Struggling

[lighter]

(((Tup)))

I hope you enjoy that time to yourself next week.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lighter, thank you!  To be honest it feels 'wrong' to be doing it - very self indulgent etc.  But these are the sorts of messages that I need to stamp out so shops and hairdresser, here I come!  I have friends that do this sort of thing every week!  I'm just trying to focus on me, who I am, what I like, what I like to wear and so on.  I don't really know!  But I've got plenty of time so I can try on lots of different outfits and see what I like the best.  I'm going to deliberately try stuff that I wouldn't usually, just to try and pull myself out of my shell a bit. 

Hi TearTracks,

I'm finding it easier to get better the more I understand about my mum and her relationships. with herself and with others.  It's making it feel less personal - like it wasn't a problem with me, it's just how she is and she can't really be any other way.  I'm finding as I'm getting older it's helping me understand how she must have felt as she got older - getting past that stage of being able to have more babies, getting to that point where you have more life behind you than you do ahead, getting to the point where you stop making plans for the future and just sort of settle in because there isn't really any more to do.  I'm not saying I agree with her or that I think it was okay, but I can see how/why she is the way she is and that's helping me to feel it isn't my fault and I can be my own person without it being a problem to her (or rather, it is a problem, but it's her problem, not mine).  I've had opportunities she didn't - university, for example, and I was earning more at 25 than she was earning when she retired after doing forty years.  I can see why she's been so bitter and resentful - she's just not able to be happy for someone else, she looks at herself and sees failure if anyone else is doing better.  It's very sad but it's helping me deal with my own feelings a bit more easily.

[lighter]

Tupp:

Just keep up self care, until it begins to feel less alien.

At some point, it will become habit, and what becomes habit becomes pleasure.

Enjoy these days.

Teach your son how to do the same: )

Lighter

[teartracks]

Dear Twoapenny,

Cry as much as you need to.  I did my crying in the company of two or three people who knew of my struggle and who were willing to soothe and nurture when I was in the trenches.  I also had a sanctuary in a small woods behing the house.  I strung a hammock between two trees.  It was there that some of the most important breakthroughs came for me - I cried and sobbed there a lot.  

I talked to my inner child.  She is two give or take.  I never got her to respond to me.  I thought it was odd then and it still seems odd that I carried an ever present floating guilt.  I didn't know what.  Somewhere along the way, I understood the guilt was there because I felt deep inside that I had abandoned her when we were two.  I apologized to her and promised that I'd never abandon her again.  There was a lot more to that talk, but the guilt went away.  

One thing I know now about inner child work is that you talk to them at their age level.  I didn't know it back then.  I think that's why I never got her to respond.  Healing comes a little at a time.  If it feels like you're making no progress, it's not true.  It takes time - allow the healing process to happen.  It has a 'speed' of its own.  It's not necessarily the speed we'd choose, but thoroughness (letting it take its time) is important, very important.

Blessings,

tt



        

[sKePTiKal]

Penny - hi there!

I just want to say that I agree with everything TT has said about this work... that's been my experience of it, too. Variations exist in our details... but somehow there is something consistent about what actually happens in the process of healing. Never been able to put my finger on it, though!

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, everyone, very much.

Today was a really good day.  I had a therapy session this morning that felt good.  I was able to talk more freely - the constant monitoring I've always done is seeming to happen less and less.  My therapist has always said to me "Don't filter it, just let it out, don't try and shape it" but I've always found that so difficult - it's so ingrained in me that what I say must be acceptable to the person I'm speaking to.  But it's coming a little more easily.

I went shopping!  I had to force myself to take my time.  I tried quite a few things on and asked the sales girl for help with sizes - I wouldn't usually do that.  I made myself spend more money than I usually would.  Normally I go for cheapest or best value, but today I pushed it up a notch and aimed for quality rather than buying lots of cheap things, you know?  I was reasonably sensible with the clothes but the shoes are wild!  I love them, they really made me (the little girl in me) smile.  I picked my boy up and we went out for tea and cake at our favourite cafe, then played a game I bought for us after dinner tonight.  It was a really good day.

To end on a question - do you think you can have more than one age that you need to talk to?  I'm feeling a bit like there's a nine year old and a fifteen year old - is it normal to work on more than one level?

Thank you for all of your help and support ((((())))) xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

I think it's possible to have a 9 and 15 year old who have things to say.

There may be a 2, 6 and 12 yo, as well.

You can do some of that work with your T, some in your journal, some with a friend (who pretends to be whomever needs talking to.)

Sounds like you had a lovely day: )

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Oh most definitely different ages!

And soon, you might even find that the "little ones" are starting to grow up and into the older ones... and the older ones will grow up and grow into "you". It's a miracle when it starts to happen...

I'm so glad you had such a wonderful day! May you have many more... and please do share! It made me smile to read about it (I really understand about the wild shoes... they're like a tonic!) and I really needed a smile today.

