Nboss issue

[Hopalong]

My boss has demanded an unethical behavior from the whole staff.
I understand he's alarmed by competition, and ambitious. And I know
he is ethically compromised, partly by his 20 years in an ashram, where
people did whatever the guru told them. (He's repudiated all that but
I think internalized a lot of guru entitlement in spite of himself.)

I have gently but very clearly expressed my objections (in an email
to him and the senior staff). Another senior staffer told me he thought
all would be well, and that Boss actually "appreciates it when brought
to his better self." I like that person a lot, he's all about NVC, but I
also find him naive about personality disorders.

I am glad I did the right thing but also a bit scared.
I know about challenging Ns and have lived through a great deal of N-payback
in my time.

It may turn out okay. He has a side where he gushes over positive values
like forgiveness, compassion, etc., that he says I have. But I know his darker
side as well, and I have now openly stated I am troubled by what this order
would do to our company's reputation for integrity. Others were troubled
by it too but I'm the only senior person who spelled it out.

So...I'm a bit scared and just want to ask for moral
support.

He could be vicious to me for challenging his self-image (Mr. Integrity)
or...he could swallow all that and recognize I'm defending the company
from harm. That's also possible. (There have been companies fined
hundreds of thousands by the FTC for this behavior he asked for.)

(Don't need suggestions to take it to outside agencies, etc., as that
is not something I can take on...).

Just need some steadiness and calm so I don't react from fear.
He always responds to email, even on weekends, and this time,
he's silent.

Nerve wracking!

tx,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

oh.... Hops.... I hear ya and understand how you feel. Let's have a hug, for a bit... and just breathe to calm. You did what you felt you had to do and with all the best reasons for even taking that risk. Time to release the outcome from this... and take care of you.

I've been processing some (new to me) info about how the fear one feels, based on expectations, which are further based on past experience... are actually neural networks of associations in our brains that send out these chemicals to our body, which in turn sends the chemicals on to the fight/flight brain... insuring that kind of feedback loop moves into an out-of-control freak out. This perspective is all so Mr. Spock-like, vulcan-logical... and knowing this doesn't help one iota with the feelings one feels.

That said - I just "stepped out of the way" in one of my mom's attempts to drag me into the middle one of her manufactured crises by not answering her calls. I've been feeling the same old programmed kind of fear, overhanging doom and gloom... and uncertainty as ever. I'm taking a risk, that has a time-limit to it; I know I eventually have to talk to her or shut that door forever. I was able to stop my feedback loop or at least throttle it back from running away with me.

Feedback loops work for positive emotions and well-being, too. Ya know how I repeat the "It's OK, everything's gonna be all right" mantra? That was a desperate stab-in-the-dark wild guess in trial and error attempt to create a positive feedback loop... to keep my fear level low enough... to keep my higher brain consciousness engaged... and thinking instead of reacting. This helps me "keep calm and carry on"... gives me time to review my situation in more detail... and in turn, if I am confronted by something unpleasant down the road - I'm in a way better place to deal with it than if I'm stuck in worst-case scenario what-ifs... and not an emotional basketcase, either. It's pretty nice when it works; when I'm actually able to do this. That's not always the case.

Maybe it does help a little to know how to control those feelings that seem so intense they blot out the sun... knowing that my old mind-patterns are responsible for sending out the call to the cavalry... I'm still working with it, and am not deciding one way or another yet. Passing it on, in case you wanna try it. And backing it up with another BIG HUG... 'coz that's also the best kind of positive feedback loop. 

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I'm glad you did the right thing!

Given what your NBoss is attempting to force everyone to do makes me think of what's happening to Rupert Murdoch now.

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Any new developments, Hops? You feeling a bit better?

[Hopalong]

He's pissed. We're having a meeting tomorrow with him and senior staff.

I am not going to present my discomfort again because I already made it clear. I prefer to let the Very Important Men squirm their way through it on their own. I have already presented my reasoning both for being personally uncomfortable, and also for being concerned for the company.

I'm going to respond by being pretty quiet. I'll answer any direct questions but otherwise, I think silence is a much wiser course. They already know what I think. Nboss doesn't care. But it's possible others do enough that he'll pivot for image massage. (I pinned back my kind colleague's ears about it this evening. He is reflexively a "company man" despite being personally very decent. He said his wife would agree with me...he's trying to "get it". I am disappointed in him but not really surprised.)

JEEZ. I thought ethics were not quite so elusive. Is there something about the Internet that means "lying" isn't "lying" any more? Does just using pseudonyms evacuate all responsibility for truth telling? (I know the answer and it's a bummer. If I weren't typing away on VESMB under my anony-handle at this moment, I'd say the Interwebs is dangerous territory...)

He did respond by email saying something like, "Other companies do this unethical thing so who cares."

What galls me MOST is that he bills himself (and presses everyone to polish this notion of him to customers) as having Unusual Transparency and Very Special Integrity. Mask is crumbling, because he's scared. But he's manipulated and coaxed me to polish his image for years now. This is one step too far, for me.

I was honestly shocked that he made that demand at a whole-staff meeting. Just ONE disgruntled employee could do such damage. We've actually already been threatened by a competitor for disingenous or misleading claims (much as I've tried to contain them)...and imo, he's being reckless and potentially making us MORE vulnerable.

