Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Hopalong:
Hi MB,
I credited Guest with the quote I meant to thank YOU for (brain addled).
As to inspiration, you're in that column for me.
Hops
Meh:
Today, I had a computer issue and thought that I made it worse by trying to fix it. The computer is ok now. I freaked out a little bit. My computer and internet connection is a lifeline to me, it's the only convenience I have and I'm always trying to find information. Not only that but I need to type up a document for my volunteer gig.
The stupid place where I am staying wanted me to get "a note from my mother" to say why I couldn't stay with her to prove why I need to stay here. So I contacted my mother about it and felt horrible. It's been a few weeks since I have had contact with her and I feel better when I don't.
There is a sense I get of creepy meanness she has towards me. I hate her. I'm angry at her and I hate her.
Sometimes I wish someone would put their arms around me and say "I'm sorry you're not feeling well", "I'm sorry you had a crummy day".
But I think that most people at my age are not suppose to require that any longer, even if I had a friend that knew what was going on in my life, I still imagine them looking at me as if "what's wrong..aren't you old enough to handle all of this, why do you need a hug?"
I'm on my period and I just want to CRY!!!!! And I'm sort of laughing and sort of teary and I'm tired and I have a lot of crap to get done and to deal with. Who doesn’t?
A woman here in the shelter is now encouraging me to go to ACOA meetings.
She is a "recovering alcoholic" and I've had good conversations with her about the subject.
Still I don't really want to go for 4 reasons.
1) There are some people I don't want to become familiar with
2) I don't see it as a positive thing, I see it as a sad downer
3) More rewarding tasks could fill that time slot
4) Can't remember this reason right now I'm tired and emotional
5) I don't like the "higher power" stuff
I feel like the "higher power" stuff is dependent on me. I don't believe in god. I believe in some sort of human evolution so --the higher power concept just puts the burden back on me to evolve more (uh maybe power tripping) or something.
I'm not a scientologist-- I just believe in ideas that are more logic based rather then faith based.
Faith has not served me well in life. It seems naive to me.
Walking into the shelter tonight I felt claustrophobic and like I wanted to vomit. I think I just feel really out of control of my life and I don't like that feeling. I'm tired of being here. I try to make the best out things and I can for a short time but I don't really like the people here, they are not exactly friends. It's not a home. The energy is not good here because it's full of troubled people.
I think I feel disappointed right now. I'm glad tomorrow is a holiday because the places I need to go will be closed that means it will give me time to catch up with stuff I put off doing. Maybe.
Meh:
Years ago I took a yoga class, another student in that class worked at a psychiatric institute and one day she told the class about two of the residents physically beating a third resident in a sneaky way so no bruises would show.
I have a hard time understand these types of things, I understand anger but I don't really get this sort of abuse.
There is something wrong with my mother's personality, she reminds me of the above scenario. There is something very screwed up about my mother and I'm not even sure that Narcissism or Co-dependency as related to alcoholism even describes my mother's meanness.
My mother enjoy's it when I'm struggling or having a difficult time in my life. It's not simply that I wish someone was there to give me a hug because I had a down day---It's that I DON'T want somebody in my life who is getting pleasure out of knowing that I'm having a bad day. I don't want someone in my life who thinks that I deserve to suffer.
Maybe she is not mentally ill, maybe she doesn’t have Narcissism, maybe she is just a very mean person.
Sometimes I imagine that all people are mean the way my mother is or have the same potential to be just like her as if it's just a component of human nature.
Knowing that I share genetic material with her sometimes disgusts me just a little bit. I don't want to be related to her.
I know it's immature but I want to write it anyways because I'm thinking it.
I'm hating the stupid shelter people for wanting documents from my family that explain why I can't stay with them.
I'm hating that b*tch right now I really am for requesting something this stupid. AND being stupid/ignorant enough to request it.
The shelter director might see lots of people come in and out and be familiar with all sorts of problems BUT SHE does NOT get it like I do.
I get angry when I see that people don't understand, people who are in some position of authority or power that think they know--and DON'T know.
My mother is a hideous b*tch of a person. It's as if she has one of those things inside of her from the "Alien" movie.
I'm convinced the makers of the Alien movie know my mother personally.
I know, "I'm in a bad mood right now". Why can't it just be a mood?
Why does being unhappy or angry have to be judged as "BAD" mood...instead of a MOOD.
What if feeling unhappy or angry was good because it's the natural response to a screwed up situation. That makes sense to me.
Meh:
This stuff gets on my nerves because it doesn't seem authentic to me. I can't pin point any specifics in there it's just general gushy new-age crap. I swear to god the person who sent this to me must be in some form of denial. I just don't get it.
I'm suppose to say this to myself over and over again and it's going to change my life?
"EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS HAPPY"?
Do Cells even get Happy??
You ever try to have a real conversation with one of these people, they get pissed if I ask questions. How can we conjure a power for good? Call it up? Like hocus pocus poof and a sprinkle of glitter now everything is better. It's almost like snake oil. I mean I believe in the power of prayer and positive thought but not this!!!
