NMom Troubles ---- Again.....

[scrappingal]

Some of you may remember me from the old board.   I don’t think that I’ve posted on the new one.  We've moved and I'm finally getting back into the swing of things.  

To give you some background to my current situation:

I have an NMom.  She is very close to her NMom and they seem to have a co-dependent relationship going on.  

At the beginning of this year NMom quit communicating with me and my sister.  This was fine with us.  But this time, we had realized that there was really something wrong with her emotionally and mentally.

By April, she contacted me and wanted to see my son Michael.  She still hasn’t contacted my sister.   I agreed to let her come over.

She came to see Michael once a week……religiously.

We’ve since moved and she doesn’t like to travel to my new home.  We’re about 10 miles from her.

Which leads me to………

I’m sitting here thinking about my relationship with my mother.  She called last week and I have been avoiding returning her call.  I want to call her out of obligation, however, I don’t really want to “talk” to her.    Several weeks ago, I attended a baby shower for my cousin.  I left my nearly three year old son with my mother-in-law, because I simply wanted to enjoy the evening without him hanging on me and vying for my attention.  My NMom was there.  She came in and said Hi to me and asked where Michael was.  I told her that I had left him with June my mother-in-law.  She said “Oh, I really wished you would have brought him, I was looking so forward to seeing him”.  I told her, “I know,  but I really needed a break”.  “I told her that she could give me a ring in the morning and we could set up a time to get together.  That was it…..end of conversation.

The next day she called me.  She started the conversation with “I need to talk to you about something”.  That phrase is something that stops me in my tracks.  It usually means she’s about to unload on me.   She wanted to know if I was trying to keep Michael from her.  If I didn’t want her in our lives, to just let her know.  (This was obviously a result of not taking my son with me to the shower)  I was taken aback, because that was never my intention.  It was simply to get a few relaxing moments to myself.  She then went on to know why I wouldn’t leave Michael at her house.  First, my NMom has diabetes.  She can slip into blood sugar lows at any time.   I’ve seen it happen.   Second, I’m not comfortable with leaving him with her.  I told her this.  I'm concerned about her emotional health.  I explained to her again that I didn’t see our relationship growing or improving unless we went to some counseling.  As soon as I started talking about counseling, she started “blowing me off”.   Everything I said was met with “Umm-Hmm”, Umm-Hmm”.  I could tell she didn’t care what I was saying.

We met after this for her to see my son at a local park.  Nothing really happened.  She was distant, but pleasant.  We’ve played phone tag several times over the next two weeks.  I’m currently “IT”.  However, I’m finding myself either putting off the phone call to my mom or completely forgetting about it.  

I guess I’m just at a point where I want a “normal” relationship or just nothing at all.  I don’t wish bad things for her.  I just am so tired of the “high maintenance” emotional lifestyle she leads.  I’ve talked to her twice about counseling and I’m not finding her responsive.  I’m not surprised.  

I’d appreciate any comments or insight into this situation.  I feel like I’m floundering again……

[cindy]

I'm not a psychologist, nor do I play one on TV, howevr, that seldom stops me from butting in.  Take care of yourself.  Another way to look at it is by compromising you are reinforcing her behavior.

How about seeing a counselor to help you set limits you are comfortable with, and to keep things clear so you don't feel guilty or pressured?

[Tinkergirl]

hi scrappingal,

i can relate to your entire post.  welcome back to the new board...i hope you can find some support here.

i recently cut off my mother completely for similar reasons and it has been the best thing for me.  the thing in your story that popped out at me was that your N mom had dictated the original "no talk" rule with you and your sister.  it was on her terms, and you allowed her to come back in, in good faith.  it sounds like she is still unwilling to accept your request to get help via counselling, and of course making your decisions all about her (i.e. leaving your child at home so you can have a nice evening out).  

my suggestion is to really listen to yourself (and reread your post) because it sounds like you are only able to control one of the two outcomes you want:  a more meaningful relationship with N mom or none at all.  the only one you can control (since she will not respect your wishes) is to take the active role in cutting off the relationship with her.  don't allow her to feel as though she can dictate when it is and isn't convenient for her to be in your life.  if you want her in your life a certain way but she will not do it, then you are going to continue to hurt yourself by allowing this distant relationship to continue.  the fact that she chose to speak to you but not your sister is a very telltale sign that you have something she wants (perhaps your sister doesn't have a child she can get supply from?) but is unwilling to respect you (or your sister...or your relationship with your sister) as a person.  either way, you will feel less obliged and more empowered if you become the proactive, strong one to set the boundaries that work for you.  take care and be strong for you and your child.