Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

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Meh:
I'm going to go try my meditation class again just for the sake of not hanging out at the shelter.

~ Now I'm back from the class, it was very good, there was a talk afterwards that was fun to listen to about karmic doom and destruction and duality and it was much better then listening to shelter people having burping contests.

Faith as described by a flyer on the Buddhist center wall is two things: genuineness and gentleness or something like that. That is part of why I like Buddhism because it doesn't make any sense at all. The description of faith says nothing about belief that good will happen in the future.

During the meditation part I got bored, after a while I looked at the artwork on the walls, noticing the lotus blossoms that the dudes are sitting on.
So I figured it might help me to meditate if I imagined myself on a lotus blossom (I know thinking mind) any-who I let myself think when I meditate, I figure why fight the thinking mind? So I'm sitting on a light pink, many pettled lotus blossom. There were a few moments when the lotus blossom could have been a carnivorous plant but then it finally transformed into a sturdy tame lotus. Then I looked ahead of me and I was looking at a mirror image of me sitting on the lotus. Right about this time the meditation was over and the leader started to talk and ding the bell. Ding-ding. So I lost my little visualization but it was fun while it lasted.

So then after that was the talk part where some intense-wild looking guy started talking about some concept and it all sounded like turmoil and grief and problems --like a different version of an ACOA meeting might be, so I wondered if doing this is just as good as going to an ACOA meeting. I sort of hope so.

Started thinking tonight how depression is a label of sorts and so is Narcissism to be fair. I thought well what would these people be if they all shared certain habits and behaviors but were not labeled--they would still be a type of person or a STYLE of person maybe.

Guess what, today I had tea with everybody else at the meditation center, I'm glad that I had my tiny little step at attempting to act like I am acceptable. There is one person there, one of the leaders that is going out of his way to make me feel welcome as a new person-so that makes it easier for me to be there standing with my tea cup and feeling awkward about what to say and who to say it to because that is the etiquette to talk to people.

Buddhism has a lot of room for turmoil and suffering and those things get addressed a lot. So for a while I will continue with the classes as I can. I feel guilty for attending and not paying but if they are going to have them and there is extra space then I might as well be there.

Truth be told its a pretty small group.

I imagine that they think in principle they should allow people to attend without paying but they probably resent people who actually do it. I think they put the verbage out there about the policy of being open even for people who are unable to pay but maybe they still dont like it. But that is sort of their problem for now because Buddhism has some rules and standards and after all it is sort of the Dali Lama who started all this.

Hopalong:
What a gift to the group, you are, MB.
There are different forms of payment, and one is "showing up" on the level that you are. That kind of practice seems to be working cooperatively with some structure well inside you. (I understand what you say about needing certain dogma-things to be absent, so you can be present in a spiritual activity.)

If you just keep showing up to it, find your own visualization and trust that you belong (words are just sounds humans make up; none of them can exclude you from the permission to exist you give yourself)...maybe this is what/where/how.

Thank you for the Wordsworth, too.

Hops

Meh:
Thanks Hops!

"80 percent of success is just showing up" — Woody Allen

Meh:
This morning I'm thinking that Nar-ways go against a natural nature and order of things.

In religions of all sorts there is a right way to live and a wrong way to live. The right way to live in theory prevents problems/bad karma while the bad way creates more problems/downfall/karma/hell etc.

I'm not sure how much I believe in religion but I think it's good to realize that the difficulty probably doesnt come from our own weakness but from the results of parents "wrong-living". Things such as abuse, lies, alcoholism, nar-habits are bound to cause problems.

Samsara is translated into something like: "The Wheel of Suffering".----See---See why I dig Buddhism so much? They get it!
So do I, I get the wheel of suffering thing, I'm an expert at it!

Ok, I'm cutting myself off of this message board until 5:30 PM today. Bye Board.

Meh:
Back to board a little bit early.

I did my volunteer gig, just sent some info off to the director, I'm concerned that I'm not "good enough" because I really have not been cultivating my skills in an academic environment. So I'm sort of stressed out.

I'm overwhelmed. I have my weekly yoga class tonight THANK GOODness.

On the inside I feel like I'm not good enough. I need to be careful not to depreciate my SELF. I just wonder if one of the student interns would be better?

There are so many projects going on, I can't believe all the things this woman has got happening in what appears to be a very disorganized manor, this woman is like a power house of ambition. I'm very methodical and into clarifying details...but more about that later. I asked her a question about liability insurance who would carry this for the project and it was interesting. 

My little heart is worried about every thing (big span of the arms motion here gesturing towards the horizon).

The director told me today she is going to have me write a grant. I have no idea what is going on and I think a look of fear came over my face when she said that to me.

I swear to god I did not misrepresent myself, I said I wanted to volunteer they didn't ask to see my resume or anything.

She asked my if I have ever written a grant and I said "NO" with fear on my face and she said "That's ok!, you can do it, it's  just like journalism"

She saw me reading a book so I guess that = I'm a journalist.

I don't know. Deep breathing here, I wait to see how she responds to the last thing I sent her step by step, each time I give her something I'm very careful to see if she approves or not.

Crossing my fingers. I WANT TO WORK on the grant.

I'm so overwhelmed. So instead of organizing and planning, I'm going to start running in front of all these things whizzing about in my mind.

Got to go. FINGERS CROSSED and tearing up because I'm overwhelmed and hopeful and excited but not sure if I'm in the right place at the right time? I hope I'm the right person for this!!!!!

Write more later. I'm so glad this board is here. It's like the best friend that I don't have.

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