I agree with Bunny. At first my N was the most charming, magnificent, affable, interesting, funny, sexy man I had ever met. We quickly fell in love after he declared I was the woman he had been waiting for his whole life.
Those first honeymoon months were some of the most exciting, passionate and fun-filled of my life. Unfortunately, most of it was a fleeting vagary -- smoke and mirrors -- and not a true depiction of the the real person, nor reality.
No matter what sort of abuse, stress, chaos or heartlessness this man handed me, I kept coming back because I thought the true person (i.e., the honeymoon man) would be back some day. Alas, it's sort of like a drink for an alcoholic. You chase that first high but each successive binge gets worse and you never recapture that crystalline moment that kicked off addiction in the first place.
In other words, the girl you long for is not real. She was acting. Sad but true. I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish all of this seemed more fair. It's tragic to give your heart --part and parcel -- to someone who is just trying you on for size.