Reading this actually sounds nice at first to me but it also pisses me off. You know how it is, when you are just having a bad day or struggling and someone says "just smile". I'm smiling right now at my computer screen and I look like my teeth are bared like fangs, that is how well those ideas work. I can't fake a smile, I just can't!! They are real or they are not real. I'm no good at being inauthentic.
It's really not this communication that got me pissed off, it was the second communication that pissed me off.
Let's see non-violent communication...I felt angry when I read the second communication because it did not meet my need for authenticity and understanding.
"Dear One,
right now as you read and absorb this pray that I speak in the first person, remember there is only One, really only, One of us:
There is a Power for Good in the universe and I call It up NOW! I take a deep breath and deepen my connection with this Power for Good. I breathe in and relax into this loving space, knowing I am being looked after! Nothing can get in the way of this deep communion that is occurring with-in me NOW! Each conscious breath I take reminds me how loved I AM. I know I am loved, I repeat this affirmation over and over again. I know I am loved, I know I am loved. I know because the essence of me is LOVE!
In this powerful now moment I am experiencing and feeling my perfect employment, my perfect health and it feels great! I am delighted with my new job and my radiant health I am so happy, all those around me feel my new status, one of satisfation and delight!!! I focus on these things! and let go of fear......[False Evidence Appearing Real.] I write down what I want with color and gusto and await the Good that is ready to show up!! I repeat, I am so grateful for my Good!
I am so grateful that I realize I am supported and loved by this fantastic Energy, It is all around ME I feel it, I allow the soothing glow to enter my body, mind and Spirit................ I place my arms around myself and just experience Gods love, guidance and support.
I now accept my perfect employment with gusto, I arrive with a happy smile on my face, from this moment forward. I am patience, peace filled and lighthearted....... Life is Good, I am Good! I am blessed. and so it is
"EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS HAPPY!!"
Oh well whatever, it's not important. I have tried everything. I have, I even did try these stupid affirmations 13 years ago.
I've tried everyTHING
I have been to therapists.
I have been to group therapy.
I tried prozac, paxil, zoloft, wellbutrin. --How could people that "cared" about me put me on that junk?
I have done exercise addiction.
I have changed myself physically.
I have read self help books.
I have talked to people about it.
I have gone to various meditation classes of different styles.
I have done emotional catharting.
I have done journaling.
I have done distractions.
I have done workaholism.
I have done vacationing.
Something is still very very wrong in my life. Maybe it's not me.
I'm really tired of trying. I'm tired of trying to fix my life and fix me and make things better. REALLY REALLY tired. The only reason why I don't give up is out of fear, it's not out of authentic motivation. I'm exhausted really really really exhausted like a volcano crater empty of all the lava and about to cave in.
I can see why I was so introverted in highschool, I retreated into a smaller and smaller center circle that was more ME and less of the WORLD.
Maybe tomorrow will be better.
Meh:
You know what, I think I just write the same old crap all the time. Just some kind of self agonizing. I'm exhausted of my "stuff".
I'm really done with self help this is why I don't want to do the ACOA meetings. More process more agonizing as if I have not done that enough already!!!!!!
I have known exactly what I wanted my whole life. Even though one of the energy healers I went to years ago told me I didn't know what I wanted. I KNOW WHAT I WANT. Every day. I mean how passive can I be in my own ability to know for myself what I want.
When people are telling me what I think.... can I just say EEEEEEEEEEEEEE WRONG! BuZZZZZZZZZZZZ! WRONG
That is WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG WRONG, NO can't hear you, not listening. WRONG.
Or "What makes you right"...."what makes you think that you know more about me then I know about myself"
I don't know why I'm writing this, I think some of my motivation to get into the self help when I was younger was that people were confused about me and by me and thought that I was off. People always act like their not sure what is going on with me or my life.
I'm tired of dumbfounded people explaining my life to ME.
wow, I sound really b@tchy. WOW.
I just think that when I was going to therapy sometimes the therapists served to put more FOG into my life. First I had to beg them to give me prozac, after that first prescription was filled all doctors ever did was look at the precedence of a prescription to justify more.
No therapist ever told me I was an Adult Child of Alcoholics, no therapist even wanted to discuss alcoholism in my family, no therapist explained to me that my mother was Narcissistic. Therapists just wanted to talk about me being a "DEPRESSIVE". Therapists labeled me.
That stupid label didn't EXPLAIN anything, it only confused me. It's regretful.
I'm tired of people treating me like "whats wrong with you". NO what's wrong with you?---wait a minute I DON'T CARE!
I'm too tired and too emotional to make any freaken sense.
Tired of parents, school teachers, shelter directors, social workers, therapists, tired of politely sitting there having the obligatory interactions with these people THE WAY THEY WANT the conversation to go. I'm tired of being talked to. I'm tired of being managed. I'm tired of being somebody's social experiment. I'm tired of people MESSING WITH ME!!! I'm tired of people thinking that my time is so valueless that they have the right to waste it. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm having my conversations. I'm going to see my life just however I see it-- that is what it is.
GOOD NIGHT.
I'm tired of being nice. I'm ok with polite, but I'm really tired of nice. I hate nice. Really really hate nice. Like, I will go get the dog leash and put it around my own neck myself to make it easier for you to drag me around the block.
I'm just totally pissed off at having to get a "note from my mother" and all sorts of stupid stuff.
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