Group Therapy

[Lupita]

I was bot heading with the therapy leader, a PhD psychologist. But yesterday it was my psychodrama and discover that I behave like a five year old and was sad because things did not go my way and the sadness when people do not smile at me is becasue of my mother because I regress to a five year old lobely little girl and I see my mother in every single person around me. That is exhausting. I kins fo feel better today.
I cried for a long time yesterday. I was not going to go back, because I could not aford it anymore, but she offered a schollardhip for me right now for this month and then we will see how is my situation next month. That was great. She felt sorry she made me feel in compatition. That is not her job. Everybody told me that I was an amazsing eprson. I dont know if they were just sucking up to me to make me feel better but it was fine.
I am very disusted with M. Hope that I can get him out of my mind.

[lighter]

Hey Lupe:

Glad to see you back posting.

I saw this information on making changes, and I hope it makes sense.

I'll paraphrase, and you can read the artical if you're interested.

Self-change is tough, but it's not impossible, nor does it have to be traumatic, according to change expert Stan Goldberg, Ph.D. Here, he lays out the 10 principles he deems necessary for successful change.

-All Behaviors Are Complex
Research by psychologist James O. Prochaska, Ph.D., an internationally renowned expert on planned change, has repeatedly found that change occurs in stages. To increase the overall probability of success, divide a behavior into parts and learn each part successively.

Strategy: Break down the behavior

-Change Is Frightening
We resist change, but fear of the unknown can result in clinging to status quo behaviors—no matter how bad they are.

Strategy: Examine the consequences
Strategy: Prepare your observers
Strategy: Be realistic

-Change Must Be Positive
As B.F. Skinner's early research demonstrates, reinforcement-not punishment-is necessary for permanent change. Reinforcement can be intrinsic, extrinsic or extraneous. According to Carol Sansone, Ph.D., a psychology professor at the University of Utah, one type of reinforcement must be present for self-change, two would be better than one, and three would be best.

Strategy: Enjoy the act
Strategy: Admire the outcome
Strategy: Reward yourself

-Being Is Easier Than Becoming
In my karate class of 20 students, the instructor yelled, "No pain, no gain," amid grueling instructions. After four weeks, only three students remained. Uncomfortable change becomes punishing, and rational people don't continue activities that are more painful than they are rewarding.

Strategy: Take baby steps
Strategy: Simplify the process
Strategy: Prepare for problems

-Slower Is Better
Everything has its own natural speed; when altered, unpleasant things happen. Change is most effective when it occurs slowly, allowing behaviors to become automatic.

Strategy: Establish calm
Strategy: Appreciate the path

-Know More, Do Better
Surprise spells disaster for people seeking change. Knowing more about the process allows more control over it.

Strategy: Monitor your behaviors
Strategy: Request feedback
Strategy: Understand the outcome

-Change Requires Structure
Many people view structure as restrictive, something that inhibits spontaneity. While spontaneity is wonderful for some activities, it's a surefire method for sabotaging change.

Strategy: Identify what works
Strategy: Revisit your plan regularly
Strategy: Logically sequence events

-Practice Is Necessary
Practice is another key approach to change, suggests one study on changing conscious experience published recently in the British Journal of Psychology. I've found that the majority of failures occur because this principle is ignored. Practice makes new behaviors automatic and a natural part of who we are.

Strategy: Use helpers
Strategy: Practice in many settings

-New Behaviors Must Be Protected
Even when flawlessly performed, new behaviors are fragile and disappear if unprotected.

Strategy: Control your environment
Strategy: Use memory aides

-Small Successes Are Big

Unfortunately, plans for big successes often result in big failures. Focus instead on a series of small successes. Each little success builds your reservoir of self-esteem; one big failure devastates it.

Strategy: Map your success

http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200210/the-10-rules-change
Source: 10 Rules of Change, the actual artical is pretty long, but worth the read.

Lighter

 

[Hopalong]

Tears this morning, in sympathy for you Lup...and also in happiness for you.

I am really glad you're in group therapy, and with a T wise and kind enough to make it financially possible for you to continue. This is such healing, healing stuff.

Realizing you felt competitive and threatened and abandoned by other women--all of that at once. Working on healing WITH them? That's huge. And you were honest enough to say it and share it.

You ARE an amazing person!

with love,
Hops

[river]

Hi Lupita,
I read your post, and somehow it seemed to me that you had come out with some ideas that someone had told you to think.  It just didnt somehow sound like it was really you.   

~~ ??