[Twoapenny]

Little things are changing.  I received a gorgeous gift yesterday, from someone who went to a lot of trouble putting together a whole package of lovely things for me.  I can't tell you how happy it made me feel

I went to buy my son's birthday presents today and found everything I wanted to buy for him had been reduced, so I was able to buy him more without spending any more money.  I found a perfect pair of jeans at a bargain price and saw a bag that I'm going to go back and buy next week.  These sorts of things don't usually happen to me; normally I'd go to get presents and they'd be out of stock and I can never find jeans that fit well so I just end up buying whatevers there - making do - but not today!  I didn't feel as uncomfortable in the shops as I usually do; usually I feel that I shouldn't be bothering the sales assistant and that I ought to 'know' everything and shouldn't ask questions.  But I didn't feel like that today, I just bought my stuff and left.

I seem to feel like I have more money at the minute?  I don't know why, I don't actually have more - my income is fixed and it's pretty low.  My expenses haven't gone down so I know in real terms I don't have more money than usual, but I feel as if I do?  I don't know why, it's very strange (but also very nice!).  I find I'm getting really tired a lot of the time at the minute, but I'm trying to eat well and do a bit of yoga to try and keep things on an even keel.

[lighter]

Maybe you're spending less on small cheaper items?

I remember you saying you had lots of items in the house that were "bargains."

Hundreds of dollars worth.

Maybe you're doing less spending of pennys, and it's giving you more dollars?

(((Tupp))) So glad the universe is smiling on you lately: )

Light

[sKePTiKal]

You're noticing some of the "magic" in this work, Penny...

where you used to focus on what you didn't have; or fear losing what little you had... you are now beginning to see how much you really do have - and how important it is - and grow it. It's all internal - almost subliminal - and it helps one breathe way easier, even if it is difficult work.

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,

Forgive an old bat warning...but I'm wondering if some shopping behavior (perhaps some impulse things, or a sense that "things" for your son are really needed things --remember the taking over of the house by him --and you--having so much stuff, and you were despairing and at the same time contemplating getting a shed?). And then you really began to declutter and started feeling joyful about that?

Wondering if the "shopping activity" itself gets you into a little bit of a high, and it's like a dreamy state of choosing and finding, all that... You know what I mean? When it's not going to find a needed item, but kind of, cruising for things?

Just wondering if the (I'm projecting here and believe me, not criticizing) state of your money as something you don't quite see in focus ("I think I might have more money but I'm not sure, and am on a fixed income...") -- is something you might feel empowered by looking into?

Though it's been painful, I have been so helped by the Dave Ramsey Financial Peace University class. The $99 I spent on that (and scholarships are available) has been so much to me...it really is life-changing. You can Find a Class at www.daveramsey.com.

(I don't share his theology but am SO grateful for his insights on how people function about money. And it's never too late.)

love,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hops, you could never be an old bat!  I have been thinking a lot about what you said.  I think I need to keep an eye out!  I don't think I'm doing the same as before but I guess it's hard to be objective.  The presents for my son are all replacing things that are either outgrown or broken.  I'm doing the same with clothes; buying one new thing and chucking out one old item when I get the new one home.  I also made sure I bought a complete outfit (as far as funds allowed!) so that I didn't end up with a wardrobe full of stuff that doesn't go with anything.  I will keep an eye on myself, though!  It's a good point

I went to the crematorium today, for my Dad's Anniversary.  It's been 29 years since he died.  I found out he actually died on the 25th of Feb, not the 24th as we'd always been told.  I also got the address of where he was living when he died and my uncle's address at the time as well.  I'm going to write to the houses and ask if anyone knows/remembers them.  It's a long shot, I know, but I live six doors away from the house I lived in thirty years ago so I guess there's a chance that someone on the street might have lived there all that time and might have some idea where some of my relatives are.

The lady also showed me where my dad's ashes are scattered.  I knew they were in the Garden of Rememberance but not the exact spot.  She took me and showed me.  I cried buckets, I have to say, but I was so glad to finally have somewhere to sit and think about him.  I'm going to save up and get a small memorial plaque made for him, so I have somewhere specific to leave flowers.  I also thought I ought to make some sort of area in my garden for him - just a pot with a nice plant in it, but something that I can sit by at times and also take with me if I move house!

I was glad I found out the information but I felt so lonely once I got home.  I just feel like I have no-one, no-one really close, that I can curl up with.  I feel very small and alone at the minute.  I'd really love to curl up on the sofa with someone who loves me tonight.  I have the cat!  She's very cuddly so I guess it will still be a nice cuddle.  I'm still trying to find my brother but not having much luck at the minute.  Part of me is scared as well, that it might not be the happy reunion I'm hoping for.  I know these things don't always go smoothly.  I'd like to know, though, one way or the other.

Thanks for reading xx