Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
Last night I was up until midnight googling maps of an old neighborhood where the woman who taught me to ride a bike lived.
I think she is probably deceased because she had a catastrophic illness the last time I saw her when I was a kid.
There are very few people in my life that are constants- the only constants have been the fam.
I was trying to find her death record not because I have hopes of her being alive and well --more because a death record says what day and year she passed away and where she is buried if anywhere.
I think when life is so inconsistent I go back to the only person that made me feel safe you know?
I couldnt remember the name of the street she lived on but I remember it was next an elementary school and I remember what the house looked like and there was a park nearby so I was trying to remember the name of the park. I couldnt figure it out BUT on the google map I saw a museum she took me to and a public rose garden that she took me to and a country-side park she took me to.
Seeing photographs I havent been to since I was a kid sort of freaked me out.....I've come a long way in life...only to end up here!
Childhood stuff always makes me sad but I think I was looking just to have some idea of familiar or something somewhere is the same.
That museum is still there and probably some of the displays inside the museum are the same. Maybe someday I will take a roadtrip and end up there again.
Why do we like to go back to places of our childhood? To me it is like a shocking reference point.
Guess what I have volunteer homework to do. I better go do it :D
I have faith in my own evolution and intuition, I don't have faith in the people and world around me.
Meh:
There is a mother-daughter team here. Mother is a recovering drug addict daughter is 20-something with some type of issue that I'm not sure I want to state because I don't know for sure...ok...maybe anorexic ??
It could be something else...but it's obviously very very serious stage whatever it is...
The mother sometimes talks to the daughter as if the daughter is this total pain in the rear-end...she isn't from what I can see. They were both going out together someone was picking them up and the daughter just needed to grab her coat and a few items (takes 1-2 minutes longer) mother made a big stink about the daughter taking so long--even though she really wasn’t taking an abnormal about of time. (Impatience)--and then the mother turns it into an issue by saying that the daughter is making it difficult for the mother to go out as if the daughter is dependent on her but from what I have witnessed the mother is more dependent on the daughter- asking her for money and for favors etc. etc. I haven’t seen the daughter ask the mother for anything.
Maybe I'm missing something but I think I am actually an observer of a type of emotional abuse, it would be interesting to know more about them but I don't really need to focus on that.
I think there is another woman here who is picking up on it also because she is really nice to the ill 20-something year old.
I have mixed feelings, I don't want to get involved in anyway I have even been warned by the director that as soon the women see me as being part of the turmoil here its not good. So far I'm cheerful and kind of talkative but not groupy.
I'm tempted to ask the daughter what she thinks about her interactions with her mother and what sort of health issue she has but that is not going to come to any good. I mean she has doctor's visits.
Meh:
I notice how I have a high energy level after I volunteer and then a little bit for the next day and then after that I lose my motivation to work on my little volunteer projects (this is when I am no longer there). When I say energy, it's not just like feeling good, it's that I'm engaged somehow and that I care and that I am motivated. That is the key thing I think...I feel motivated for a while.
I don't know, motivation is like caring about something or feeling good about a goal.
It's not the same as doing something out of fear. I hate when people say a person will be motivated when they are afraid enough or hurting enough. That's more like forced or coerced.
Fear and stress-suffering de-energize me, maybe compels me to act/respond in some way but it's not the same as good energy motivation.
I'm going to call good energy motivation "authentic motivation"
I think stress can over-power authentic motivation--even maybe to the point where a person can become so stressed out that they can't feel the authentic motivation and come to believe that they don't have authentic motivation in something due to lack of interest or connection with the activity when in reality it is stress that is clouding one's ability to experience the reward/joy from authentic motivation?
For example, say I wanted to go to Ireland on vacation and I have been planning it since I was 18 years old, then at some point years later stars align and I'm able to go to Ireland but a couple of days before my flight over there I have a panic attack or I'm so stressed out that I'm no longer excited about the trip that once beckoned to me. Then someone says to me "maybe you have grown out of it or it's no longer important for me to go"....then I may agree with them. When really the problem could have been my stress level not my lack of abilty to be passionate about life in someway.
