The To-Do's that got done and the To-Do's that didn't get done.
I'm uncertain about everything. My stuff is a mess, I have cinnamon graham crackers crushed into my church made quilt. I have wilted sweetpea and nasturtium flowers flopping in a found vase. Cut out paper silhouettes and random paper snips mixed in with a cookbook from the 70's, a rolling pin used for dubious purposes, stinky black socks, fumigated toiletries, a bowl of kale greens dehydrating, hot sauce, a set of business slacks and top and floral silk scarf crumpled up in a ball in the corner on top of a stained yoga mat. Cans of beans. A towel that will not get clean no matter how many times I wash it. Hand me down disposable wall hooks that stick on with adhesive. Stuff.
Tomorrow is one massive To-Do. I better sleep.
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