Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

Responding to the it's okay to be needy in the Bukowsky on Psychiatry thread

I wish I could say it better, just want to say that this reminds me of my "neighbor"- "room-mate" who is the anorexic/bulemic. She has said to me casually a few times blurting out in the middle of conversations while I'm cooking in the kitchen about her being raped. And she sort of looks at me a little pleading so I listen to her and I try to be nice but being that she is not a friend of my choosing I don't give her a hug or anything because I just don't want to go there, I try to be nice but I don't feel like I can give her the kind of emotional support she needs. I don't want to be in that role. I guess it's just sort of a heavy thing to be in proximity to that is all. I don't blame her for her being 'needy' at all it's just that it's awkward. It's really sad. Truth is I'm a little afraid of what kind of emotional stuff she has in there. Or I guess what it really is maybe I don't want to go to her painful emotional places with her. She isn't a friend that I 'picked' she just kind of hovers around me when I cook and confides in me. I guess on some level I wish I could do more to help her out but I'm in such an F'ed up situation myself that I just want to deflect everybody else. I don't know, maybe I didn't say that well but just wanted to write it out there because it's been on my mind. Anyways that came up because a couple of days ago she was telling me that "people" blame her for the problems that she has. The best I could do was share with her my understandings from my own life as much as I have managed to understand and I told her that I believe that we aren't personally at fault for everything that happens to us in life. That there is a popular concept of self responsibility that is misused and people fall back on it too often without thinking before they talk. Self responsibility cant possibly mean that we have OMNIPOTENCE. It would be crazy making to be told that you are omnipotent.

Honestly sometimes there are just no words. I'm probably emotionally shut down and shuttered-up. I just haven't been around any 'normies' lately. In fact I was crying in the bathroom while I was brushing my teeth not sure if for myself or if for the "neighbor" or just in general and then someone came in and asked me if I was okay because I was sighing heavily. I don't think her inquiry was earnest I get the feeling like that person is looking for the cue to call the lunatic-wagon if such a thing even exists.

Anyways it's sort of off topic but I don't care I know that I am sensitive to this stuff I have learned from 'processing"in the past these kinds of experiences get to me and they lodge into my emotional warehouse.

Why on earth do people even have emotional warehouses? That weird mysterious place where we hold all of these memories and emotions.

I figure strangers shouldn't take up space in my emotional warehouse but they do. I figure I should have more control over my emotional warehouse by now what goes in there and what comes out but I don't! I don't even know why I am writing this I shouldn't be focusing on this at all is what I tell myself. I guess I am shocked at how horrible things can be and I feel like I have a darkness that is just growing in me like something that is a general hatred towards humanity. As immature as it is to think this way, seeing her situation just adds to me wanting to hate the world. It just makes the world look like a horrible place. I personally want to blame her step father and her mother for what they did to her but the lack of a "cure" for her situation makes me want to blame the whole freaking world in general. I guess this is what they call being "Mad At The World".

When she is making herself throw up in one of the stalls in the shared bathroom and I can hear her and I walk out of the room I feel like I am not properly being a witness to her situation. A few times I have imagined what it might be like if I said something to her about it but I don't because I know her emotional wounds are so deep and that I really don't want to take that on. I know this, I made my mind up about this sort of thing a long time ago to stay focused on my own sh*t but I still stuggle with it. I guess it's a confusing thing to witness.

I feel angry for what has been done to her, I feel frightened of being drawn into her emotional climate and I feel weary and tired of the energy expended to keep my walls up and keep people away and just trying to maintain a fake calm just to get by. There has got to be something better then this in life. I can't think about it anymore.

Can I just say that sometimes life freaks the sh*t out of me.

[Meh]

I just realized that my brother is on a medication that is an anti-psychotic/depression medication adjunct. I don't even know what that means right now. I get a really snarky attitude knowing that...and I say to myself that my mother has literally driven him insane. I don't really know if that is true if a psychiatrist would piece it together that way or not but it makes sense to me.

My mother had been saying that it was an antidepressant and it is but it's also an antipsychotic whatever that means. She also was suggesting that I get on it also of course. So basically my mother would like both of us to be on anti-psychotic medication! Why doesnt her warped world contain aliens and ufos and the star ship enterprise so she can zip around at warp speed in her warped universe! Why doesnt she look crazy to anybody? Why is her form of crazy so insidiously nuanced that no body recognizes it.  Venting here.

Really my main task at hand is to stay safe and stay sane.

[Meh]

Turns out bulimic girl has stolen something insignificant from me, something that I would have given her if I knew she has wanted it. This stupid little event did piss me off enough though, just the lack of having some courtesy towards me, the same courtesy that I give her. To bring up the word boundary into it. I suppose it's an additional reason not to be especially friendly with her.

[Meh]

contemplating if voicelessness is exactly the same as powerlessness
certainly one is powerless with voicelessness
the question that i ask for some reason is if in a powerless situation a person can still be voiceful whatever that means
overall i am struggling with a great sense of powerlessness even if I have looked at the situation quite a bit
whatever makes it easy, that part i am just in lack of

at about 1:00 AM I was playing a solitare game on my breaking computer something I have never done before because of the waste of it all. There is a feeling though, when I start to remember how to play it or figure it out, I have a vague rememberance of the rules from being a kid that after playing it a few times I get more points and I remember how to "win" at the game.

In life though it's as if the tricks and rules to "win" at the game are always elusive, always being wieled by the hands of others, not my own hands.
As with the game, that is easier along with knowing the rules, I have always imagined for the longest time that there were rules and tricks to being well, being okay, being safe, being fine, making a plan that works, ways to live without a lot of suffering. Then more recently I came to the mental state of no tricks or secret rules for to win only that some are "lucky" and some are "unlucky". It still doesnt help to think in luck or no luck terms either, then it come back around to the struggle with futile effort or give-up and do nothing. Then there is the embracing the do-nothing.

Sometimes I don't feel like myself anylonger. Like I look in the mirror and I remember the face I see and yes that is me, it's familiar. But my name, who I am, how I fill up my days build a person that isn't at all the person I intended to be, or the person I saw myself as.

Sometimes I have a hard time writing clearly what I even mean, the more stressed out I am the less sense my words make even in conversation.
I guess that is the absolute literal voicelessness when I go to speak and I choke on my own words unable to even say. It does happen sometimes.

I just wish that whatever period and phase of life I'm enduring would pass.