Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
misery
sKePTiKal:
Hi Ales...
are you worried about a backlash from Nmom? or from your guy? That part of the question wasn't clear for me. I can see where both might bother you! ;)
Hopalong:
Tough as it might be...oh hell.
I don't have an answer.
Except that by 43, elopement sounds pretty good.
xo
Hops
Ales2:
--- Quote --- What should have been a beautiful occasion was turned into a nightmare because of her sick and twisted behaviors!
--- End quote ---
In my case, my NMoms acrtions are mostly behind closed doors and no one in the extended family knows that she is the trouble for us (me and brother) she is. I'd almost welsome a chance for relatives to see how mean and malicious she is....what is more likely to happen for me is that something will go wrong behind the scenes that will have a lasting impact but will have no concrete answers or reasoning. Sorry that happened to you Bones - all the wasted drama when life could be better spent getting along.
--- Quote ---are you worried about a backlash from Nmom? or from your guy? That part of the question wasn't clear for me. I can see where both might bother you!
--- End quote ---
You are right! Both. Worried initially that not getting along with a major member of the family is a deterrent to marriage or reflects poorly on me from the boyfriend point of view. Part of it is the "honor your parents" bullshit and that makes me want to consider having a civil relationship with her (even though we are now NC) Weirdly, I'd never think about being phony (nice when you've had enough, nice to keep the peace) to stay on someones good side b/c I hate manipulators and dont like to be phony. That said, I also worry about her having any knowledge of my life. I dont want her involved, I like being NC, so far there have been minimal consequences, but I expect that it cannot last. Something will come along that will require contact or being NC will blow up and the longer I am NC, the more concerned I am that the backlash (whatever it is) will be horrific. And, I dont want anything horrific to come along that can jeopardize my relationship. Yet, I know that is just what could happen.
--- Quote ---Except that by 43, elopement sounds pretty good.
--- End quote ---
Thanks Hops, I agree - I have accepted this and would be happy to elope.
Thanks everyone for responses, as I have no one else these days to discuss these matters with. I appreciate it all very much. :)
sKePTiKal:
Eloping is a great choice - and romantic, too! When and if, you get to that point in the relationship.
A biggie milestone for me, if I were in your shoes, would be if your Guy accepted that "mom" wasn't going to be part of your experience of family... and why. It's incredibly important to have his support and understanding and validation for your decision about NC. My Ex #2 insisted that I maintain my relationship with my mom and even pushed me to "just deal with it" by sending me off into some of her worst melt-down situations - alone. That's one of the reasons he's an EX, needless to say. And that was before therapy...
My current hubs has met my mom once and after the first night of our visit, agreed to my pleas to get us a hotel room for the rest of the stay. I thought it was important for him to see for himself, first-hand. I really needed him to believe me and have that level of support, since he hadn't had much experience with this sort of weirdness - just his Ex #2. My mom doesn't even remember what my hubs' name is... and he keeps coming up with ways I can cut her phone sessions short - heehee! He's tired of me "going away" and having to transition back to normal and real life after another one of her broken record phone calls.
If I'd known before we ran off to the beach to be married, what was "wrong" I would've told him. I think it would've been OK, too. It was only after we'd been married a few years and I noticed that all my old patterns were getting repeated in our wonderful relationship - and that scared the pants off me - that I got to where therapy was the only option for figuring out what the hell was "wrong" and why I was programmed this way. I don't know that I could be where I am now - without him and all his creative, caring support through the darkest times.
I'll keep my fingers crossed for you, that your guy is one like mine, Ales.
Ales2:
Phoenix - Thanks this is great.
--- Quote --- A biggie milestone for me, if I were in your shoes, would be if your Guy accepted that "mom" wasn't going to be part of your experience of family... and why.
--- End quote ---
I'm working on how this can work. I want to be at peace and have harmony with the NM relationship and that might require that he, just like you said, accept that our autonomy as a couple will be threatened if we dont assert boundaries. I am also thinking that now that my brother and I are working on a relationship which we've never really had before, he might be an ally since the NM caused hardships with his wife and marriage. He'd certainly be able to help speak up and offer someones else understanding, so I would not be alone. So, thanks Phoenix, your advice was very helpful.
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