Why don't we just call depression another word like stression instead?
I just think that when I was younger and the idea that depression and anxiety were real problems --gave me a big misunderstanding about myself.
I was excited when I volunteered because I got to listen to lots of people talk about interesting stuff, then after a few days, got my period and it's blowing freezing cold wind outside, and I just want to lay-down and take it easy. That doesnt make me depressed.
I'm afraid of the depressed label now to the point that if I spend a day just chilling there is like a part of me PUSHing from behind saying GET UP-GO-GET OUT AND FIX SOMETHING---FIX YOURSELF---FIX YOUR LIFE--HURRY---.
It's one thing to say that kids in a nar family maybe have on going stress and that is why they develop depression....and maybe it is another thing to say --kids in a nar family don't have a good understanding or experience of authentic motivation.
I guess I'm writing this because the women in my family do a lot of things with a big sense of grudge and burden as part of the motivation- or at least that is the message I got.
I don't think I had a healthy understanding of authentic motivation because I have had therapists ask me "what makes you happy"--and it was hard for me to answer that question because maybe I didn't understand the nuances of happy.
Maybe some people dont even learn to understand how to respect their own energy level and the fact that they change.
I mean a kid being subdued by parents in an on-going way has got to have poor sensitivity or thinking about their own energy levels--what is normal what is not-
What is my point...I don't know I think it is really just having a type of awareness about feeling good or being inspired.
Really, I think it has just been so long since I was truly motivated and inspired by life..that when I do have the experience it is different.
It makes me wonder how often can a person be inspired and how long can it last?
I wonder what the psychological basis or scientific basis of inspiration is? I never really looked it up.....I will...maybe
Like what does the brain look like when a person is inspired??
I mean inspired has got to be the opposite of depressed.
So inspired is the opposite of stression.
Because happy is probably not the opposite of depression. ---but we have these things in our vocabulary and popular ideas right?
Hopalong:
This makes complete sense to me:
--- Quote ---stress can over-power authentic motivation--even maybe to the point where a person can become so stressed out that they can't feel the authentic motivation and come to believe that they don't have authentic motivation in something due to lack of interest or connection with the activity when in reality it is stress that is clouding one's ability to experience the reward/joy from authentic motivation
--- End quote ---
And well put, Guest.
I can relate to this.
Thank you.
Hops
Meh:
I'm writing a lot, I'm going to justify it, maybe there is some Aha in there.
Living a voiceless life is devoid of inspiration for me because I experience it as a dulling of the senses and sensitivities that make me aware to my own feelings and inhibits me from experiencing the aliveness around me.
Why are voiceless people sometimes called over sensitive when they don't have sensitivity to their own needs?
I can put an explanation onto why I decided no contact with my father for about the last 10 years. It is because he discouraged me from doing the things in life that inspired me the most.
(I literally felt a downward moving tingling sensation right on top of my heart area on my chest as I read that last line back to self)
Maybe it was some sadness but I felt it as a movement in my body not as a concept of sad.
Really WHAT are these tingles in our hearts? I mean they are no longer new-age stuff that cow-boy men refuse to talk about.
Are the tingles in my heart area the same thing that makes my energy level go down or go up depending on many factors in me and my life?
I can see not only how I didn't receive as a kid but I can also see how something was taken away from me.
I know it's sounds like victim mentality.....yet there is WAY more to it then that.
To have inspiration cut off or put out like a fire is to take away from. It is an act of violence to the spirit-soul-body.
The idea to seek out inspiration agressively seems more powerful to me right now then it ever has not just because of my personal situation.
It's like deciding to recapture life again.
I mean life is lots of things even the dark cave of "depression" can be rich.
You know what? I think depression is band-aid-land. It's like a BIG dark psychic band-aid on a wounded life that is trying to heal. Maybe.
While walking tonight, I looked up at an extraordinary clear sky, could hear live music emanating from some place about love.
It's nice that people favor love so much, as for me though, I much prefer inspiration. Good Night.
------------OR maybe not TAKEN AWAY but buried in a box, a time capsule that has things in there, dirty rusty old bits waiting for a very very long time.
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