please help me understand what happened.

[bkkabri]

Hi, I beleive my exgirlfriend is a N and she really screwed me over when I tried to talk about a future.  My ex is a medical student and she is obessesd with her job.  It always comes first.  I tried to listen to her day, but she kept telling me horror stories of people that were sick.  I finally had to ask in a very polite way that I couldnt hear the serious issues of illness because it was depressing and it affected me because my dad died in my arms. Her response to me now is that our life together was always about me and that I didnt care about her day.  Our first year was great, but we had serious intamcy issues.  She would say she loved me but the affection I craved was never there.  It was like she looked through me instead of being there with me.  Every time we went out she would change personalities and it was very fake in nature.  I would always be in the distance and she would walk around talking to anyone who would give her attention.  She also freaked out on me about other women and has since admitted that she is very insecure, but that she doesnt want me because I dont care about her career.  On top of it, she is already seeing a new guy because she says he listens to her medical stuff.  When I asked her why this happened she said that she is a nurse practionier and that she is going to work long hours and any guy that has her is going to put up with her career and take the good bad and ugly.  I told her that I miss the woman she was and that I respect her job, but I wanted to have life outside of work.  She now tells me that I dont believe in marriage and that she wants to be married before she is 40.  The list goes on and on.  Can anyone help me understand how a woman can be so great the first year and now think I am a total jerk for wanting to spend some quality time for our relationship.  Any help would be appreciated

[bunny]

Can anyone help me understand how a woman can be so great the first year and now think I am a total jerk for wanting to spend some quality time for our relationship.  Any help would be appreciated

Sometimes it takes a few months, sometimes a year, but eventually the relationship will move out of the "romance" phase and into the "reality" phase. This is where it gets the test of fire to see whether the two people are really compatible, whether the relationship can withstand the stresses of two personalities and two sets of needs. This relationship didn't pass the test of fire. It got burned.

It's not really about her or you. The relationship couldn't be sustained over time because you had needs/personalities that were too different. It's time to move on.

bunny

[bkkabri]

Bunny, I understand what your saying but the problem I have is that she is so filled with these things about me that I never said.  I feel like if you are going to hate me then hate me for what I said.  She told me that I dont beleive in marriage and that I will divorse her for her job because I dont want to talk about blood and guts.  When we tried to get back together in August, nothing was ever said about her needs.  I just told her that I loved her but I miss the woman that used to come home so we could spend quality time, and now she is in my face telling me that she will never be that woman because she is a nurse practionshier.  Then she tells me she doesnt want kids because she is selfish with her life.  I just dont understand what happened to the girl I met.  I couldnt even get her to dance with me at a wedding.  Her sister and I danced instead.

[Anonymous]

I feel like if you are going to hate me then hate me for what I said.

 

Then she tells me she doesnt want kids because she is selfish with her life.  I just dont understand what happened to the girl I met.  I couldnt even get her to dance with me at a wedding.  Her sister and I danced instead.

The girl you met was trying to make an impression and be attractive to you. Even then, she was secretly an aggressive, angry person but covered it up. She wants a man to accept her as she is right now. You'll never see the original woman again. Sadly, it's time to move on.

bunny

[bludie]

I agree with Bunny. At first my N was the most charming, magnificent, affable, interesting, funny, sexy man I had ever met.  We quickly fell in love after he declared I was the woman he had been waiting for his whole life.

Those first honeymoon months were some of the most exciting, passionate and fun-filled of my life. Unfortunately, most of it was a fleeting vagary -- smoke and mirrors -- and not a true depiction of the the real person, nor reality.

No matter what sort of abuse, stress, chaos or heartlessness this man handed me, I kept coming back because I thought the true person (i.e., the honeymoon man) would be back some day. Alas, it's sort of like a drink for an alcoholic. You chase that first high but each successive binge gets worse and you never recapture that crystalline moment that kicked off addiction in the first place.

In other words, the girl you long for is not real. She was acting. Sad but true. I'm sorry you're hurting and I wish all of this seemed more fair.  It's tragic to give your heart --part and parcel -- to someone who is just trying you on for size.

[Anonymous]

Hi B,

Good answers above.  Other possibilities may include:

1. You two are simply incompatible and have recently found out.

2. Some people date in order to get someone into their life to take care of them.

3. Some people will say anything to justify their decisions to themselves and to others.  (But we can't stand being lied about.)

4. Some women are sensitive about their careers and the home demands that will compromise the effort they want to put into it.  In other words, they may want the opportunity to fully pursue a career with the same amount of time and support a man would traditionally get if roles were reversed.  Men often neglect their families while pursuing wild success outside the home.  Just offering this as another perspective.  This may be why she "goes off" on you.

5. If she says you're not for her, why not believe her?  This doesn't mean you are not lovable or desirable to women.  But it can feel that way.  It's always hard to be the one pushed away.  I know a guy who made up with his exGF just so he could break up with her.  Ouch.

[bkkabri]

tell me if this is an N girl.

I told her that my dad died in my arms and she asked why I am not over it yet.
She told me all the sudden that she wants to be with a man that is going to make at least as much as her.
She told me that she will never be the woman who comes home at six oclock and be there for me.
everywhere we went she would change her personality to some fake person that was truly obvious to everyone around.
She would say she loved me, but she never would give me any affection.
All she talked about all the time was how great elderly people were.
She told me that I dont believe in marriage and that she wants to be with someone who will talk about her day as a doctor.
She never told me anything about herself.
after two years, I never met anyone outside her family because she has no friends.
When I took her on my boat, she didnt want to hang with my friends on the dock.
She yelled at me about other women on television if I was watching a show.
She actually had the nerve to buy me x rated films on Christmas morning because she thought that I would enjoy them.
She made me dresss up on occasions where everyone else was casual.  
The list goes on and on.
On top of this she just ran to someone else and started dating them because they will listen to her medical stuff.
She keeps telling me things I said that I never said.  She only takes part of the sentence and lets the rest go by.
I am just asking a stupid question.  Is this normal behaviour for a 37 year woman?  At this point, I am trying to find my sanity because she just ripped the rug from out from me.

[Anonymous]

Here is a website that might help you figure out what happened:

http://www.drjoecarver.com/loser.html

bunny

[Anonymous]

thanks for the replies, but does this girl sound narcisistic.  she was so calm, but when I started to question she just backed off me.  Now I tell her I love her and want to try to work out our problems and she is crushing me with BS about my feelings about marriage.  Its like everything we did together means nothing.  I just wish I knew if I will hear from her again.  I just ran into her with her new date and I cant beleive the guy she is with.  Its like a charity case.  We were such a good couple for a year and now this behaviour is crazy.  I feel like I slept with the devil.  Also, do Ns have issues with affection and intamacy.  She would buy me things, but never touched me in a way that made me feel loved.  I hope you understand the feeling I speak of.  Not sexual, but sensual.  any insight would be appreciated.

[ResilientLady]

I agree w/ Seeker, sounds like besides being N she may also have BPD traits (quite common in fact).