[Lupita]

I had a hard time today at work. Not bt the kids, but by my mentor. She is the music teacher and I play piano so beautifully, that she told me that how come she played so ugly. I never tried to compete with her. I am a science teacher, not music teacher, I just happen to play the piano.
But she is very hurt because I play so well. sh does not undertsnad that I play well because I practed manyhours a dya for many years and I took a lot of training with european teachers. Abeway, she she gave me a hard time. She prohibit me to reward mys tudents for good behavior with a movie. I do movies only once a week for a few minutes so they can laugh and have a good time because they were very good all week. Well, she destroyed that. I told her that I did not agree but I will always follow her instructions. That made her even more mad at me. I told her that I will never disopbey her. Then sje said, then it is a request. I said, I will do as you say.
She left very mad.
It seems that every thng opposes my flight, wind, tide, and everything.
But the group therapy leades said, take advantage of what is available, not look for what it isn't. I was complaining about the membvers who do not want to make friends with me, just like here, nobody would talk on the phone with me.
So, I am trying to asimilate that, and will have fun otnight at tango, will not go to salsa in purpose for not to see M. I hurt, my heart is hurting by not going to salsa after tango like I do every friday, but if I want to detach from M I have to comply with it.
Iam sad.

[Lupita]

I had a very nice up lifting time at tango. I could not resist and went to the salsa place to see M. He was not there. I am sure he did it in purpose. He is a scorpion. He never told me he was not going. never. He is evil.

But, hopefully this will be the last thing he does to me.

I will not have anything to do with nim anymore. No more. I havet o be strong and say no. I have to say no.

If I just had somebdoy with me I would be stronger. Doing it alone is very difficult.

[Lupita]

Last night, Saturday 3rd, went to salsa after tango. M was there, fortunately, other men were there and I had the opportunity to dance with other men for M to see. Wrong reason to dance but at least I was dancing with other men. I was feeling pain, but not as bad as it used to be. I guess I am getting a callous. My goal, is to see M and not to feel anything. The problem is that to detach you need not to see that person, but he is almost everywhere I go and I do not want to stop dancing neither him. The only thing I can do is not to go to salsa, just go to tango, but that is hard to do because I love both, but tango is my favorite. But M is not very good coordinated so salsa is easy for him but tango is very difficult. So, in tango I have more opportunity to show off, again wrong reason, but at least gives me the opportunity to show that I am better than him.
Salsa and meringue are only rubbing against each other. Tango is an art. He will never dance tango as well as I do. Never. He wrote me an e mail telling me that I was arrogant. I am not. He is abusive.
The point is that, today I feel sad, but not as bad as I used to. Little by little I am desensitizing  me from him. I danced with him last night and did not feel that desperation I used to feel. Today I do not feel that loneliness that was crushing my throat. I know, very little progress, but there is progress.

[Lupita]

What I discovered last night is that M is a bully. When I sat at my chair, frowning, and sad, he was dancing blonde woman, and dark woman, robbing him self against them, in front of me.  After I got up and dance with two men, I was mimicking a lap dance, I did not lap dance, I just was flirting with the guy I was dancing and another guy who was sitting, and both of them were applauding me, he sat and stayed at his seat, watching me the whole song. He did not recover in a long time. It took him at least half an hour to get off his seat and start dancing again. Everybody saw it. I discover that I can be strong too. But the problem is that it takes too much effort on my part to do those things. I feel more comfortable relaxing and having a relationship in which I do not have to do those things and enjoy life. I ended up exhausted. Emotionally exhausted. I am not sad, not the sad that crushes my throat and feel like dyeing, but that sadness that is in the way of happiness. I was happy for moments, something I did not experience before. I guess it will get better. Hope so.
But for some reason my friends are not making any comments.

[Lupita]

LITHER!!!!!

hOW TO  change a feeling, not a behavior. I need to change how do I feel, I want not to feel sad. How do I change that!!!!!!!!

I think that my behavior is not that bad, just to submissive. seecking aproval and looking for a mother. That is a feeling, not a behavior, how can I change that geeling that I am a little baby that nobody loves me and I need somebodt to protect me!!!!!

That is the problem here, that I feel extremly lonely!!!!!!!

[Hopalong]

Hi (((((((((((Lup)))))))))))))

You have identified something important and I believe it's backward.

You do NOT change feelings before behavior.
If you change your behavior, then your feelings will change.

Change behavior to change feelings. Not the other way around.

There has been research on the workings of "fake it until you make it." The researchers found that if you smile with the corners of your mouth going up, even if you do not feel like smiling, there will be changes in your brain positive mood centers. (No: one "fake smile" will not cheer you up. But a happy energy and happy demeanor will contribute to feeling happier.)

That's a very simple example, but the way it plays out in life is,
if you want to feel loved, do self-loving things (behaviors) and ACT as though you are feeling loved. Keep it up. You may not notice it instantly but it WILL change how you feel.

It's the behavior--the self-loving action you decide to do--that is actually rearranging the neural connections that begin to produce a NEW FEELING in response. (It won't happen the first time you do it. Maybe the 6th.)