What shocks me is that I'm the lone voice about this.

Ick. But I'm not vibrating with fear...just tense.

Hops

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Then - you've done what is within your control, your role and your responsibility Hops. I agree with your strategy of silence, except for direct communication. No need to defend your viewpoint; it is what it is and you've already expressed that (I'm sure) very well and others are allowed to disagree. But don't just sit there shutting down in the meeting - this is a great chance to actively observe yourself in a tough situation as well as the others.

Beware of accusations of "ulterior motives" on your part... these kinds of projections will come from some of the most insecure and greedy around you. Those need to be addressed directly, swiftly and immediately so people don't whisper and embroider. Some people don't understand any motive that isn't all about personal gain; they don't get the concept of the "common good" nor that some people are really truly motivated to help promote and protect that.

Don't know about you... but I would count a meeting like this a success if I leave it with my dignity and self-respect intact. And a sense of humor added, is even more of a success! Yes, there's tension, anxiety, what-ifs, fear and a bunch of old-patterns hovering around you like a cloud... if there weren't, I'd wonder when your lobotomy happened -- it's human to feel all these things, but they don't have to get in the way or take control of Hops herSelf.

Good luck Hops! I'm going out to do battle with sun, heat and humidity today... and would gladly trade you places if the meeting is in cool air-conditioned space.

[Guest]

Some people don't understand any motive that isn't all about personal gain; they don't get the concept of the "common good"

HEAR HEAR.

And many so-called professionals operate on the basis of appealing to clients' greed/fear. (Just my latest sickening experiences.)

Good luck Hops. Keep the facts in your mind; acting as if you are the facts can help me...

[Hopalong]

Meeting was sickening, but my "good colleague" did step up.

Nboss presented himself as a victim:
Why wouldn't employees want to "help the company"?

Introduced subtle threat: Those who don't "want to help" are just
assuming everything will always be the same.

Did acknowledge he is motivated by fear. (He's in a lot of battles on
multiple fronts, most of which he brought on himself, some of which
are just new competition...)

His princeling, the young manager who always wanted to destroy me,
echoed Nboss' desires 100%. Not surprising. And managed to introduce
irrelevant objections to something else I'd presented. Likewise victimhood.

I know the subtext and perhaps there'll be payback down the line.
But in the meantime, I'm okay with having resisted.

Reminder to continue to not be asleep here, or assume I'm safe.

Isn't that what N's always want? For nobody to feel safe?

arrgh and ughh.

But for now, drama over. I do not want to become obsessed.

Yuck.
Hops

[BonesMS]

(((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))))))))))

[teartracks]

Dear Hops,

Let's hope that your email becomes a speed bump in your boss's conscience and awakens what now sleeps peacefully deep inside him - a sense of what is right.

tt

[mudpuppy]

I think you should take it to some outside agency.

mud

[debkor]

Hops,

You did good!!! 

You did good!!!

You did good!!!

Stay true to whom you are........Good, Honest, Dignified, Self Respecting

You did Damn Good!

Deb

[sKePTiKal]

Hops,

can you separate feeling safe and being safe? Can you list or rank how likely some of those anticipated retributions are? This helps me refocus myself and deal with things one at a time. There is a difference between feeling and being - and who is in control of each, too.

That said, I'm not dismissing the real dangers of at least, retribution, in this situation. I've been there too. I'm just suggesting that sometimes the "worst that can happen" isn't nearly as bad as I feared... or had hidden, unexpected benefits and opportunities that I couldn't see while I was so busy trying to circle the wagons and defend myself; protect myself.

It really, really helps me to know that I can "feel" safe - no matter what actually happens. However, I don't always remember that! 

[Hopalong]

thanks, Mud...I would happily do that. If it could hold up...
But in the interim, a good piece of reporting appeared that has neutralized his demand for now.

(And when objections were raised, he covered his rear a bit, at least in front of the whole staff.
Behind closed doors--yesterday--he said, "My opinion is if employees have an issue because of ethics, they should just get over it.")

If he doesn't renew or maintain the demand, it may go away.

I was disgusted and upset by the whole thing...but not surprised. For me, the N-ness and sexism and bullying and all the creepy things he's done, have always happened when we were alone. He's verrrrrrrrrrrrrrry slick at manipulating in groups, so it literally took me TWO YEARS to convince my one colleague that anything weird was going on. That helped.

But the bottom line is, once my house is sold and I'm settled, I need to renew my efforts to build some security that doesn't depend on Nboss. I'm lucky to be employed in this economy and can't afford to walk away....61 y/o, white hair....college town.

I literally can't take on a new battlefront right now, though. Too tired. Trying to keep health up, and I'm so weary that one more effort/conflict would be just too much.

Helped a lot to vent about it here, though. And now Nboss is away for a week. Bliss!

PR, thanks for pointing out the difference between being safe and feeling safe. Good reminder, and I'll take that to work with me this morning.

I think I'm actually safe, because I would not easily be replaced. Then again, he could allow his inner demons to tank the whole thing, dunno.

He promptly scheduled a "review my job description" kind of meeting with me...away from the office...so although he'll be charrrrrrrrrrrrrming, I know that's where the next discomfort wave will be. He'll dandle promotion in front of my face and then whisk it away.

Hops