Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..
Meh:
I'm tired of being around sick, anorexic, alcoholic, recovering meth-addicts, raped and molested women, poor people.
It's like the biggist social rejects are the ones that were f@cked up the most in life.
How does my mother call these people "low lifes"......I'm tired of being a "low life", I'm tired of being around "low-lifes", I'm tired of people who hate and judge "low lifes".
You know why they are called low-lifes, it means low-life forms, what is the significance of that---well if a person is a "low-life" it means that you can treat them like they are nothing, garbage, foul, worthless, unwanted, undeserving creatures.
Women here internalize all of that--- I have heard them say they feel like "unwanted garbage" or "white trash" "unworthy".
I think it is all a sick social system.
lighter:
Muffin:
I think anyone would tire of being the "identified patient" when their family members are the ones with personality disorders.
It's so dreadfully unfair.
Also, your mother may not be an N.
She may be a sociopath with heavy N features, or a borderline personality disordered person, or any number of co-morbid possibilities.
Sometimes, you just have to accept that you'll never know, for sure, and stop trying to figure it out.
About that letter to the shelter lady......
I think it would be interesting if you wrote that letter, for your own benefit (don't actually send your version, of course):
Dear Dim Shelter Lady:
Muffin may not live in my home, because I'm a mean personality disordered person, who likes to view herself as a caring tough-love kind of mother, who would take Muffin in if it was in her best interest. It's not, but for reasons different than any you could conjure on your own, but back to me. Muffin has always been a weak, confused child, who has no idea what she wants, when she should have just accepted the mantle I thrust apon her. Too strong willed. Unable to completely suspend her belief in reality...... just a very difficult child, as you can imagine. Your shelters full of just such "types." I know you understand. Tisk tisk, yes?
Muffin doesn't understand my need to marginalize her humanity. She still struggles under the strain of my efforts. If Muffin could just lie there, and take it, whimpering occassionally to show she's paying attention but otherwise compliant, I'd let her come home. Sure I would, and you believe me, right? Of course you do, bc you want to. It makes more sense than the truth...... I hate my child and causing her to suffer brings me...... relief. So, if you look at this the right way, Muffin could come home, but chooses not to. I would think that this constitutes a willful display on Muffin's part that perhaps should lose her her space at the shelter. Don't you?
Not that I'd welcome her here, even if she did comply, if you haven't figured that out yet. I only wrote that because you're easily manipulated. Well, let me fill you in, sweetcheeks..... this is how I treat Muffin, and I'll always treat her this way. It's not what I do, it's what I am, and I'll never change, bc I can't. If I could, I would.
Please understand that I love my daughter. I wish her the best in this life.... and if you should find it necessary to put her out on the street, I wish that too.
Sincerely,
Muffin's PDMother
I don't know enough about your relationship with your mother to do that letter justice, Muffin. Maybe it would help you to write it yourself, maybe not.
Your latest posts have the sound of someone who's coming to grips with a painful truth, your mother will never love you the way you deserved to be loved.
Your anger is justified, and will perhaps help move you to a place where you can give yourself permission to trust and mother yourself.
Give you permission to give up hope that your mother will ever change.
Lighter
Meh:
Eating little "health food" versions of chocolate peanut butter cups, tried hard to find a quiet corner in a cafe to sit with computer but no luck, Sunday is a busy day around this town and the cafes are packed at every inch, I woke up in a better mood, went on my quest for volunteer gig outfits and found another $2.00 shirt it has a little orange in it just like I have pictured in my mind. Sitting on a hard, black leather sofa, I'm uncomfortable in my clothes right now, jeans too tight or muscles too tight, like a squirming kid I want to take my jeans off and kick the table in front of me and scream, ok that is way over exagerated, but if I was a kid that is exactly what I would do. I would break something, rip my clothes off and cry and scream until my face was red and wet with tears, I would probably pull my hair and do a lot of kicking and hitting.
I don't have any hope that my mother will change. When a person is financially desperate like I am at the moment, I will take any help I can get like when my mother gives me a box of tampons, I take it.
I normally don't say this but sometimes I need help, I don't believe that I can live my life all on my own never needing anybody.
My whole life I have tried to become someone who never needs anything or anybody.
I don't have anything to say today. Only that my stress level, for various reasons is way beyond normal.
Guess I can just write down all the things that are a worry to me and all the things I have to do, it would help to write it down probably.
When I can't control certain situations (not mother) other- ones, when I can't control -- the result is I get angry at myself.
So I can be angry at all sorts of people around me and at society at a whole and be angry at myself also. It's a lot to carry around.
Some things are worth getting angry about though- it just indicates that it's important. Oh, and that I'm not getting what I want.
Right now, I know that it's not in my best interest to contract and disconnect and introvert and worry, I know that I need to expand and seek outwards for new experiences and possibility. I need to have a plan for the next three weeks, I know it sounds stupid but I plan out my weeks like a person does for work the day-planning thing, it helps me to stay on task and helps me a little bit with the worry.
Organizing and planning maybe is part of my control-stuff but it does help me to be a little more calm if I know that I'm getting things done.
Meh:
@Lighter,
Thanks for the mock-dim-shelter-lady letter.
Meh:
William Wordsworth
Lines Written in Early Spring
I heard a thousand blended notes,
While in a grove I sate reclined,
In that sweet mood when pleasant thoughts
Bring sad thoughts to the mind.
To her fair works did Nature link
The human soul that through me ran;
And much it grieved my heart to think
What man has made of man.
Through primrose tufts, in that green bower,
The periwinkle trailed its wreaths;
And ’tis my faith that every flower
Enjoys the air it breathes.
The birds around me hopped and played,
Their thoughts I cannot measure:--
But the least motion which they made
It seemed a thrill of pleasure.
The budding twigs spread out their fan,
To catch the breezy air;
And I must think, do all I can,
That there was pleasure there.
If this belief from heaven be sent,
If such be Nature’s holy plan,
Have I not reason to lament
What man has made of man?
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