This doesn't mean that you won't want to be loved, or will stop caring about connections with other human beings. It does mean that you can be generating a great deal of positive feelings in your own life as the foundation for whatever else happens.

(I am preaching to myself and I hope I'm listening!)

hugs,

Hops

[Lupita]

Hopalong, give me specific examples. I know the smiling works. Five me another. I take a red bull and feel up and people around follow me up too. But that is a fantasy. What can I do? Give me examples that I can practice in the mirror and thenperform in social environment so I can make ffriends and feel comfortable.

I am very sad today.

[Hopalong]

FANTASY can create reality. It's just another word for visualization. Visualizing with conviction (and repetition) prepares your brain for new experiences (and thoughts).

I'm not talking about making faces in the mirror that will "fool" other people and get you an external response you want. Your struggle is with your own internal response (mine is too). The idea is to fool YOURSELF with new behaviors, until your emotions catch up with the new patterns your changed behaviors have formed in your brain. Then...you'll be not fantasizing or faking it--it will have become new mental reality for you.

Examples of things to do:

Really intensive self-affirmation. Notes posted all over your apartment. Deliberate out-loud repetitions.

Fighting back hard against your negative self-talk. This means speaking ALOUD to yourself when those self-loathing thoughts happen. Google "thought-stopping" to fight the old thinking patterns.

Listening regularly to and reading works about self-esteem. Seeking out new groups of people where the same-old mating displays and dramas and vulnerability and competitiveness you experience in your dancing life are not relevant.

Volunteering to help other people (in 3-D) -- altruism produces a real and actual "high" of increased wellbeing and self-esteem. This is probably a big one.

Creating something such as a painting or sewing or writing a song.

You do those ACTIONS (not just new facial expressions or behaviors focused on your impact on others) that are intended to rebuild your reaction to yourself...while fantasizing that you are:

worthy
good
have something to contribute
matter
strong
intelligent
caring

All of that having NOTHING to do with beauty or sex appeal or attention-getting ability or dance mastery.

You fantasize self-love long enough, and do actions designed to strengthen it, and the reality of changed emotions will follow.

(Again, preaching to and reminding myself...I too am struggling with some dark self-talk).

love,
Hops

[lighter]

Lupita:

A nail is driven out by another nail; habit is overcome by habit”
 Latin Proverb quotes

I know it's alien and awkward to do things that don't feel comfortable.

The trick is..... to keep at them, no matter.

Feelings will change as you grow through the process.

Your esteem will grow.

Your ability to nurture and mother yourself will grow, as will you're ability to identify and say NO to the wrong people.

Every victory will be a step towards feeling better, Lupe. 

Nothing happens quickly.

It's a process.

Lighter

[Lupita]

OK friends, help me analyze this. Smiles or better said, lack of smiles really hurt me. For example, today at tango class, I entered the studio. The auxiliary girl, did not smile. I felt bad. The teacher did not smile and I felt even worse. Then the class started. One guy offered me to dance with me. I accepted and he started to criticize me. I took the criticism with cool attitude and smile and accepted the help. But felt even worst. When finally I got the move, I felt better and I smiled to the auxiliary girl, she smiled back and told me about the teacher birth day party. Then I told her that I felt that I was improving a lot thanks to that class. She strongly agreed and told me that I took the criticism and improved a lot. That she thought that it most be now very difficult to dance with M. I said, it is he does not like to be corrected. M does not take that class because it is too advanced for him. The point is that I felt better until I got the response I wanted. But, what if I did not get the response I wanted. I would have felt very depressed and that sets me up for failure. Because I am basing my well being in other people’s behavior. I wish I did not feel like that. I ended up feeling good due to that I finally got the move and the auxiliary girl told me that I was improving and her smile made me feel good. I am amware that ti should not be that way. That is why I constantly feel  down and depressed because I depend on other’s people to feel well. But I do not know how to feel well. Anyway, I was determine to end that class I felt I was going to be kicked out of the class, but it ended up being I was wrong which is wonderful. But it should not be that way. The most wonderful thing is that one of the most picky guys in the class decided to give me a chance and danced with me. He is a wonderful dancer, he has paid for a lot of money in private lessons and I understand that he does not want to dance with just anybody. At the ned, I told him, “Thanks for the help” and he was very proud that he “helped me”. He helped me but he just does not know hoe he did, not on the dancing but on my attitude, he had no idea what I am going through. He still has no idea the kind of “help” I got from him which was not really dancing.

[lighter]

Lupe:

I hope you're also journaling all these thoughts down, so you can revisit and re-read on a regular basis.

That you're becoming aware of life patterns, that keep you from living fully and happily in the moment, seems important.

It's easy to lose track of the little victories, IMO.

I like to have them all written down, reminding me what I've learned and what I was trying to accomplish.

So many lessons.

So many habits to change, hard to keep up.

(((Lupita)))  You sound like you're doing great: )

Lighter