PHEW! Inhale... slooooow..... exhale...... slooow....
They left Fri. morning for a sight-unseen affordable apartment. Unfortunately, the water won't be turned on until Monday, so they are hotel'ing it for the weekend. It's not a nice place at all - but it is safe and the boys can go back to their current school; mom can go back to work (fingers crossed); and they can begin the tasks of sorting out how they got into this mess and how to get somewhere better. She is hoping to get some counselling contacts on Monday...
It's hard to explain - but being in the same space with this D makes my skin crawl and ramps up my inner anxiety to the point of obsessing about my own past... how she might be mirroring (and whom)... and well, I don't trust her and really she hasn't given me any reason to trust her - even at the most basic level, of whether she is or has a genuine self or if the words that come out of her mouth have any real meaning to her, or if she's merely saying what she thinks I want to hear. This is just the latest rendition of rescue that's gone on over the course of 16 years so far.... and I know things will be fine for a bit now; maybe 6 months... like she's gotten a booster shot of vitamins or sanity or peace of mind. It always wears off because she doesn't know how to create it herself - and it matters not how many times she's had it explained or shown to her or the level of support she's had to create and sustain it.
But the boundary has been drawn - she can't stay here. Despite the words coming out of her mouth it was obvious that is what she wanted to me to ask her to do. She is 35 and a mom herself. It is not my job to provide safety, order and nurturing to her boys - and I shouldn't be required to do this for her now, either. Whether I choose to and for how long is my own decision. And I'd already inconvenienced and disturbed my hubs, my dog and 3 cats... everyone gave up something to allow her to regroup here.
Especially me. My compassion chain's been jerked by her so many times - it's a desperate situation mom! - only to have her merely cycle through again, again, and again... I'm beginning to think that empathy and compassion makes a person out to be a sucker and a fool.**
At 11, she found a way to manipulate and orchestrate things in such a way as to hurt me deeply; so deeply I sunk back into a Twiggy-style space for a while. Her sister was affected, too. And the last 16 years haven't done anything to prove that she even understands what she did or how many times she has repeated the same aggressive act in varying degrees of self-loathing and catastrophe... for some hidden-even-to-her motive. She is not a well person. Both sister and I know this and we have been distancing ourselves for a 3-4 years now. As a result, I've also kept pretty high boundaries and much distance between myself and the boys. We have explained to her many times that she risks losing the boys - and it does seem to matter to her, but not necessarily for the expected reasons. I know I dare not put myself out there as being able to care for them and I'm trying to convince my other D not to offer this, as well - tho she would in a heartbeat. Both she and I need to be able to live our lives without "caring for a sick one" - or being the only adults in the situation. To heal ourselves.
D has a scaffold of support where she is now... the beginnings anyway. Those people won't have the same sensitivities I do, can be more objective, and perhaps she'll even hear them better than she hears me...
so I'm releasing the outcome.
** So, a healthy ego offers compassion, empathy... where it's appreciated with gratitude, and offers appropriate help on the basis of hoping to see it bear fruit. If there is no fruit on a particular tree - no matter how much or what combination of compassion and help - it's time to find another tree and let go, with as much love as can be mustered.
